So Meister was sitting (all alone as usual) and eating an ice cream, when all of a sudden everything went darker and colder and some wraith like creatures with huge fangs and claws called dementeds (under the employ of the Great Indian Chunkubaaz) attacked the Meister. Meister tried to fight but being fat, stupid and generally useless, he was helpless.
What happened next, completely bewildered the Meister. All of a sudden there was a rumble and out of the earth burst forth a ferocious and terrifying creature. It was huge. It had fangs more than a foot long. It had brown glossy shiny fur all over and huge claws on its legs.
It was none other than the Meister's dear old friend the Brown Bomber.
She barked and attacked and soon destroyed all the dementeds. Then she came back and hugged the Meister. She then started tugging the Meister towards the hole in the ground from where she had burst forth. having nothing better to do, he followed and so they went and entered the ground.
They came up to this gate where it was written -
Abandon all Carbs Ye who Enter
Meister realised that he was dead and entering hell. Well, having been in a private hell for the last 28 years he didnt care and so undaunted, he enetered. Of course Brown was with him and led him.
They came upon a map with a "Thou art Here Dumbass" sign.
Meister saw that the arrow pointed to a road which led to a big door. He went to the door and saw "Level 1" written there. So he pushed open the door and went in.
It was a place of suffering. There were a large number of muppets milling around hopelessly.
It was LIMBO - a place for the uninitiated
Meister recalled that that fella Dante (the Italian delusional poet fella) had met all them pagans like Homer (the blind Greek dude, not Simpson) Horace, Ovid and dear old Julius et all. Amazingly Meister did not see any of them. He went around talking to a few of these poor souls and realised that they are all souls who during their lifetime never played, saw or enjoyed footy despite having the opportunity. Foocking muppets.
However, Meister also saw Arsenal and Liverpool fans there. He was quite surprised.
"What the hell?!!" he said (which was quite ironic since he was in it). He saw a house and decided to go and enquire. He went and knocked on the door. The door was opened by a centaur.
"You are Chiron arent' you?" asked Meister
"Of course fatso, who the hell did you think it would be? Its me job to guard all these bloody souls."
"Oh ok, can you tell me why the damn fools and the arse lovers are here? They like football."
"Well in the case of the fools, it is because of their blind bullheadedness to follow the manures, they got lost along the way and ended up here."
"Hehe, damn fools. And what about the arseholes?"
"Oh, their case is different. They are here because of cruelty to animails."
"What animals?"
"Donkeys of course. For years, they have been riding their moral donkeys and claiming that football is a non-contact sport ala ludo. Also they have been following an alleged peodophile."
"Yeah, the buggers belong here. But what about the manures? Why aren't they here?
"You will continue asking me questions aren't you?"
"Well I have so many! I want to go to all the different circles and see whats going on."
"Bloody hell!! Oh hell, ok lets go, I will take you."
Meister, Brown and Chiron then moved on and entered Level 2.
Meister saw a lot of frustrated men and women running around shouting why?? why??? and nooooooooooo etc etc
Chiron told the Meister that this is the place for all the horny bastards. Those who used to fuck around and cheat on their spouses etc while being alive and those for whom sex was the most important thing.
He told the Meister that as punishment for that, all the men suffer from every demonically conceivable erectile dysfunction and all the women are always kept sexually stimulated and within 10 seconds of orgasm with a varied assortment of dildos and vibrators always 6 inches beyond their grasp.
Meister could not recognise anyone here except Bespactacled Luj Charactered Professor, Tiger Woods, Woody Allen and Ashley Cole. Chiron did point out Paris, Helen, Casanova, Don Juan and Cleopetra. Chiron also told the Meister that Silvio Berlusconi was supposed to be there but apparently he was so awesome that The Spaghetti Monster wanted to meet him and thus had beamed him up.
And then he saw it. He was astonished and extremely glad - it was the spirit of Ayushman of the Bossturds.
Chiron saw his happy smile and said, "Wait there's more to come"
They moved on and came upon level 3.
Chiron told Meister that this is the place for all them gluttons, those fellas who always wanted more, by hook or by crook. And guess who was inside?
All the politicians in the world, the old kings and emperors and Meister's old boss Mithyavardhan and Ayushman of the Bossturds.
Meister was totally flabbergasted. "But I just saw him in the last level!!"
"Yes you did, he is there in that level and this level too. You see he had lust as well as greed and he always wanted more from everybody."
"But how to do you divide the spirit?"
"Well earlier we couldn't, but for him, we specially ordered a soul-splitter from Hephaestus."
He learnt that all the souls in level 3 have been forever doomed and cursed in such a way that they will spend their time watching all the wealth they coveted burning to dust and ashes.
And then he saw Sundari, with a headphone clamped over her. The baroness also saw her and started barking, upon which Sundari clamped hands on hereyes and started whining and moaning.
"Hey, that's Sundari!! What's she doing here? I thought this was a place only for humans and Ayushman of the Bossturd."
"Well, she is one of the hellhounds. You know under Cerberus and the Baroness here."
"You mean Baroness is the canine ruler here?"
"Yep, she is Cerberus's queen. And Sundari over there is just a low level employee, that's why she is so scared of the baroness here."
"Way to go Brown!! But what's with the headphones?"
"Well she wa a legendary glutton when she was alive, so once every week, she has to spend the whole day without food and with the headphones clamped on her. Its not music, its the continuous sound of thunderstorms."
"Ah ok, she wonce stole food from me fridge. So hmm I think its fair enough."
"Lets go to the next level"
In the next level - level 4, they saw unspeakable horrors and tortures being committed by demons of every shape and size. Apparently it is a place for all those who have perpetrated some heinous action on others. It is a place reserved for rapists and murderers and poedophiles and amateur talentless poets.
And yes he was there as well...chained to a rock with a whole plague of rats eating his bollocks and kidneys and liver. Apparently Satan has stolen the idea from the whole Zeus Prometheus thing.
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