WIKILEAKS EXPOSE

In Saudi Arabia, there was a very rich man who had lots of wives. The 10th one of these gave birth to a baby boy.

They named the wee lad Osama.

When he was little, he was a normal boy, interested in girls, cartoons, football.


But as he started growing up, he started obsessing about religion and philosophy. He gave up his studies and employed all his time in the study of Islamic philosophies. He soon became very attracted towards the thoroughly brainless and ultimately self-destructing idealism of Sayyid Qutb called Qutbism (a precusror of things to come one might say).


Having been thoroughly brainwashed, he decided on Jihad and went to the land of the Fucking Idiots - Pakistan.


It was while in Pakistan that he first started watching English football. And being a lover of guns and guerrillas, he decided to support Arsenal. Why you ask?

Well because he thought that Arsenal had guerrillas in its ranks. It was much later that he realised that there were no guerrillas, just 4 gorillas by the name of Adams, Keown, Dixon and Winterburn.


Osama never did anything by half. Having decided to support Arsenal, he decided to support them wholeheartedly. He started hating all Americans, Heretics, Jews and Tottenham fans. He kept on donating huge chunks of money for jihad and for Arsenal to build their new stadium/mausoleum.


But he lost it, he totally lost it at the beginning of the millennium when Arsenal won diddly squat for the 3rd year running despite having a team of Keown, Adams, Seaman, Viera, Bergkamp, Wiltord, Henry, Ljunberg, Pires and Ashley Cole. What broke the camel's back, so to speak, was Wenger's decision to shore up the team with such luminaries as Igor Stepanovs, Gilles Grimandi, Oleg Luzhni et all.....more or less at the same time that Chelsea bought Frank Lampard.


He became convinced that Arsene Wenger is a fucking idiot and that it was an American-Zionist conspiracy to convert his club to a laughing stock.


All the while shouting "Allahu Akbar" and "Death to America! Death to Israel!! Death to Tottenham!!!", he forced his followers to perpetrate attacks on Americans, Jews and Tottenham fans all over the world.


He survived the American invasion, the worldwide hunt, even Tottenham's ascension to the Champions League.

But rumours abound that he committed suicide the day he got news that Wenger had signed Silvestre to solve all of Arsenal's defensive problems.

Filmy Stuff of the Year

Its end of the year and every Tom, Dick and fucking idiot everywhere is going around making lists. Cheapo being one of those highly conscientious journalists and critics, he decided to make a list also. About movies no less. Well movies that he saw this years.

And well you will see lots of animation and action movies/thrillers. Cheapo did not watch a lot of artsy fartsy la-di-dah movies this year. Blame Uber for that. She has taken the fun out of making fun of the la-di-dahs.


So here goes.


Best Film - Kick Ass and Inception



Best Director - Christopher Nolan for Inception



Best Supporting Actor - Khalid Abdallah (Freddy) in Green Zone [I thought he was Arabic, turns out he was born and brought up in Glasgow...live and learn eh]

and

Zack Galifanikis in Due Date ( the lad's getting typecast but boy what a type)


Best Chemistry -

Jospeh Gordon Levitt and Tom Hardy in Inception


Best Dialogue Ever -

"How do you know my name?" - Donkey in Shrek


Best Villain -

Mark Strong (Robin Hood and Kick Ass)
Rumpelstiltskin (Shrek)
Mickey Rourke (Iron Man 2) 
Ralph Fiennes (Clash of the Titans and Potter)
Kitty Galore (Cats and Dogs)
Alfred Molina (The Sorcerer's Apprentice)

Best Actress - Chloe Grace Moretz (Hit Girl) in Kick Ass




Best Actor - dammit can't think of any stand out performances so have to go with Leo


 
Best FX - Inception


Lamest Fx - Medusa and Kracken in Clash of the Titans

lamer than Arsene Wenger's excuses; never thought that would be possible but live and learn eh


Best Cinematography - Shutter Island



with a completely predictable story-line, cinematography is the best USP for the film



Best Kiddy Film - The Sorcerer's Apprentice

geeky kid - check

Nicolas Cage - check

Alfred Molina - check

good story - check

lots of magic - check

Monica Belluci (for the fathers, elder brothers etc of kids) - check


Best non-Sci Fi Thriller - Green Zone


Best Comedy - Due Date

Utterly brainless, utterly funny


Best Action - The A Team

Plane blows off another plane; tank with parachute drops from blown-off plane; blows off 1st plane; then flies through air using missiles


Best Animation Films

Despicable Me

Shrek Forever After

How to Train your Dragon

Toy Story 3


Lamest Ending - Prince of Persia

pissed me off the most; great beginning and they couldn't think of anything else


Best Ending - Green Zone

a. after a frantic and awesome chase, Freddi comes out of nowhere and shoots the General and delivers the line "It is not for you to decide what happens here"

b. the mail that Miller sends cc to the media of the world



Surprisingly Good - Percy Jackson

changed a lot from the book but was quite pleasant and enjoyable in the end



Surprisingly Bad - Robin Hood


prime contender for worst movie of the year; awesome cast, good director; cracking background materials to work with and they came up with this???? what a waste




Predictions for 2011


Best Film - POTC on Stranger Tides


Best Actor - see above

Sexiest pirate ever in human history - Penelope Cruz


Best Animated Film - Kaboom of Doom


Highest Grosser - Potter 8 (easiest prediction in human history)

Evolution of the Wellbeloved

Creationist Version (as written in the Book of Clackalackadackdack)


On day 1, that highly Confused Fella, who can't decide whether he is the father or the son or whether he is a fucking ghost decided, having been bored silly, decided to create light and ergo days and nights etc etc.

Then he started thinking what to do with all that. Being a bit of a lazy bum, on the 2nd day, he only created skies.

On the 3rd day, havin been scolded by his wife Mrs Fella for being lazy, he created oceans and earth and plants et all.

On the 4th day, he created the sun, the moon, the stars etc.

On the 5th and 6th days, he started creating all manners of creatures, those who could fly, those who could swim, those who had bollocks and even a creature who couldn't do anything and had no bollocks - this last entity he named Wellbeloved.

On the 7th day, he created football. he created 3 teams. One represented Goodness - it was named Chelsea. One represented Evil - it was named Mancheste fucking United. The 3rd team represented children and the need for the children to be regularly spanked by the bigger boys. This team he called Arsenal.


But this post ain't about football - it's about the Wellbeloveds.


By the end of the 6th day, Adam and Eve had already started fucking like there's no tomorrow......well to be fair to them, at that particular point of time, there was no tomorrow.


Anyway, the Wellbeloved peeped on the two doing their stuff - thereby becoming the first voyeur (a tradition which its descendants have been carrying on; only the other day, the current Wellbeloved contracted poison ivy on his penis after wanking while peeping into a boys' kindergarten class) and became sad.


He petitioned the Confused Fella. He claimed that he is lonely and he needs to have sex.


The Confused Fella pointed out that Wellbeloved has no bollocks. Wellbeloved countered by saying "But you are the Mighty Confused, I don't want bollcoks, I just want to ensure the continuance of my species."

The Confused One started thinking. He kept on thinking and thinking and thinking and finally came up with a solution...


He told Wellbeloved. "Thou shalt never have bollocks of any kind, thou and thy descendants shalt be despised and made fun of for all eternity. But since thee wanteth new generations, I will ensure that in every generation there will be born amongst mankind some Fucking Idiots who will become insanely fond of the Wellbeloveds. Thee and thy descendants will have sex with these fucking idiots. And though thee and thy descendants will never have bollocks, by a feat of Confused Miracle, the fruit of the union will result in progenies. These creatures will be Half-Man and Half-Beloved and ergo shall be called Manbeloveds."


The Confused Fella being mightily confused never thought about the consequences of his proclamations. True the Wellbeloveds got their fucking idiots and multiplied but they also remained forever Manbeloveds or in other words gay.


The current Wellbeloved, a very religious and traditional entity, follows the Confused Fella literally. Ergo, not only is he gay, but following the confusion in his god, he does not know whether to love the father or the son and have ended up with incestuous sexual feelings towards all male babies.

The Things Cheapo has to Do

Everyone knows that Cheapo is a helpful guy (whenever he can be arsed enough to get out of bed that is). But recently his habit of helping the populace has reached epic, not to mention embarrassing proportions.


You see, Cheapo's friend The Wellbeloved Family Doormat Awfully Wee Crybaby had been suffering from mental as well as physical constipation for a long time.


Symptoms - "Wellbeloved is my god; I belong to Wellbeloved; His crap is my essence; His pee is my nectar; His fart my perfume; All hail Wellbeloved etc etc" and acute stomach pain.


Ergo hospital ahoy.


And following the laws of the excellent Mr. Murphy, the hospital just had to be miles (kilometres for the up-to-date readership) from both Cheapo's home and office.


And of course following the laws of that fella Sod, the hospital authorities had to christen her Mrs. Crybaby.....thereby confusing the hell out of a hospital full of doctors, nurses, cleaning stuff etc regarding just who the hell Cheapo is -father? brother? grandfather? benevolent uncle? sugar daddy? etc etc (because Crybaby looks like she is 14, while conservative estimates suggest that Cheapo looks at least early 40s)


And then there were tests.....the lucky so and so got to ride wheelchairs and stretchers et all while Cheapo was stuck with and had to trudge along with what seemed like about half a dozen different pieces of luggage....why women carry so much stuff is one of those mysteries that will probably never be solved.


Anyway the tests confirmed what Cheapo suspected all along - that Crybaby is a fucking idiot and that she was suffering appendicitis (despite Uber's protestations and convictions to the contrary).


Well, she got a room - with a tv with no sports channels and a fan which kept going away from Cheapo's couch. And she got her operation. And she is fine now.


So far so good yeah?


Anyway as she was in hospital, she had to have a companion right? Shifts were made, lots were drawn and Cheapo got the morning slot 6Am-12Pm (Cheapo had to go to work after that every day - the less said about that the better).


What does it mean?


It means that Cheapo had to wake up at 4.30 Am everyday and walk for miles (or kms if ye prefer) to get autos.


[In fact Cheapo walked more in the last 3 or 4 days than he had done in the whole of last year.]


And of course it rained.


Uber having scared the bejeejus off the security guards, at least there weren't any access problems. Rumours also abound that due to the fear of Uber, at certain points of time there were as many as 4 or 5 people in Crybaby's room, while all other rooms had only 2 - 1 patient, 1 attendant.


Anyway, to come to the worst part.


The day of discharge arrived.


Crybaby started crying that she doesn't have a thing to wear and thus devised a plan of action so inexplicable and ill-conceived, it would have made Captain Scott's polar expeditions a byword for proper planning and efficiency.


Cheapo being a calm, cool, collected, intelligent and generous clackalackadackdack devised an alternative plan whereby he went out to buy her a skirt.


So he went out. He saw a shop. He approached the shop (all on foot btw). He saw saleslady. He asked saleslady if skirts are available.



Upon which he got a look of utter contempt and disgust and loathing and shock and horror and repugnance and pique and outrage and....well in short...the sort of look that our resident gay pedophile Wellbeloved deserves and gets from the parents and guardians of babies and toddlers and all other right thinking decent human beings.



First Uber's claims that Cheapo is as useless as Ayushman of the Bossturds.

Then Uber's threats of GBH for cracking innocent jokes.

Now, a look reserved for gay pedophiles.




There is no justice in the world. And there certainly is no advantage in being a generally decent, honest, hard-working individual.

Despicable, Disgusting and Disgraceful

Everyone who knows me knows that I am a reasonable individual. And that I am a peaceful person.

However there are some entities that make me homicidal. Since I love sports so much, I thought I would share with you the sporting entities who I despise or/and would like to thwack.

1. Gary Neville
2. Sore / bad losers / Wenger and his fans (the same group basically, the Wenger fans have taken sore loser-ship to an art form.....not Arsenal fans though, I like the club, I like their fans...its only people like Wenger and people who think Wenger > Arsenal that infuriates me)
3. Gary Neville
4. Manchester fucking United ( I respect them but hate them)
5. Mohd Azharuddin for being a traitor to the country..(and I have also lost all respect for the Congress party for giving him a ticket)
6. Gary Neville
7. Indian Olympic Committee and its officials (for being fucking corrupt and useless)
8. Indian politicians massacring our sports
9. Whoever wherever however is responsible for the state of Indian hockey today
10. Gary Neville
11. Barcelona (2008 - )...for being arrogant sods
    
12. Tom Herring Obrebro
    
13. Christiano Ronaldo (on the field)
14. Gary Neville
15. Australian Cricket team (barring Gilchrist)...for being arrogant sods
16. Roger Federer ...for being another sore loser plus for believing he is the greatest...you are not the best mate, not when you get regularly spanked by a certain Spanish fella
17. East Bengal Football Club...I know they are a necessary evil but still
18. Gary Neville
19. Neville Neville for spawning Gary
20. Grandpa Neville for spawning Neville Neville ad infinitum
21. Sania Mirza for pissing away her talent
22. Steve mfucking Bucknor
23. Steven Gerrard fans who voted him as one of the all time great midfielders...bunch of fucking idiots....even Liverpool fans have voted King Kenny as their all time greatest player and Kenny was not even amongst the candidates for the all time greats poll
24. Uli Hoeness for sticking with Van Buyten and Demichelis........you fucking idiot
    
25. Gary Neville
26. Andy Gray for never shutting up and spewing shite
27. American Football...frankly awful
28. Players who win and then thank god, yeah like god has nothing better to do
29. Gary Neville
30. Suresh Raina for not having a clue if a ball comes above his knees
31. The Pakistani cricketers of 80s and early 90s who kept on beating us over and over and over....
32. Chetan Sharma for that full toss
33. Venkatesh Prasad for thinking he can be a commentator
34. Those who employed Venkatesh Prasad thinking he can be a commentator
35. Gary Neville
36. Harsha Bhogle for being an insufferable know it all
37. Louis Felipe Scolari for fucking up my beloved team
38. Juventus
39. Gary Neville
40. Those who think that synchronised swimming and rhythmic floor gymnastics are sports.
41. The fact that you have to be silent during tennis, snooker etc....what d fuck mate, if the footballers and the boxers can keep their concentration amongst that noise (Arsa players excused, they play in a funeral home after all), so should everybody
42. Players who accept bribes.......unless you are piss poor, there are no excuses
43. Winston Bogarde
44. Gary Neville
45. Stephen Hunt
46. All the Jonny come lately Barca fans...suddenly the whole world is awash with them...and most of them wouldn't know a football if it came and struck them in the nose.....anyway 5 years down the line they will all be Real Madrid fans (because of.. you know... HIM)
47. Morten Gamst Pederson
48. Gary Neville
49. Watching chess
50. Gary Neville

What is Wellbeloved?

Well, rumours and speculations abound regarding the nature of our very own Wellbeloved. Critics and scholars (never the same group of individuals - true scholars don't criticise and critics are fucking idiots) have gone around scratching their hairs trying to unlock the enigma that is Wellbeloved.

Well after years of painstaking research, our intrepid journalist extraordinaire Fat Uncle Cheapo has finally come to a conclusion.


Here's the evidence.

Case 1 – Wellbeloved likes the Awfully Wee one to dress up like a young boy.

Case 2 -Wellbeloved has a roommate who is terrified of switching off the lights. Also, the lad is so scared whenever Wellbeloved is around that he runs away from home.

Case 3 - Wellbeloved is unaccountably fond of tripods.

Case 4 - Wellbeloved is a staunch supporter and fan of the Great Pedophile - Arse n Wanker.

Case 5 - Wellbeloved is just not the same after his true great love the Octogenarian Playboy aka Walking Toothpaste Advert left town. 

Case 6 (Video Evidence) - Our correspondent manged to get a copy of that underground gay porno cult sensation - Hump a Dick aka Menage a Tripod. Getting it wasn't easy. Cheapo only got it after he went and threatened the produced and director Sir Paunchsalot that Cheapo would reveal to the whole world that all of Paunchsalot's supposed original jokes are in fact taken from the internet. 

The video turned out to be one of those 4D live action/animation hybrids. It starred the famous gay porn star Big Dick Lover (who goes by the nom de plume of Gayboy Cherian - allegedly to escape his legions of hermaphrodite fans), two animated characters - a giant whale called Moby Dick and a giant camel called Moby Hump and Wellbeloved.

There was no plot or storyline. The action took place on a beach and it involved Wellbeloved getting triple bummed by the camel, the whale and Big Dick Lover with a tripod. 

Case 7 - Wellbeloved's incredible ability to get injured doing anything and everything. The lad once got injured playing chess.

Case 8 - When he heard of Cheapo's investigation, Wellbeloved mysteriously disappeared from Hyderabad.

So based on all these evidences, the only hypothesis nay theory that can be formed is that 

Wellbeloved is an arthritic gay pedophile. 

Naturally, Cheapo could not ask Wellbeloved directly. So he asked Wellbeloved's Beloved Awfully Wee Anoian Crybaby Tippy Tapper.

She claimed that:

a: He is not

b: Flappy is the best goalkeeper that has ever been, that there is and that there ever will be

c: Its all a conspiracy perpetrated by the CIA, Al Qaeeda, The Uranians and the Freemasons.

The War to End all Wars

We have had WW1, WW2 etc.


Lots of people have speculated about when the next great war will come and who will be the protagonists.


Different theories have been bandied about - the names of the Yankees, the Limeys/Poms, the Towelheads, the Krauts/Huns, the Yids, the Chinks or Gooks, the Pakis, the Ivans


But a truly epic battle needs epic combatants.


And thus we will have the War to End all Wars


The combatants - The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys and the Bongs


Yes those two groups of legendary fighters would be able to have the most memorable fight the world has ever seen.


After a flurry of messages, it was decided that the battle will take place in neutral territory. USAUSAUSA suggested Iraq since, as they put it, nothing else can further screw up that place than what they have done already.

So the plains of Babylon, which have seen such famous warlords and conquerers as Darius and Alexander, Hammurabi and Nebuchadnezzar, Saddam and George W Bush, would once again ring with the battle cries of bloodthirsty soldiers..........


........well cries of Mon Dieu, Merde, Dur Baal and Jah Sala to be more precise.


Anyway the Americans apparently suggested the site to apparently entertain the their troops.

So after lots of speeches and letters and theorising and philosophising , the day came nearer and the 2 armies started towards the destination.

The French army had 10000 soldiers. Accompanying them were 5000 cooks, 10000 butlers and valets, 5000 tailors and hat-makers, 10000 wives and 20000 mistresses.

The Bong army had 10000 soldiers. They were accompanied by their wives and mothers.


So forward and onward they marched (only interrupted when the women wanted to go shopping and when different groups went on strike) and after a few months, they reached the appointed place.


The day came. The two armies stood facing each other, both clad in their finest.

The generals of the 2 army came to the centre and.............................


started making speeches.



In the meantime, 1 Iraqi shepherd climbed up a hillock to see what the hell is going on.

Soon soldiers from the 2 army noticed the boy.


Consternation broke out.


There were widespread shouts of - "Nous sommes ainsi effrayé nous pooped juste dans notre pantalon", "nous sommes condamnés", "avoir la pitié", "bachao", "baba re gelum" "o mago".

The Bongs started running away. Seeing that, the French immediately threw down their weapons and put their arms above their heads.


And thus happened the war to end all wars.

War of the Worlds

Imagine a scenario.


Earth is under attack.

By those fecking Martians (who else).

And all the great minds (and George W Bush) meet and decide that instead of all out war, there will be a footy match between a select bunch of earthlings and a bunch of Martians. Whoever wins gets to rule the other planet.


And bear in mind that because of advanced technology, even fictional characters and dead people are able to come alive to defend their planet.


After much deliberations, numerous shortlists etc etc, they finally managed to select the following

Defenders

Obelix (CB) - (the "big" man...get past him, go on, try)


Wolverine (CB) (the man can't be beaten...simples)

Bugs Bunny (Left Back) (has loads of experience in fighting and defeating Martians)

Albus Dumbledore (Right Back) (knows all the defensive spells you can think of)


Midfielders

Hercules (DM) - (a perfect sweeper of loose balls, has loads of experience in sweeping)


Rob Anybody (RM) - (will be of great use as a winger, esp as he can pass the martian fullbacks without detection and steal into their penalty box)


Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson (CM) - (well someone has to rally the players and inspire them)


El Diego (LM) - a team of myths and legends surely needs a God?

Strikers

Genghiz Khan

Alexander 


That left the position of goalkeeper. 

And let me tell you, there was lots and lots of controversies.

Everyone wanted someone who cannot be passed. So all the great keepers like Yashin, Banks, Dasayev, Kahn, Buffon, Maier, Casillas etc were all considered and rejected.

And then, the Arsa fans popped up and demanded that a world team needs a world class keeper and ergo should take the man, the myth, the legend, the icon - Flappy.




After the resultant hilarity and derisory laughter died down and the Great Pedophile and his legion of fans rode off in their moral donkeys, the rest of the world finally managed to decide on

King Kong



So what about the managerial positions?

It has to be HIM as the manager.

And to help HIM, the world decided that

Sherlock Holmes would be perfect as someone needs to analyse the movement of the players and find clues amongst the Martian bench to figure out their plans.



Let the games begin.

Players I have been Privledged to Watch

Yeah, sometimes I get these urges. So here goes.

These are some of the best players I have seen. I haven't been biased. these are the players who have sketched their names on my mind by their performances.

And yes they are all from the last 2 decades.

Buffon

Cafu, Cannavaro, Carvalho, Ashley Cole

Makelele, Lothar Matthews

Messi, Zidane, Ronaldinho

Ronaldo


or

Kahn

Lahm, Desailly, Nesta, Roberto Carlos

Essien, Xavi

CRon, Iniesta, Robben

Drogba


or

Casillas

Thuram, Walter Samuel, Stam, Lizarazu

Van Bommel, Pirlo

Nedved, Pires

Bergkamp, Henry


and one for the future- say in 10 15 years, this lot will be greats

Joe Hart, Manuel Neier, Maicon, Pique, Fucking Biscuits, Mikel, Wilshere, McEachran, Nemanja Matic, Schweinsteiger, Ozil, Di Maria, Canales, Marco Marin, Thomas Muller, Pato, Di Maria, Khedira, Tony Kroos


managers??

Ottmar Hitzfield, HIM, Guus Hiddink, Jogi Low

We have come a long way Baby

Yes we have...a loong aloong way

Take the English language as an example


Consider this medieval news paper report headline

William Hung Drawn and Quartered


Now consider this contemporary newspaper headline

William Hung Drawn and Quartered


They look the same don't they? But the meaning is as different as different can be


The medieval one refers to William Wallace being killed by being hung, drawn and quartered. His body parts were sent to different parts of the kingdom to act as a deterrent.


The recent one refers to some bloke called William Hung who wins a lottery and gets a house


And fo some reason, I am hankering for the good ole days

The Last King of Bongland

Well all of ye who have clackalackadackdacked the last post, now know of the awesome record of the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys when it comes to doing anythin resembling a fight.


But for some reason, they regularly enter into arguements and then challenge people (only to get spanked) and then they surrender.


But they are not at the top of the food chain though.


There is another group of individuals who have established themselves as the numero uno of...well everything....they suffer from unsurpassable amounts of superiority complex and.....well have reached the zenith and pinnacle of self delusion.


They have also reached the zenith of martial loserliness.


They have lost em all (as a group/race...defo not individually...the motherland got independence due to the bravery and sacrifice of quite a lot of the individuals)


And their last Hindu king (historically inaccurate, Raja Ganesh was the last but by all accounts he was quite a good fighter, so can't be considered for this blog) had led from the front and had trailblazed his way to immotality.


You see the fella's name was Laxman Sen. He epitomised awesomeness. In fact awesome was his middle name.

Why you ask?


Well, he got news of an invasion by the Mulims (Bakhtiar Khilji) and he abandoned his capital city and ran away.  As it transpires he ran away from 20 men on horseback who had just come to check things out.


Yes people, this blog is about those half men half amazings, those mythical legendary warriors - the Bongs.


Barring Shashanka (of Gaud) and Raja Ganesh not a single one of them have ever won a war.


But what about the Muslim rulers ye ask? Weren't they Bongs as well ye ask?


Yep those who were born in the region definitely can be considered Bongs. So lets have a look.


The conqueres are automatically and naturally disqualified.


Their descendants (if born/broght up in the region) can be considered.


Khilji Dynasty

Bakhtiar Khilji started it after Laxman Sen ran away

His descendants Muhammad Shiran Khilji and Husamuddin Iwaj Khilji were both spanked by Delhi and Ali Mardan Khilji was assasinated by his own people.


Mameluk Dynasty

All Turkish, none born i nthe region....but still all either assasinated ordefeated by Delhiwalas.


Mahmud Shahi Dynasty

All Iranians.....last one defeated by Tughluq's general


Illyas Shahi Dynasty

Shamsuddin Ilyas Shah was probably born in the region and by all acounts quite a good soldier so - Exception proves the Rule

His descendants however included

Sikander Shah, whose most notable achievement was begetting 17 children from his 1st wife and 1 from his 2nd...the last one promptly defeated him

Shihab-ud-Din Bayazid Shah, who once sent a giraffe to China

yes, I know


Habshi Dynasty

Abyssianian....don't ask me just what exactly that lot was doing in Bongland


Hussian Shahi Dynasty

Founder Arab

Descendants lost to the Ahoms of Assam....yes we lost to that lot also...sigh


Sur and Shahi Dynasties

Apart from gettong occassionaly spanked by the Delhiwalas, they spent their days wanking


Then we had the governors/ vassals etc of the Mughals

Then Murshi Quli Khan - non Bong

The next 3 born in the Deccan or Orissa

And then there was Siraj ud Dullah - born and brought up in Bongland


So naturally the 1st Indian ruler to be routed and killed by the East India Company



So as you can see, the Bongs have no equal (except possibly the Austrians) when it comes to being unmitigated disasters when on the battlefield.


However, we have more than made up for being livinglegends on the battlefield by being seven shades of awesome in creating/producing

the hottest women
the most brilliant novels, stories, poems, songs, dramas and films
the weirdest paintings
a long and endless stream of good to great footballers
a long and endless stream of critics and know-it-alls



and most importantly - the most delicious food on this planet



So ye lot can have yer battles, we have our food.


p.s Its such a shame that we also have the comrades, but hey no one's perfect.

p.p.s We also have/are the laziest bunch of creatures this planet has ever seen (and this is a planet which has seen tortoises, facebook addicts and Jimbo)

Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys

Talking of Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys, they are the only 1 group of individuals in the whole world who have never won a war. Of course they have won a few battles here and there nut when it comes to losing, they have no equals.


It all started with Vercingetorix first declaring war on ole Julius, then quite delightfully mucking up his tactics and millitary strategies (becoming a jelly in Julius's doughnut shaped fortifications), then feeding his own soldiers to the metaphorical cannons and then....well...surrendering


He wasn't the last...oh no, not by a long way


Fast forward a few hundred years and we have the monkeys fighting the Lions


and what happens?


Yes that's right they lose and lose and lose (Crecy (1346) and Agincourt (1415) famous examples) and surrender and surrender and surrender

and when they finally get a commander (Joan of Arc) who can beat the bloody Englishmen, what do they do?

They burn her


Once again fast forward


We arrive at the 18th century


We see the monkeys fighting along with that other great martial powers Austria (who has never ever won a war) and Spain (the only war they ever won was the civil war...but they lost that as well) against those tiny insignificant warrior nations of Britain and Prussia.

Guess what happened....go on guess guess


Thats right


The real fun was about to start though


The 19th and 20th centuries were the zenith of the ancient and noble simian tradition of surrendering.


It started with Napolean getting an arse kicking of epic proportions in Egypt and the talantic by Nelson. He decided to evolve and fight on land. After being chased all around the continent by Arthur Wellesley...guess what Napolean did??

Yep

He was put in an island where he got bored after a few years. So what did he do. He walked into Paris and the whole nation surrendered to him. He then assembled a huge massive army and started marching to Belgium.

Upon reaching Belgium, more specifically a place called Waterloo, he decided to go back to Paris. Upon reaching Paris, he carried on the simian tradition and ..well....surrendered.


[Aside - the man was an eejit. Why you ask?

1. The British army employed riflemen - the Greenjackets. The rifle had a much bigger range as well as accuracy and was deaedly as a sniper weapon. So what did Napolean do? He said oo la la and stuck to muskets.

2. The British used the line formation while fighting. What it meant was at any point of time there were say a hundred men ready to fire. Boney on the other hand stuck to his columns - wha tthat meant was that at any point oftime only the front line could fire - so say 4 or 5.

What is amusing is that he stuck to the same strategy over and over and over and.....even though he kept on losing and losing and losing and...]


We proceed a few decaded...Napolean 3 is in the throne. Bismark of Prussia said "boo!".


Napolean 3 not only surrendered the army but also surrender Alsace, Lorainne, dignity etc etc.

Just to keep in practice, he surrendered a few years later to the Italians as well.


We all know what happened in WW1 and 2.


But hey surrendering to the Germans ain't that humiliating is it.



What is humiliating is surrendering to a bunch of peasants...as the monkeys did in 1954 in Vietnam.


From then on, the monkeys has kept a strict policy of surrendering whenever and wherever they got he chance.....(prime example French Football Team)


And one of France's most famous son is now upholding the traditions of  blindness and sheer imbecilic foolishness by....well....by completely destroying a certain football club and surrendering its dignity and history as well as any chance of ever actually winning anything towards his insatiable lust for young boys......hell Catholic priests are nothing in comparison to His Myopicness when it comes to lust for young boys - the younger the better.

{Hell Interpol even has a questionnaire for freshers in the force. One of the questions goes like this

Of the following, who is a pedophile?

A. Arsene Wenger
B. Arsene Wenger
C. Arsene Wenger
D. All of the Above}

And before we forget about the French army, here's what they have been upto

http://www.hiiraan.com/news2/2010/mar/french_destroyer_surrenders_to_somali_pirates.aspx

http://www.thenoseonyourface.com/the-french/france-surrenders-as-pre-caution-after-swiss-troops-wander-into-liechtenstein/

World's Most Famous and Memorable Scotsmen

Yep this post is about those whiskey drinking, kilt wearing, bagpipe playing, golf inventing, haggis eating, claymore weaving bunch of nutters.


The world is fascinated by the Scots (they get progressively more fascinating after the world has had a few pegs of Scotch).


And so, after lots of research (abt 10 mins of Wiki), Cheapo decided to make a list of the most famous Scotsmen


10. James Watts - developed the steam engine...thereby starting a chain of events which has resulted in the depletion of the ozone layer and which has ensured that Paris Hilton will be caught in every country i nthe world with cocaine in her purse


9. David Hume - dabbled in philosophy and stuff...apparently said "Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions".......possibly a wanker


8. Adam Smith - economics, money.. wuhooo


7. Sir Alexander Graham Bell - the dude invented the telephone without which our modern generation muppets would have been destitutes


6. Sir Alexander Fleming - penicillin.....without which women's headaches would hav been uncurable and men would have had to commit suicide


5. Sir Alex Ferguson - the sun shines out of the Glasgow Beetroot's purple tonker...definitely a wanker.....also allegations abound that he was anally bummed by Satan himself and their bastard lovechild is Gary fucking Neville (forever changing the meaning of the words Holy Crap)


4. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - elementary my dear clackalackadackdacks


3. Sir William Wallace (made famous by Mel Gibson)- from all historical accounts a loser and a bit of a wanker...tell that to a Scotsman and if you can live after 5 minutes, go buy a lottery ticket...u will be a billionaire
.

2. Sir Sean Connery - well you know, no explanations necessary


1. Dr. William MacDougal - the most famous Scotsman in history....the most recognizable Scotsman in history (according to Times)....and the man who coined the phrase "Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys"

what? u didn't get it? shame on ye!!!!


what image comes to mind when u think of an angry Scotsman?


that's right


the man who said “Brothers and sisters are natural-born enemies, like Englishmen and Scots! And Welshmen and Scots! And Japanese and Scots! And Scots and other Scots! Lousy Scots! They ruin Scotland.”

Its Willie the Groundsman from Simpsons


http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/scotland/article581035.ece


other notable Scotsmen include

Andrew Carnegie (1835–1919), steel magnate, major philanthropist

Barrie - Sir J M (1860-1937) - Author of "Peter Pan" and "The Admirable Crichton".

Burns - Robert (1759-1796) - Scotland's most celebrated poet.

Carlyle - Thomas (1795-1881) - An influential philosopher and historian of the Victorian age.

McAdam - John Loudon (1756-1836) - Improved a tar-based road surface which became known as "tarmac".


Macbeth - King (1005- 1057) - Shakespeare based his tragedy on selected facts about this Scottish king.

MacGregor - Rob Roy (1671-1734) - The larger than life Highland Rogue.


Macintosh - Charles (1766-1843) - His invention of waterproof clothing added his name to the English dictionary.

Maclean - Alistair (1922-1987) - Author of books such as "HMS Ulysses" and "The Guns of Navaronne".
 
Scott - Sir Walter (1771-1832) - Author of novels such as "Ivanhoe" who also "invented" modern tartans.
 
Smollet - Tobias George (1721- 1771) - Regarded as a founder of the modern novel.
 
Stevenson - Robert Louis (1850-1894) - Author of such classics as "Treasure Island" and "Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde".
 
James Young Simpson (1811–1870), introduced chloroform into surgery
 
Kenny Dalglish (born 1951), retired footballer and manager of Liverpool F.C.
 
etc etc etc

Victim

Well, thats it....after hundreds of years and well millions of muppet hours, the verdict is out..........and nobody is happy.


Well, except Cheapo, who got a half day cause of it.


There is peace all around, despite the total efforts of the nihilists - the Indian press and Ayushman of the Bossturds, who is a fucking idiot and a stupid cunt.


Some people are happy, some are sad while some others are completely indifferent.


No one is hurt yet..........well no one except Baldrick.


Yep, ladies, gentlemen, hermaphrodites and clackalackadackdacks, Baldrick became the 1st victim of the Ayodha verdict.


How yo ask?


Well his pants fell off.


Yes people, he had to travel the length and breadth of Hyderabad all muy naked.


Sources claim that all the other multiple wheelers and clackalackadackdacks laughed at him and made fun of him.


He is mortified.

Episode 2 - Vlad the Impaler/Dracula vs Wolverine

Weapons

Vlad the Impaler/Dracula - 5 thousand soldiers, bows, arrows, spears, swords, shields, spikes, maces, axes, horses


Wolverine - Enhanced ability to smell, reflexes, Adamantium bones, clackalackadackdack


Secret

Vlad the Impaler/Dracula - Can change into a giant bat and fly

Wolverine - Can heal himself from any wound


Location

A valley in Transylvania, a small village


Battle

One day, a stranger wrapped in a cloak knocks the door of the inn. The innkeeper allowed him to come inside and gets him a drink. He asks for a room and goes inside.


One of the regulars of the inn leaves and gets up on his horse and rides away.


He rides for hours and comes to the fortress of Dracula. He passes the message to the guards about a stranger who has arrived. Dracula gets the message. He suspects that the stranger is a spy of Mehemet II. He decides to capture the spy and question him personally.


He immediately sends a dozen soldiers.


He waits but the soldiers do not come back.


He then sends 50 soldiers. They also do not come back.


He gathers an army of 50 archers, 50 men at arms, 50 horsemen and 300 infantry and proceedes.


Upon reaching the inn, he gets the news that the stranger has left a day ago after fighting and killing a dozen soldiers.

The villagers tell him that the stranger was last seen headed east.


Dracula becomes incredulous that only 1 man killed all his soldiers. he refuses to believe it. His scouts come back saying that they have found the remains of the 50 soldiers.


He gets enraged. He orders his army to stay behind.


When night falls, he changes into the giant bat and flies away towards east.


After about an hour of flying, he spies a small campsite.


He descends and observes a sleeping man. Upon further observation, he becomes convinced that this is the stranger/spy.


He swoops down on the sleepinf man. Just when he was aout to put his talons in the man, the man suddenly jumps up and goes int oan attacking posture saying "Who the hell are you Bub?"


Dracula replies "I am Vladislav Dracula and these are my lands. You have killed my soldiers. Now prepare to die."

Wolverine says: "I have no grief with you Bub. Walk away and live to fight another day."


Dracula attacks. Wolverine slides out his adamantium claws.


The battle rages on.


Wolverine, having no idea that he is fighting a vampire keeps punching, kicking, slamming and clawing but to no avail. Dracula just keeps coming back.


Dracula realises that he needs to go back to bat shapeto defeat Wolverine.


He changes back int oa giant bat and surprises the hell out of Wolverine.


Taking advantage of that, Dracula lunges, beats him unconscious. He then plants a spear on the ground, lifts up Wolverine and impales him on it.


Wolverine slumps.


Dracula lets oput a mighty roar and then changes back into a human shape and walks over to check Wolverine's belongings.


He hears "I am not done with you Bub"


He turns around in surprise and Wolverine jumps straight at him with claws out.


He strikes Dracula in a flying tackle and his middle finger enters Dracula's chest and pierces his heart.


Incredulous, Dracula splutters out: "How!"


Wolverine answers: "I'm the best there is at what I do, but what I do best isn't very nice"


Dracula crumples to dust.


Wolverine looks at the dust and says "You should dust your place more Bub".


Then he lights a cigar and walks away.

Episode 1

Navy Seals vs Lord Rama's Monkey Army


Special Weapons

Lord Rama's Monkey Army are equipped with.....apart from the normal bows, arrows, spears, maces and axes....... Pushpak Chariot (air support), Vishalyakarani Sanjivani (miracurall/elixir of life) Agastya Ashtra, Naga Paanam (chemical weapons), Paasa Paanam (stun grenades), Varsana (divides into many arrows - canister used in cannons), Agneyastra (flame thrower), Gandharvastra (spreads confusion and panic - smokebomb), Brahmastra (nuclear missile)

and the ultimate greatest WMD the world has ever seen

Hanuman


The Navy Seals are equipped with M79 Grenade Launchers, Mark 3 Knives, High Standard HDM handguns, MK 1 Underwater Defence guns, Ruger MK II, M4 CQB-R and CAR 15 range of assualt rifles and sub-machine guns.....along with meds, sat-navs, sunglasses and all other modern day paraphernalia.


Setting

A Navy Seal fortress at the shore of an ocean.................

Its a shored up natural fortress. Traingular in structure, it is built with the cliff in mind. In fact one whole side is the cliff face. The other 2 sides open to the sea. The fortress is built on an extremely steep slope of more than 70 degrees, making it almost impossible to climb or breach. Furthermore, there are 2 layers of concrete walls encompassing the fortress. A helipad inside ensures air support from half a dozen helicopters.
Satelite defences make any advances immediately identifiable and the forces within get ready within 5 minutes of the warning.  Also sat defenses mean any icoming missile is immediately blocked.
One path from the fortress leads to the coks where morethan a score of the latest US Navy commisioned motorboats are kept along with a small garrison.


Battle

Its 7 in the morning when satelite imagery first picks up some advancing beaps on the ocean. Further investigation shows something advancing.

The SEALS get ready. The motor boats are launched.


The monkeys are throwing humongous boulders in the ocean making a sort of bridge. The monkey army is advancing on this makeshift bridge.


The 2 forces collide.


The SEALS launch a few missiles etc and fire at the army and blow up a number of boulders killing quite a few monkeys. However, the monkeys throw massive boulders in return and mange to sink a couple of motorboats.


The Squadron Leader of the SEALS order his forces to retreat. They fall back and request for air assist.


The helicopters start.


They approach the army and start shooting killing hundreds of monekys. The stones of the monkeys don't even come near the helicopters.


Lord Rama sees the problem and boards the Pushpak Chariot.


Air battle commences.


In the meantime, the monkeys arrive at the shore and launch an attack on the fortress. being monkeys, they easily manage to climb the steep walls but meet a hail of bullets.


Hundreds of monekys fall.


Seeing the horrible casulaties, Sugrib comes and tries to reorder his battalons and Laxman himself and launches Paasa Paanams and Gandharvastras. In the ensuing panic among the SEALS, the monkeys retreat a bit and collect all their dead and injured.


The baboon Jambooban then gives each fallen monkey the elixir of life and they spring back to life.


But stalemate.


Laxman decides to launch Naga Paanams but they have no effect on the SEALS as they are wearing protective armours etc.


Meanwhile in the air battle, the Pushpak Chariot got in trouble due to getting attacked from all side. This forced Rama to use the Varsanas. A couple of the helicopters fall. The remaining retreat to above their fortress from which they continue a deadly fire on the monkey troops.


Rama has to get down because the chariot got damaged.


Rama launches the Brahmastra. But the satelite defences of the SEALS manage to stop them.


The monkey army can't find any way of breaching the fortress. They start to despair. Sensing victory, the SEALS up their ante and fire with more vim and vigour.


Seeing no other way, Rama approaches Hanuman and pleads with him to do something.


Hanuman asks all the monkeys to fall back.


He attacks the fortress alone.


All the SEALS concentrate their fire on Hanuman.


Hanuman gets pissed off and starts growing ...and growing...and growing.


He picks the helicopters from the air and throws them in the sea. He starts stamping on the fortress and soon breaks them down.


The SEALS surrender.


The air resonates with the shout - Jai Bajrangbali





Next Episode - Vlad the Impaler/Dracula vs Wolverine

Most Clackalackadackdack Piece of Thought EVERRRR aka The Magnum Dopus

Well all of ye who have been avid readers of the Meisterblog know that Fat Uncle Cheapo absolutely loves that History Channel show where they pit one group of legendary warriors against another.

For example, it had

Apache vs Gladiator
Viking vs Samurai
Spartan vs Ninja
Pirate vs Knight
Yakuza vs Mafia
Green Beret vs Spetsnaz
Shaolin Monk vs Māori Warrior
William Wallace vs ShakaZulu
IRA vs Taliban
SWAT vs. GSG 9
Attila the Hun vs. Alexander the Great
Jesse James vs. Al Capone
Aztec Jaguar vs. Zande Warrior
Nazi Waffen-SS vs. Viet Cong
Roman Centurion vs. Rajput Warrior
Somali Pirate vs. Medellín Cartel
Persian Immortal vs. Celt
KGB vs. CIA
Vlad the Impaler vs. Sun Tzu
Ming Warrior vs. Musketeer
Comanche vs. Mongol
Navy SEAL vs. Israeli Commando


This got Cheapo thinking. He decided that what the channel lacked was vision. What they should do is take the fiercest warriors of fiction as well and mix them up with the warriors of real life. Only then can you decide who is the deadliest warrior.
 
From the lot above, lets take the winners and judge where they can be included in the Cheapo version
 
Apache - nope, sorry mate, you lot got massacred by a bunch of cow farmers, so disqualified
Samurai - hmmm shortlisted
Spartan - the champions of the ancient world, defeated the Immortales, so hell yes
Pirate - Captain Jack Sparrow savvy?
Mafia - totally disqualified on virtue of being regularly put in jail
Spetznaz - in a word yes
Shaolin Monk - Bruce Lee is representing them wue meditating
IRA -  are out for losing to Harrison Ford
William Wallace - lost to Edward, so no
SWAT
Attila the Hun - hey the man defeated everything in his path and apparently would have defeated Alexander as well (note to Porus - elephants on a river bank - not a good idea ....just watch Lord of the Rings before u go to fight would u)
Jesse James - got assasinated, so out
Zande Warrior - lost to the Europeans so no
Nazi Waffen - lost to the Americans and the Comrades so out
Rajput Warrior - as much as it pains Cheapo, lost to the Mughals when fighting, got their daughters married to the Mughals when not fighting, so no
Immortals - lost to Leonida's Sparatans - out
Somali Pirate - r u kidding me?
Vlad the Impaler - well he was Dracula and he never gave up and defeated the Ottomans over and over again
CIA - can't defeat a bunch of shepherds, good for creating mess, definitely disqualified
Musketeer - medieval cheese eating surrender monkeys - so out
Comanache - lost to the cowboys, out
Navy Seal - in
 
 
So the winners are
 
Navy Seal
Vlad the Impaler/ Dracula
Shaolin Monk/Bruce Lee
Attila the Hun
Spetznaz
Samurai
Spartan
Pirate/Jack Sparrow
 
so that's the top 8 from real life
 
 
now we come to fiction
 
 
Naavi - defeated the Americans so - in
Aragon's Ghost Army - massacred Mordor's army plus the olyphants - in
Indomitable Gauls - by Toutatis they are in
The Governator - a highbreed of Terminator, Commando, Conan the Barbarian, Predator killer - in in in
Predators - killed the aliens so - in
Lord Rama's Monkey Army - defeated Lanka so - in
Wolverine - in
Moses carrying the Ark of Covenant (they are in the Bible, which is a book, ergo part of fiction) - defeated the Egyptians, defeated Jericho, Sodom and Gomorrah
 
 
now lets come to the draw, and bear in mind it can't be like humongous superiority for someone over the other so, keeping that in mind
 
 
what about
 
Navy Seal vs Lord Rama's Monkey Army

Vlad the Impaler/ Dracula vs Wolverine

Shaolin Monk/Bruce Lee vs Governator

Attila the Hun va Indomitable Gauls

Spetznaz vs Moses and the Ark

Samurai vs Predators

Spartan vs Naavi

Pirate/Jack Sparrow vs Aragon's Ghost Army

 
What drama!! What excitement!!! What clackalackadack!!!!
 
Who will win? Who will die?? Who are already dead and doesn't give a damn???
 
Who will become the ultimate fighter in real or reel life?????
 
And what strange twists, turns, surprises and clackalackadackdacks will the contestants have to face?????
 
 
 
Stay Tuned....the shit is about to hit the clackalackadack

Fashion

Well, as all of you who know/have met/have seen/thrown stones at Fat Uncle Cheapo know, he thinks that the whole fashion industry is a total waste of space and time.


And he got vindicated.


He recently downloaded a movie called Pret-a-Porter. Horrible movie for those of a sporting disposition. The la-di-das and the ooh-la-las might enjoy it though. Anyway he didnt see the entire movie, he got bored after only a few minutes and watched the rest using fast forward.


From what he could make out it seemed some fashion competion or something was going on and the last designer was he winner. What did she do? Well she got all the supermodels to walk the ramp naked.


Cheapo thinks its one of them allegoragori things.....you know clothes do not maketh a man, we are all beautiful, naked is natural etc etc.


Now Cheapo aint propagating nudism. According to the UN Resolution and the Geneva Convention Act, hecan't be naked in public. Its apparently an offense punishable by being

• hung
• drawn
• fractionised
• decimated
• burnt
• kebabed and
• made to listen to amateur poetry

So Cheapo started thinking about clothes and dresses and what he would wear and what he wouldn't.


And being a proletariat plus a memebrr of the Worlwide Brotherhood of the Ugly Fat Bald Midget Community, he decided to look worldwide.


(And of course disqualifying any kind of animal product)

Lets start with Asia


Japan - Kimono - yes to the cotton ones, no to the silk ones

Korea - Hanbok - no, too complicated (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanbok)

Mongolia - Deel - yes to the cotton ones, but only during winter....USP being specially made pockets for carrying vodka (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deel_(clothing))... plus anything Cheghiz wore is fine by the Cheapo

Malaysia, Indonesia, Maldives etc - Sarong - hell no

Bangladesh and Myanmar - Lungi - hell no

New Zealand and Pacific Islands - Maori flax skirts - yep, nae problemo

Hawai - Hawaaiwan shirts - of course

Pakistan - apparently irrespective of gender, all the buggers wear salwar kameez - no thanks

Bhutan - Gho - again, nae problemo http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gho



Lets go to South America


Venezuela - Licqui Licqui - Cheapo admits that he got really excited upon hearing the name but as it transpires, its just pants and shirt http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gho - so meh

Americas - any kind of American Indian costume - fine by me

Mexico - Sombrero and Mariachi suit - of course...Cheapo already has an Urban Sombrero

Chile - Huaso costume - sure

Peru - Chullo and Poncho / anything Incan - hell yes


If we consider Middle East and Africa

Alkhalla, Bedouin robes, grass skirts, multi coloured robes - all cool


now Europe


Germany, Austria etc - Tracht, Lederhosen http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracht http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lederhosen.. ooooooooo yesssssss


Czech and Slovakia - Kroje http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kroje - looks like there is a lot of red, so no


England - Morris Dancers' costume and Bowler hat - no way in hell for the former, hell yes for the latter
Croatia -


Chesse Eating Surrender Monkeys - Beret - yep


Balkans and Greece - Fustanella http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fustanella - looks cool, so yes


Netherlands - Clogs - why in hell would Cheapo wear wooden shoes????


Ancient Rome, Greece etc - toga, robes, skirts - yes yes yes


Poland, Belarus, Lithuania, Ukraine - Kontusz  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kontusz - Cheapo picturised himself in that ensemble, and liked it


Scotland - Kilt - do ye even have to ask


finally


McDonalds - hair made of mop, red nose and giant clown shoes - wanna wanna wanna wanna



and oh btw, Cheapo would rather get

hung

drawn
fractionised
decimated
burnt
kebabed and
listen to amateur poetry


than wear that disgusting, obscene, hazardous, morally reprehensible article of clothing which Indians have traditionally worn for hundreds of years and asa result of which they have had their arses kicked by all and sundry - The Dhoti

Freeeeeeeeeeeedommmmmmmmmmmmm........oh crap

Yep,

that's what Fat Uncle Cheapo shouted this morning when he almost almost almost got his freedom.


Let him explain.


Well, Cheapo has not been well for the last few days. So naturally his concentration levels have gone to hell and breakfast.


Which is a very bad or in his case a very good thing to happen.


Plus after yesterday's catastrophic cataclysmic affairs at office, he was exhausted.


So his timing has gone to hell.


He was coming to office. He was on Baldrick. There was a junction. There was a crossing to be undertaken. There was a bus. And there was a muppety bike reader from the oppsite direction.


Well you can imagine what happened.


Cheapo was stranded in the middle of the road with the bus bearing down on him.


He was happy and smiling and all enthusiastic about the impending crash and started shouting the aforementioned.


But just before salvation arrived, the bastard driver stomped on his break and the bus came to rest about 6 inches from Cheapo's bulk.


Ironic ain't it?


Cheapo can't catch a break in school, college, university, jobs, love life but when it comes to the one thing he wants more than anything else, he had to go and catch the damn break.

The Count and I

Be honest.


How many amongst you have ever slept with a count.


No not you, Sanchettti, you are disqualified on virtue of being semi-Italian.


So yes, the rest of you lot, have you?




Well I have.




And not just any count.




The hippest, coolest, smartest, most elegant, most debonair, the most handsome count that has ever lived.




Oh yes, that's right I have slept with the Count Brian Christopher Luigi di Jimborghini.




And they have been some of the best naps I have ever had in my life.


There's something calming, something soothing, something ethereal in sharing a bed with someone so goddamn lazy after all.



The only problems arise during the pre-sleep rituals which involve lots and lots of pushing, shoving, grunting and contortions.


After that, its pure bliss.

Minferno vol 1

So Meister was sitting (all alone as usual) and eating an ice cream, when all of a sudden everything went darker and colder and some wraith like creatures with huge fangs and claws called dementeds (under the employ of the Great Indian Chunkubaaz) attacked the Meister. Meister tried to fight but being fat, stupid and generally useless, he was helpless.




What happened next, completely bewildered the Meister. All of a sudden there was a rumble and out of the earth burst forth a ferocious and terrifying creature. It was huge. It had fangs more than a foot long. It had brown glossy shiny fur all over and huge claws on its legs.


It was none other than the Meister's dear old friend the Brown Bomber.




She barked and attacked and soon destroyed all the dementeds. Then she came back and hugged the Meister. She then started tugging the Meister towards the hole in the ground from where she had burst forth. having nothing better to do, he followed and so they went and entered the ground.




They came up to this gate where it was written -







Abandon all Carbs Ye who Enter






Meister realised that he was dead and entering hell. Well, having been in a private hell for the last 28 years he didnt care and so undaunted, he enetered. Of course Brown was with him and led him.



They came upon a map with a "Thou art Here Dumbass" sign.





Meister saw that the arrow pointed to a road which led to a big door. He went to the door and saw "Level 1" written there. So he pushed open the door and went in.




It was a place of suffering. There were a large number of muppets milling around hopelessly.




It was LIMBO - a place for the uninitiated




Meister recalled that that fella Dante (the Italian delusional poet fella) had met all them pagans like Homer (the blind Greek dude, not Simpson) Horace, Ovid and dear old Julius et all. Amazingly Meister did not see any of them. He went around talking to a few of these poor souls and realised that they are all souls who during their lifetime never played, saw or enjoyed footy despite having the opportunity. Foocking muppets.




However, Meister also saw Arsenal and Liverpool fans there. He was quite surprised.




"What the hell?!!" he said (which was quite ironic since he was in it). He saw a house and decided to go and enquire. He went and knocked on the door. The door was opened by a centaur.


"You are Chiron arent' you?" asked Meister

"Of course fatso, who the hell did you think it would be? Its me job to guard all these bloody souls."

"Oh ok, can you tell me why the damn fools and the arse lovers are here? They like football."

"Well in the case of the fools, it is because of their blind bullheadedness to follow the manures, they got lost along the way and ended up here."

"Hehe, damn fools. And what about the arseholes?"

"Oh, their case is different. They are here because of cruelty to animails."

"What animals?"

"Donkeys of course. For years, they have been riding their moral donkeys and claiming that football is a non-contact sport ala ludo. Also they have been following an alleged peodophile."


"Yeah, the buggers belong here. But what about the manures? Why aren't they here?

"You will continue asking me questions aren't you?"

"Well I have so many! I want to go to all the different circles and see whats going on."

"Bloody hell!! Oh hell, ok lets go, I will take you."



Meister, Brown and Chiron then moved on and entered Level 2.




Meister saw a lot of frustrated men and women running around shouting why?? why??? and nooooooooooo etc etc




Chiron told the Meister that this is the place for all the horny bastards. Those who used to fuck around and cheat on their spouses etc while being alive and those for whom sex was the most important thing.



He told the Meister that as punishment for that, all the men suffer from every demonically conceivable erectile dysfunction and all the women are always kept sexually stimulated and within 10 seconds of orgasm with a varied assortment of dildos and vibrators always 6 inches beyond their grasp.




Meister could not recognise anyone here except Bespactacled Luj Charactered Professor, Tiger Woods, Woody Allen and Ashley Cole. Chiron did point out Paris, Helen, Casanova, Don Juan and Cleopetra. Chiron also told the Meister that Silvio Berlusconi was supposed to be there but apparently he was so awesome that The Spaghetti Monster wanted to meet him and thus had beamed him up.





And then he saw it. He was astonished and extremely glad - it was the spirit of Ayushman of the Bossturds.



Chiron saw his happy smile and said, "Wait there's more to come"




They moved on and came upon level 3.


Chiron told Meister that this is the place for all them gluttons, those fellas who always wanted more, by hook or by crook. And guess who was inside?




All the politicians in the world, the old kings and emperors and Meister's old boss Mithyavardhan and Ayushman of the Bossturds.


Meister was totally flabbergasted. "But I just saw him in the last level!!"

"Yes you did, he is there in that level and this level too. You see he had lust as well as greed and he always wanted more from everybody."

"But how to do you divide the spirit?"


"Well earlier we couldn't, but for him, we specially ordered a soul-splitter from Hephaestus."





He learnt that all the souls in level 3 have been forever doomed and cursed in such a way that they will spend their time watching all the wealth they coveted burning to dust and ashes.



And then he saw Sundari, with a headphone clamped over her. The baroness also saw her and started barking, upon which Sundari clamped hands on hereyes and started whining and moaning.


"Hey, that's Sundari!! What's she doing here? I thought this was a place only for humans and Ayushman of the Bossturd."

"Well, she is one of the hellhounds. You know under Cerberus and the Baroness here."


"You mean Baroness is the canine ruler here?"

"Yep, she is Cerberus's queen. And Sundari over there is just a low level employee, that's why she is so scared of the baroness here."

"Way to go Brown!! But what's with the headphones?"

"Well she wa a legendary glutton when she was alive, so once every week, she has to spend the whole day without food and with the headphones clamped on her. Its not music, its the continuous sound of thunderstorms."


"Ah ok, she wonce stole food from me fridge. So hmm I think its fair enough."


"Lets go to the next level"



In the next level - level 4, they saw unspeakable horrors and tortures being committed by demons of every shape and size. Apparently it is a place for all those who have perpetrated some heinous action on others. It is a place reserved for rapists and murderers and poedophiles and amateur talentless poets.



And yes he was there as well...chained to a rock with a whole plague of rats eating his bollocks and kidneys and liver. Apparently Satan has stolen the idea from the whole Zeus Prometheus thing.

They are Coming, They are Coming, They are Comingggggggggg

And then there were the goats. With their soul destroying stares and their stone cold facial expressions that can freeze a man's bollocks, they kept looking and plotting.

Oh yes, they are plotting.

They are just biding their time. They know that the Age of Man is coming to the end. The 5th Horseman of the Apocalyspe - Uselessness has arrived on the planet (in the guise of Ayushman of the Bossturds).


After 10000 years of us eating their fathers, grandfathers, great grandfathers, great great grandfathers, great great great grandfathers, great great great great great grandfathers................... they are fed up and they wanna rebel.


You can see that the wheels are in motion. Intense cogitaion and discussions are taking place behind the scenes. Its only a matter of time before they decide..


"Fork it, we will become carnivorous"


And they have already marked their first victim. OOo yes just the way in which their ogle Fat Uncle Cheapo, u know they are planning to eat him alive....well they would be alive, Cheapo would be dead.



But wait, let me start from the beginning.


Yesterday, once office got over, with joy de vivre in his heart ...courtesy no work and the lates Pratchett e-book, and a couple of rolls in Baldrick's stomach, Cheapo started his homeward voyage.


Upon seeing the level crossing open, he decided to take that instead of using the flyover. He had used it twice before and so he knew that he knew the way.



So naturally, he got lost.



But, but, but having an awesome in-built compass which can figure out direction with the snap of a fingure, he wasn't worried.  He just had to look up and look at the sun. So he looked up and realised that







the sun had already set.



Nae problemo. He could see the flyover in the horizon and rode towards it shouting "tallu ho".


Well as it turned out, when you are on the Flying Machine i.e. Baldrick its not a good idea to shout such things - you only get increduluous stares in return from the assembled inttelligentsia for the next few minutes while His Lazyness ambles along



Anyway so they came below the flyover, so that their is only 1 way an took it



and soon came in junctions.


So, the next course of action involved asking random passer or standing byes direction to Imax.


After getting directions that would have confused King Minos himself and them nawabs who built that damn maze in Lucknow, they setforth.


And the roads became smaller and smaller and smaller till

They were travelling through someone's balcony and someone's verandah and just beside someone's drawing room etc. etc.


And there were the never ending junctions and blind lanes and blind bylanes and blind alleys and blind galis.


Their progress was eagerly examined by assorted kids, bored women, jobless youth, a few duty shirking policemen, a plethora of chicken, a number of dogs...all of whom lined up at the roads, leaned out from their windows and doors, stared up from their dungeons etc...waiting for action (much liked those numpties who wait all day to look at cyclicts breezing past in a matter of seconds in the Tour de France).


And then there were the goats.

An Immovable Object

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?


Well it has been bugging people since the dawn of time....or well....at least since the time of them robe wearing, beard keeeping, boy loving, hemlock drinking, "eureka" shouting bunch of numpties took one look at the six pack abs of the Spartans and decided there and then that physical labour or an honest day's work is beyond them and so they would spend the rest of their times thinking and chatting.


It is a question akin to them eternal mysteries -

If a rhinoceros farts in the jungle and if there is no one around to hear it, does the fart still make a sound?

What is the purpose behind houseflies and Ayushman of the Bossturds? What are they good for?



Anyway to come back to the point.......


Fat Uncle Cheapo recently had a chance of answering the question once and for all.


He was riding Baldrick. A car was hurtling towards them from the back. It started honking like a clown high on LSD.



But Baldrick refused to budge. He has a fixed policy here. Unless ye r an ambulance, fire brigade, police car or waving a red rag signifying emergency, if you honk incessently, ye will not be given right of way.


Honk once (or max twice) and ye shall pass.

Honk more and get stuck behind.


Anyway after 5 mins of such action, once a much wider road has been reached, the car swerved and overtook, and came side by side and the window was rolled down and the driver and his squeeze both looked at Cheapo intent to give him a piece of their mind.......



and took one look at his frown, rolledup the window and fled away with nary a sound.



So it has been proved that an immovable object in the avaaatar of Baldrick will always win.

How to deal with those stupid cunts at Twilight

Vampires

the very mention should send shivers through yer spines....one of the toughest bunch of killers in the history of the planet (Otto Chriek excluded), almost undestructible. They are faster, stronger and they can fly.

Count Dracula, Nosferatu, Lestat, Rasputin, Blade, Rayne, Selene, Darla and Druscilla, Angelus and the greatest of them all Spike.


And then there are those stupid cunts from Twilight.....the namby famby fucking cullens, the biggest disgrace to their species since ...well...Fat Uncle Cheapo.


So, Cheapo started thinking and he came up with a few solutions


1. Send the cullens to Sunnydale

not only will they meet Buffy...and wooo it would be fun, they might also get to meet (if they are lucky) the greatest one of em all - Spike


2. Get Blade to come wherever those nancies are staying


3. Strip them naked and dump them in the Sahara


4. Politely invite Granny Weatherwax to come to their town


5. Resurrect Voldemort, that bastard avra kedavrad pattinson once, he can do it again

I should have been an author or a movie script-writer

Well last night La Donatella entered into a discussion with the Hippo about some film (made from money sponsored by some tissue paper manufacturing company) where after much hardships and misery, the protagonist goes and jumps into a well. (yep, why anyone would watch such a depressing piece is beyond Cheapo as well)

Now being a member of the ethnic minority where Cuthbert Calculus is the honorary president, Cheapo heard that the protagonist had gone and jumped into a whale......a fact that would have automatically ensured that the movie would have been a superhit as well as very much enjoyable.


When Cheapo enquired about it, the bourgeois called him a palestinian for some reason and ordered him to bugger off. He later got a letter of complaint about his behaviour as well.


Despite all that Cheapo started thinking (never a good idea) about other depressing disasterpieces which would have been much much better with alternate endings.


Lets take some example where alternate endings etc would have made the depressing stuff much much more joyous.


That damn Titanic is sinking, that idiot leo is freezing to death, that nutter orchestra is still playing the crap music with water upto their knees.......when out of nowehere


Superman comes!!!! He raises the Titanic, saves all the people (except Leo, because he is a cunt) and flies away.....with tat nutter orchestra still playing on (only this time they are playing "when the Saints go marching in, when the saints go marching in....."



Lets look at another example


Moses, just after smoking the joint, hears god's orders and makes those 2 tablets with those ten commandments, when all of a sudden Hulk jumps in out of nowehere and then jumps out again......followed by the USA USA USA helicopters. Moses gets scared and drops one of the tablets (the one containing cobveting thy neighbour's ass)......and human history (or in Moses's perspective, human future) changes.


Later in the same film, when the Hebrews are totally lost i nthe middle of the desert, the USA USA USA marines appear and with the help of sat nav, guide them to the promised land.......and also drop a couple of bombs on them philistines in the process. (They also equipped David with a sawed off- shotfun to fight Goliath but lets not get into that)



Lets look at another example


Juliet is dead, or at least thats what that super silly ass Romeo thinks has happened...he is making his tearful speech and preparing to kill himself....when in walks Dr. House and bangs Romeo's head with the walking stick and tell him to bugger off you idiot....and then goes and gives Juliet an injection to wake her up.


Lets look at another example


Hillary Swank is all confused about whether she is a boy or girl or whatever but one day while walking through a street, a football rolls her way and without thinking she pciks it up and does some tricks with it. An agent sees her and offers a trial. During the medical text, they realise that she is a girl and so instead of the boy's team they put her in the girl's team and she becomes very rich and very famous.....and being lesbian is in heaven during post match showers etc...


Lets look at another example


Meg Ryan is bicycling with her hands off the handle and her eyes closed and that truck is coming towards her and its about to impact......when Hancock comes and stops the truck...they fall in love and live happily ever after.......Nicolas cage commits suicide



Lets look at another example


Its Requiem for a Dream and within 5 minutes of the beginning, a nuclear bomb drops on those addicts and turn all of them into zombies.

Is it a Bird? Is it a Plane? Is it a Flying Cow?

Well, Cheapo had a similar situation recently.

It was in his new office. He was in a corner sobbing his conked out heart out and trying to put his head between his legs and failing miserable because of his paunch....when the office amma approached with a cup of beverage.

She queried, "Sir, tea"

Since, Cheapo never turns down free stuff, "Why thank you"


And then he took a sip...and then he took few more sips


And had the aforementioned moment


You see, he couldn't.....and still hasn't been able to.....figure out what the hell it was


Was it tea?

Was it coffee?

Was it Bournvita?

Was it Complan?

Was it hot cocoa?



or was it some weird chemical concoction with traces of arsenic in it??


the mystery abides

Its all about Pants

Now, this is one subject Cheapo is an expert of.




Cheapo's pants keep falling off. It doesn't matter whether he is wearing a bermuda, shorts, trousers or jeans - they all fall down. Its like the last line of that obscene children's nursery rhyme ringa ringa roses




Recently Cheapo went to buy some underwear. Now since he has a big ass ass, he had a helluva lot of difficulty in finding his size - in fact in the whole bloody mall, there were only 2 his size. But hey, thats nothing new. what is new is a new style of underwear. They are called low back or low cut or something. Now imagine if Cheapo wears it, his pants fall down and instead of underwear, you can see the Meisterbutt!!!!





Its disgusting, obscene, hideous, reprehensible!!!! And it is against the Geneva Convention.





So that brings up the question what kind of sick, twisted, frustrated, depraved, degenerate sad excuse of a man would go around flouting his ass!!



Pull up yer pants man, no one wants to see yer ass.








Now that brings us to the topic of women. Everyone wants to see their ass....and they duly oblige.





For some reason, women have taken to wearing low waist or low cut jeans with similar type of panties.....result - whenever they bend down or lean forward or sit on a bike, its wuhooo time for the men





Now Cheapo thinks that there are 3 types of women



Type 1 - the exhibitionists.....and they should all be given the Noble Prize for services to humanity





Type 2 - the accidental flasher who doesn't give a damn...and since they don't give a damn, its cool



which brings us to



Type 3 - the accidental flasher who gets mortified



and this includes the lot who goes around wrapping their face in voluminous pieces of cloth.... much like a mummy in fact



irony is that though the face is covered except two narrow slits for eyes, the ass is out





So this is the Cheapo suggestion for that lot





a. buy a belt



b. if that doesn't work, buy jeans which aren't low waist, low cut whatever



c. if neither works or is against fashion or whatever, buy and wear panties which do not slid down





or












d. if you do nothing, prepare yourself to one day see the Meisterface grinning like a cat which has just received a dozen canaries.