Everyone knows that Cheapo is a helpful guy (whenever he can be arsed enough to get out of bed that is). But recently his habit of helping the populace has reached epic, not to mention embarrassing proportions.
You see, Cheapo's friend The Wellbeloved Family Doormat Awfully Wee Crybaby had been suffering from mental as well as physical constipation for a long time.
Symptoms - "Wellbeloved is my god; I belong to Wellbeloved; His crap is my essence; His pee is my nectar; His fart my perfume; All hail Wellbeloved etc etc" and acute stomach pain.
Ergo hospital ahoy.
And following the laws of the excellent Mr. Murphy, the hospital just had to be miles (kilometres for the up-to-date readership) from both Cheapo's home and office.
And of course following the laws of that fella Sod, the hospital authorities had to christen her Mrs. Crybaby.....thereby confusing the hell out of a hospital full of doctors, nurses, cleaning stuff etc regarding just who the hell Cheapo is -father? brother? grandfather? benevolent uncle? sugar daddy? etc etc (because Crybaby looks like she is 14, while conservative estimates suggest that Cheapo looks at least early 40s)
And then there were tests.....the lucky so and so got to ride wheelchairs and stretchers et all while Cheapo was stuck with and had to trudge along with what seemed like about half a dozen different pieces of luggage....why women carry so much stuff is one of those mysteries that will probably never be solved.
Anyway the tests confirmed what Cheapo suspected all along - that Crybaby is a fucking idiot and that she was suffering appendicitis (despite Uber's protestations and convictions to the contrary).
Well, she got a room - with a tv with no sports channels and a fan which kept going away from Cheapo's couch. And she got her operation. And she is fine now.
So far so good yeah?
Anyway as she was in hospital, she had to have a companion right? Shifts were made, lots were drawn and Cheapo got the morning slot 6Am-12Pm (Cheapo had to go to work after that every day - the less said about that the better).
What does it mean?
It means that Cheapo had to wake up at 4.30 Am everyday and walk for miles (or kms if ye prefer) to get autos.
[In fact Cheapo walked more in the last 3 or 4 days than he had done in the whole of last year.]
And of course it rained.
Uber having scared the bejeejus off the security guards, at least there weren't any access problems. Rumours also abound that due to the fear of Uber, at certain points of time there were as many as 4 or 5 people in Crybaby's room, while all other rooms had only 2 - 1 patient, 1 attendant.
Anyway, to come to the worst part.
The day of discharge arrived.
Crybaby started crying that she doesn't have a thing to wear and thus devised a plan of action so inexplicable and ill-conceived, it would have made Captain Scott's polar expeditions a byword for proper planning and efficiency.
Cheapo being a calm, cool, collected, intelligent and generous clackalackadackdack devised an alternative plan whereby he went out to buy her a skirt.
So he went out. He saw a shop. He approached the shop (all on foot btw). He saw saleslady. He asked saleslady if skirts are available.
Upon which he got a look of utter contempt and disgust and loathing and shock and horror and repugnance and pique and outrage and....well in short...the sort of look that our resident gay pedophile Wellbeloved deserves and gets from the parents and guardians of babies and toddlers and all other right thinking decent human beings.
First Uber's claims that Cheapo is as useless as Ayushman of the Bossturds.
Then Uber's threats of GBH for cracking innocent jokes.
Now, a look reserved for gay pedophiles.
There is no justice in the world. And there certainly is no advantage in being a generally decent, honest, hard-working individual.
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