Weapons
Vlad the Impaler/Dracula - 5 thousand soldiers, bows, arrows, spears, swords, shields, spikes, maces, axes, horses
Wolverine - Enhanced ability to smell, reflexes, Adamantium bones, clackalackadackdack
Secret
Vlad the Impaler/Dracula - Can change into a giant bat and fly
Wolverine - Can heal himself from any wound
Location
A valley in Transylvania, a small village
Battle
One day, a stranger wrapped in a cloak knocks the door of the inn. The innkeeper allowed him to come inside and gets him a drink. He asks for a room and goes inside.
One of the regulars of the inn leaves and gets up on his horse and rides away.
He rides for hours and comes to the fortress of Dracula. He passes the message to the guards about a stranger who has arrived. Dracula gets the message. He suspects that the stranger is a spy of Mehemet II. He decides to capture the spy and question him personally.
He immediately sends a dozen soldiers.
He waits but the soldiers do not come back.
He then sends 50 soldiers. They also do not come back.
He gathers an army of 50 archers, 50 men at arms, 50 horsemen and 300 infantry and proceedes.
Upon reaching the inn, he gets the news that the stranger has left a day ago after fighting and killing a dozen soldiers.
The villagers tell him that the stranger was last seen headed east.
Dracula becomes incredulous that only 1 man killed all his soldiers. he refuses to believe it. His scouts come back saying that they have found the remains of the 50 soldiers.
He gets enraged. He orders his army to stay behind.
When night falls, he changes into the giant bat and flies away towards east.
After about an hour of flying, he spies a small campsite.
He descends and observes a sleeping man. Upon further observation, he becomes convinced that this is the stranger/spy.
He swoops down on the sleepinf man. Just when he was aout to put his talons in the man, the man suddenly jumps up and goes int oan attacking posture saying "Who the hell are you Bub?"
Dracula replies "I am Vladislav Dracula and these are my lands. You have killed my soldiers. Now prepare to die."
Wolverine says: "I have no grief with you Bub. Walk away and live to fight another day."
Dracula attacks. Wolverine slides out his adamantium claws.
The battle rages on.
Wolverine, having no idea that he is fighting a vampire keeps punching, kicking, slamming and clawing but to no avail. Dracula just keeps coming back.
Dracula realises that he needs to go back to bat shapeto defeat Wolverine.
He changes back int oa giant bat and surprises the hell out of Wolverine.
Taking advantage of that, Dracula lunges, beats him unconscious. He then plants a spear on the ground, lifts up Wolverine and impales him on it.
Wolverine slumps.
Dracula lets oput a mighty roar and then changes back into a human shape and walks over to check Wolverine's belongings.
He hears "I am not done with you Bub"
He turns around in surprise and Wolverine jumps straight at him with claws out.
He strikes Dracula in a flying tackle and his middle finger enters Dracula's chest and pierces his heart.
Incredulous, Dracula splutters out: "How!"
Wolverine answers: "I'm the best there is at what I do, but what I do best isn't very nice"
Dracula crumples to dust.
Wolverine looks at the dust and says "You should dust your place more Bub".
Then he lights a cigar and walks away.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Episode 1
Navy Seals vs Lord Rama's Monkey Army
Special Weapons
Lord Rama's Monkey Army are equipped with.....apart from the normal bows, arrows, spears, maces and axes....... Pushpak Chariot (air support), Vishalyakarani Sanjivani (miracurall/elixir of life) Agastya Ashtra, Naga Paanam (chemical weapons), Paasa Paanam (stun grenades), Varsana (divides into many arrows - canister used in cannons), Agneyastra (flame thrower), Gandharvastra (spreads confusion and panic - smokebomb), Brahmastra (nuclear missile)
and the ultimate greatest WMD the world has ever seen
Hanuman
The Navy Seals are equipped with M79 Grenade Launchers, Mark 3 Knives, High Standard HDM handguns, MK 1 Underwater Defence guns, Ruger MK II, M4 CQB-R and CAR 15 range of assualt rifles and sub-machine guns.....along with meds, sat-navs, sunglasses and all other modern day paraphernalia.
Setting
A Navy Seal fortress at the shore of an ocean.................
Its a shored up natural fortress. Traingular in structure, it is built with the cliff in mind. In fact one whole side is the cliff face. The other 2 sides open to the sea. The fortress is built on an extremely steep slope of more than 70 degrees, making it almost impossible to climb or breach. Furthermore, there are 2 layers of concrete walls encompassing the fortress. A helipad inside ensures air support from half a dozen helicopters.
Satelite defences make any advances immediately identifiable and the forces within get ready within 5 minutes of the warning. Also sat defenses mean any icoming missile is immediately blocked.
One path from the fortress leads to the coks where morethan a score of the latest US Navy commisioned motorboats are kept along with a small garrison.
Battle
Its 7 in the morning when satelite imagery first picks up some advancing beaps on the ocean. Further investigation shows something advancing.
The SEALS get ready. The motor boats are launched.
The monkeys are throwing humongous boulders in the ocean making a sort of bridge. The monkey army is advancing on this makeshift bridge.
The 2 forces collide.
The SEALS launch a few missiles etc and fire at the army and blow up a number of boulders killing quite a few monkeys. However, the monkeys throw massive boulders in return and mange to sink a couple of motorboats.
The Squadron Leader of the SEALS order his forces to retreat. They fall back and request for air assist.
The helicopters start.
They approach the army and start shooting killing hundreds of monekys. The stones of the monkeys don't even come near the helicopters.
Lord Rama sees the problem and boards the Pushpak Chariot.
Air battle commences.
In the meantime, the monkeys arrive at the shore and launch an attack on the fortress. being monkeys, they easily manage to climb the steep walls but meet a hail of bullets.
Hundreds of monekys fall.
Seeing the horrible casulaties, Sugrib comes and tries to reorder his battalons and Laxman himself and launches Paasa Paanams and Gandharvastras. In the ensuing panic among the SEALS, the monkeys retreat a bit and collect all their dead and injured.
The baboon Jambooban then gives each fallen monkey the elixir of life and they spring back to life.
But stalemate.
Laxman decides to launch Naga Paanams but they have no effect on the SEALS as they are wearing protective armours etc.
Meanwhile in the air battle, the Pushpak Chariot got in trouble due to getting attacked from all side. This forced Rama to use the Varsanas. A couple of the helicopters fall. The remaining retreat to above their fortress from which they continue a deadly fire on the monkey troops.
Rama has to get down because the chariot got damaged.
Rama launches the Brahmastra. But the satelite defences of the SEALS manage to stop them.
The monkey army can't find any way of breaching the fortress. They start to despair. Sensing victory, the SEALS up their ante and fire with more vim and vigour.
Seeing no other way, Rama approaches Hanuman and pleads with him to do something.
Hanuman asks all the monkeys to fall back.
He attacks the fortress alone.
All the SEALS concentrate their fire on Hanuman.
Hanuman gets pissed off and starts growing ...and growing...and growing.
He picks the helicopters from the air and throws them in the sea. He starts stamping on the fortress and soon breaks them down.
The SEALS surrender.
The air resonates with the shout - Jai Bajrangbali
Next Episode - Vlad the Impaler/Dracula vs Wolverine
Special Weapons
Lord Rama's Monkey Army are equipped with.....apart from the normal bows, arrows, spears, maces and axes....... Pushpak Chariot (air support), Vishalyakarani Sanjivani (miracurall/elixir of life) Agastya Ashtra, Naga Paanam (chemical weapons), Paasa Paanam (stun grenades), Varsana (divides into many arrows - canister used in cannons), Agneyastra (flame thrower), Gandharvastra (spreads confusion and panic - smokebomb), Brahmastra (nuclear missile)
and the ultimate greatest WMD the world has ever seen
Hanuman
The Navy Seals are equipped with M79 Grenade Launchers, Mark 3 Knives, High Standard HDM handguns, MK 1 Underwater Defence guns, Ruger MK II, M4 CQB-R and CAR 15 range of assualt rifles and sub-machine guns.....along with meds, sat-navs, sunglasses and all other modern day paraphernalia.
Setting
A Navy Seal fortress at the shore of an ocean.................
Its a shored up natural fortress. Traingular in structure, it is built with the cliff in mind. In fact one whole side is the cliff face. The other 2 sides open to the sea. The fortress is built on an extremely steep slope of more than 70 degrees, making it almost impossible to climb or breach. Furthermore, there are 2 layers of concrete walls encompassing the fortress. A helipad inside ensures air support from half a dozen helicopters.
Satelite defences make any advances immediately identifiable and the forces within get ready within 5 minutes of the warning. Also sat defenses mean any icoming missile is immediately blocked.
One path from the fortress leads to the coks where morethan a score of the latest US Navy commisioned motorboats are kept along with a small garrison.
Battle
Its 7 in the morning when satelite imagery first picks up some advancing beaps on the ocean. Further investigation shows something advancing.
The SEALS get ready. The motor boats are launched.
The monkeys are throwing humongous boulders in the ocean making a sort of bridge. The monkey army is advancing on this makeshift bridge.
The 2 forces collide.
The SEALS launch a few missiles etc and fire at the army and blow up a number of boulders killing quite a few monkeys. However, the monkeys throw massive boulders in return and mange to sink a couple of motorboats.
The Squadron Leader of the SEALS order his forces to retreat. They fall back and request for air assist.
The helicopters start.
They approach the army and start shooting killing hundreds of monekys. The stones of the monkeys don't even come near the helicopters.
Lord Rama sees the problem and boards the Pushpak Chariot.
Air battle commences.
In the meantime, the monkeys arrive at the shore and launch an attack on the fortress. being monkeys, they easily manage to climb the steep walls but meet a hail of bullets.
Hundreds of monekys fall.
Seeing the horrible casulaties, Sugrib comes and tries to reorder his battalons and Laxman himself and launches Paasa Paanams and Gandharvastras. In the ensuing panic among the SEALS, the monkeys retreat a bit and collect all their dead and injured.
The baboon Jambooban then gives each fallen monkey the elixir of life and they spring back to life.
But stalemate.
Laxman decides to launch Naga Paanams but they have no effect on the SEALS as they are wearing protective armours etc.
Meanwhile in the air battle, the Pushpak Chariot got in trouble due to getting attacked from all side. This forced Rama to use the Varsanas. A couple of the helicopters fall. The remaining retreat to above their fortress from which they continue a deadly fire on the monkey troops.
Rama has to get down because the chariot got damaged.
Rama launches the Brahmastra. But the satelite defences of the SEALS manage to stop them.
The monkey army can't find any way of breaching the fortress. They start to despair. Sensing victory, the SEALS up their ante and fire with more vim and vigour.
Seeing no other way, Rama approaches Hanuman and pleads with him to do something.
Hanuman asks all the monkeys to fall back.
He attacks the fortress alone.
All the SEALS concentrate their fire on Hanuman.
Hanuman gets pissed off and starts growing ...and growing...and growing.
He picks the helicopters from the air and throws them in the sea. He starts stamping on the fortress and soon breaks them down.
The SEALS surrender.
The air resonates with the shout - Jai Bajrangbali
Next Episode - Vlad the Impaler/Dracula vs Wolverine
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Most Clackalackadackdack Piece of Thought EVERRRR aka The Magnum Dopus
Well all of ye who have been avid readers of the Meisterblog know that Fat Uncle Cheapo absolutely loves that History Channel show where they pit one group of legendary warriors against another.
For example, it had
Apache vs Gladiator
Viking vs Samurai
Spartan vs Ninja
Pirate vs Knight
Yakuza vs Mafia
Green Beret vs Spetsnaz
Shaolin Monk vs Māori Warrior
William Wallace vs ShakaZulu
IRA vs Taliban
SWAT vs. GSG 9
Attila the Hun vs. Alexander the Great
Jesse James vs. Al Capone
Aztec Jaguar vs. Zande Warrior
Nazi Waffen-SS vs. Viet Cong
Roman Centurion vs. Rajput Warrior
Somali Pirate vs. Medellín Cartel
Persian Immortal vs. Celt
KGB vs. CIA
Vlad the Impaler vs. Sun Tzu
Ming Warrior vs. Musketeer
Comanche vs. Mongol
Navy SEAL vs. Israeli Commando
This got Cheapo thinking. He decided that what the channel lacked was vision. What they should do is take the fiercest warriors of fiction as well and mix them up with the warriors of real life. Only then can you decide who is the deadliest warrior.
From the lot above, lets take the winners and judge where they can be included in the Cheapo version
Apache - nope, sorry mate, you lot got massacred by a bunch of cow farmers, so disqualified
Samurai - hmmm shortlisted
Spartan - the champions of the ancient world, defeated the Immortales, so hell yes
Pirate - Captain Jack Sparrow savvy?
Mafia - totally disqualified on virtue of being regularly put in jail
Spetznaz - in a word yes
Shaolin Monk - Bruce Lee is representing them wue meditating
IRA - are out for losing to Harrison Ford
William Wallace - lost to Edward, so no
SWAT
Attila the Hun - hey the man defeated everything in his path and apparently would have defeated Alexander as well (note to Porus - elephants on a river bank - not a good idea ....just watch Lord of the Rings before u go to fight would u)
Jesse James - got assasinated, so out
Zande Warrior - lost to the Europeans so no
Nazi Waffen - lost to the Americans and the Comrades so out
Rajput Warrior - as much as it pains Cheapo, lost to the Mughals when fighting, got their daughters married to the Mughals when not fighting, so no
Immortals - lost to Leonida's Sparatans - out
Somali Pirate - r u kidding me?
Vlad the Impaler - well he was Dracula and he never gave up and defeated the Ottomans over and over again
CIA - can't defeat a bunch of shepherds, good for creating mess, definitely disqualified
Musketeer - medieval cheese eating surrender monkeys - so out
Comanache - lost to the cowboys, out
Navy Seal - in
So the winners are
Navy Seal
Vlad the Impaler/ Dracula
Shaolin Monk/Bruce Lee
Attila the Hun
Spetznaz
Samurai
Spartan
Pirate/Jack Sparrow
so that's the top 8 from real life
now we come to fiction
Naavi - defeated the Americans so - in
Aragon's Ghost Army - massacred Mordor's army plus the olyphants - in
Indomitable Gauls - by Toutatis they are in
The Governator - a highbreed of Terminator, Commando, Conan the Barbarian, Predator killer - in in in
Predators - killed the aliens so - in
Lord Rama's Monkey Army - defeated Lanka so - in
Wolverine - in
Moses carrying the Ark of Covenant (they are in the Bible, which is a book, ergo part of fiction) - defeated the Egyptians, defeated Jericho, Sodom and Gomorrah
now lets come to the draw, and bear in mind it can't be like humongous superiority for someone over the other so, keeping that in mind
what about
Navy Seal vs Lord Rama's Monkey Army
Vlad the Impaler/ Dracula vs Wolverine
Shaolin Monk/Bruce Lee vs Governator
Attila the Hun va Indomitable Gauls
Spetznaz vs Moses and the Ark
Samurai vs Predators
Spartan vs Naavi
Pirate/Jack Sparrow vs Aragon's Ghost Army
What drama!! What excitement!!! What clackalackadack!!!!
Who will win? Who will die?? Who are already dead and doesn't give a damn???
Who will become the ultimate fighter in real or reel life?????
And what strange twists, turns, surprises and clackalackadackdacks will the contestants have to face?????
Stay Tuned....the shit is about to hit the clackalackadack
For example, it had
Apache vs Gladiator
Viking vs Samurai
Spartan vs Ninja
Pirate vs Knight
Yakuza vs Mafia
Green Beret vs Spetsnaz
Shaolin Monk vs Māori Warrior
William Wallace vs ShakaZulu
IRA vs Taliban
SWAT vs. GSG 9
Attila the Hun vs. Alexander the Great
Jesse James vs. Al Capone
Aztec Jaguar vs. Zande Warrior
Nazi Waffen-SS vs. Viet Cong
Roman Centurion vs. Rajput Warrior
Somali Pirate vs. Medellín Cartel
Persian Immortal vs. Celt
KGB vs. CIA
Vlad the Impaler vs. Sun Tzu
Ming Warrior vs. Musketeer
Comanche vs. Mongol
Navy SEAL vs. Israeli Commando
This got Cheapo thinking. He decided that what the channel lacked was vision. What they should do is take the fiercest warriors of fiction as well and mix them up with the warriors of real life. Only then can you decide who is the deadliest warrior.
From the lot above, lets take the winners and judge where they can be included in the Cheapo version
Apache - nope, sorry mate, you lot got massacred by a bunch of cow farmers, so disqualified
Samurai - hmmm shortlisted
Spartan - the champions of the ancient world, defeated the Immortales, so hell yes
Pirate - Captain Jack Sparrow savvy?
Mafia - totally disqualified on virtue of being regularly put in jail
Spetznaz - in a word yes
Shaolin Monk - Bruce Lee is representing them wue meditating
IRA - are out for losing to Harrison Ford
William Wallace - lost to Edward, so no
SWAT
Attila the Hun - hey the man defeated everything in his path and apparently would have defeated Alexander as well (note to Porus - elephants on a river bank - not a good idea ....just watch Lord of the Rings before u go to fight would u)
Jesse James - got assasinated, so out
Zande Warrior - lost to the Europeans so no
Nazi Waffen - lost to the Americans and the Comrades so out
Rajput Warrior - as much as it pains Cheapo, lost to the Mughals when fighting, got their daughters married to the Mughals when not fighting, so no
Immortals - lost to Leonida's Sparatans - out
Somali Pirate - r u kidding me?
Vlad the Impaler - well he was Dracula and he never gave up and defeated the Ottomans over and over again
CIA - can't defeat a bunch of shepherds, good for creating mess, definitely disqualified
Musketeer - medieval cheese eating surrender monkeys - so out
Comanache - lost to the cowboys, out
Navy Seal - in
So the winners are
Navy Seal
Vlad the Impaler/ Dracula
Shaolin Monk/Bruce Lee
Attila the Hun
Spetznaz
Samurai
Spartan
Pirate/Jack Sparrow
so that's the top 8 from real life
now we come to fiction
Naavi - defeated the Americans so - in
Aragon's Ghost Army - massacred Mordor's army plus the olyphants - in
Indomitable Gauls - by Toutatis they are in
The Governator - a highbreed of Terminator, Commando, Conan the Barbarian, Predator killer - in in in
Predators - killed the aliens so - in
Lord Rama's Monkey Army - defeated Lanka so - in
Wolverine - in
Moses carrying the Ark of Covenant (they are in the Bible, which is a book, ergo part of fiction) - defeated the Egyptians, defeated Jericho, Sodom and Gomorrah
now lets come to the draw, and bear in mind it can't be like humongous superiority for someone over the other so, keeping that in mind
what about
Navy Seal vs Lord Rama's Monkey Army
Vlad the Impaler/ Dracula vs Wolverine
Shaolin Monk/Bruce Lee vs Governator
Attila the Hun va Indomitable Gauls
Spetznaz vs Moses and the Ark
Samurai vs Predators
Spartan vs Naavi
Pirate/Jack Sparrow vs Aragon's Ghost Army
What drama!! What excitement!!! What clackalackadack!!!!
Who will win? Who will die?? Who are already dead and doesn't give a damn???
Who will become the ultimate fighter in real or reel life?????
And what strange twists, turns, surprises and clackalackadackdacks will the contestants have to face?????
Stay Tuned....the shit is about to hit the clackalackadack
Monday, September 27, 2010
Fashion
Well, as all of you who know/have met/have seen/thrown stones at Fat Uncle Cheapo know, he thinks that the whole fashion industry is a total waste of space and time.
And he got vindicated.
He recently downloaded a movie called Pret-a-Porter. Horrible movie for those of a sporting disposition. The la-di-das and the ooh-la-las might enjoy it though. Anyway he didnt see the entire movie, he got bored after only a few minutes and watched the rest using fast forward.
From what he could make out it seemed some fashion competion or something was going on and the last designer was he winner. What did she do? Well she got all the supermodels to walk the ramp naked.
Cheapo thinks its one of them allegoragori things.....you know clothes do not maketh a man, we are all beautiful, naked is natural etc etc.
Now Cheapo aint propagating nudism. According to the UN Resolution and the Geneva Convention Act, hecan't be naked in public. Its apparently an offense punishable by being
So Cheapo started thinking about clothes and dresses and what he would wear and what he wouldn't.
And being a proletariat plus a memebrr of the Worlwide Brotherhood of the Ugly Fat Bald Midget Community, he decided to look worldwide.
(And of course disqualifying any kind of animal product)
Lets start with Asia
Japan - Kimono - yes to the cotton ones, no to the silk ones
Korea - Hanbok - no, too complicated (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanbok)
Mongolia - Deel - yes to the cotton ones, but only during winter....USP being specially made pockets for carrying vodka (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deel_(clothing))... plus anything Cheghiz wore is fine by the Cheapo
Malaysia, Indonesia, Maldives etc - Sarong - hell no
Bangladesh and Myanmar - Lungi - hell no
New Zealand and Pacific Islands - Maori flax skirts - yep, nae problemo
Hawai - Hawaaiwan shirts - of course
Pakistan - apparently irrespective of gender, all the buggers wear salwar kameez - no thanks
Bhutan - Gho - again, nae problemo http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gho
Lets go to South America
Venezuela - Licqui Licqui - Cheapo admits that he got really excited upon hearing the name but as it transpires, its just pants and shirt http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gho - so meh
Americas - any kind of American Indian costume - fine by me
Mexico - Sombrero and Mariachi suit - of course...Cheapo already has an Urban Sombrero
Chile - Huaso costume - sure
Peru - Chullo and Poncho / anything Incan - hell yes
If we consider Middle East and Africa
Alkhalla, Bedouin robes, grass skirts, multi coloured robes - all cool
now Europe
Germany, Austria etc - Tracht, Lederhosen http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracht http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lederhosen.. ooooooooo yesssssss
Czech and Slovakia - Kroje http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kroje - looks like there is a lot of red, so no
England - Morris Dancers' costume and Bowler hat - no way in hell for the former, hell yes for the latter
Croatia -
Chesse Eating Surrender Monkeys - Beret - yep
Balkans and Greece - Fustanella http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fustanella - looks cool, so yes
Netherlands - Clogs - why in hell would Cheapo wear wooden shoes????
Ancient Rome, Greece etc - toga, robes, skirts - yes yes yes
Poland, Belarus, Lithuania, Ukraine - Kontusz http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kontusz - Cheapo picturised himself in that ensemble, and liked it
Scotland - Kilt - do ye even have to ask
finally
McDonalds - hair made of mop, red nose and giant clown shoes - wanna wanna wanna wanna
and oh btw, Cheapo would rather get
hung
drawn
fractionised
decimated
burnt
kebabed and
listen to amateur poetry
than wear that disgusting, obscene, hazardous, morally reprehensible article of clothing which Indians have traditionally worn for hundreds of years and asa result of which they have had their arses kicked by all and sundry - The Dhoti
And he got vindicated.
He recently downloaded a movie called Pret-a-Porter. Horrible movie for those of a sporting disposition. The la-di-das and the ooh-la-las might enjoy it though. Anyway he didnt see the entire movie, he got bored after only a few minutes and watched the rest using fast forward.
From what he could make out it seemed some fashion competion or something was going on and the last designer was he winner. What did she do? Well she got all the supermodels to walk the ramp naked.
Cheapo thinks its one of them allegoragori things.....you know clothes do not maketh a man, we are all beautiful, naked is natural etc etc.
Now Cheapo aint propagating nudism. According to the UN Resolution and the Geneva Convention Act, hecan't be naked in public. Its apparently an offense punishable by being
- hung
- drawn
- fractionised
- decimated
- burnt
- kebabed and
- made to listen to amateur poetry
So Cheapo started thinking about clothes and dresses and what he would wear and what he wouldn't.
And being a proletariat plus a memebrr of the Worlwide Brotherhood of the Ugly Fat Bald Midget Community, he decided to look worldwide.
(And of course disqualifying any kind of animal product)
Lets start with Asia
Japan - Kimono - yes to the cotton ones, no to the silk ones
Korea - Hanbok - no, too complicated (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanbok)
Mongolia - Deel - yes to the cotton ones, but only during winter....USP being specially made pockets for carrying vodka (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deel_(clothing))... plus anything Cheghiz wore is fine by the Cheapo
Malaysia, Indonesia, Maldives etc - Sarong - hell no
Bangladesh and Myanmar - Lungi - hell no
New Zealand and Pacific Islands - Maori flax skirts - yep, nae problemo
Hawai - Hawaaiwan shirts - of course
Pakistan - apparently irrespective of gender, all the buggers wear salwar kameez - no thanks
Bhutan - Gho - again, nae problemo http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gho
Lets go to South America
Venezuela - Licqui Licqui - Cheapo admits that he got really excited upon hearing the name but as it transpires, its just pants and shirt http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gho - so meh
Americas - any kind of American Indian costume - fine by me
Mexico - Sombrero and Mariachi suit - of course...Cheapo already has an Urban Sombrero
Chile - Huaso costume - sure
Peru - Chullo and Poncho / anything Incan - hell yes
If we consider Middle East and Africa
Alkhalla, Bedouin robes, grass skirts, multi coloured robes - all cool
now Europe
Germany, Austria etc - Tracht, Lederhosen http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracht http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lederhosen.. ooooooooo yesssssss
Czech and Slovakia - Kroje http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kroje - looks like there is a lot of red, so no
England - Morris Dancers' costume and Bowler hat - no way in hell for the former, hell yes for the latter
Croatia -
Chesse Eating Surrender Monkeys - Beret - yep
Balkans and Greece - Fustanella http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fustanella - looks cool, so yes
Netherlands - Clogs - why in hell would Cheapo wear wooden shoes????
Ancient Rome, Greece etc - toga, robes, skirts - yes yes yes
Poland, Belarus, Lithuania, Ukraine - Kontusz http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kontusz - Cheapo picturised himself in that ensemble, and liked it
Scotland - Kilt - do ye even have to ask
finally
McDonalds - hair made of mop, red nose and giant clown shoes - wanna wanna wanna wanna
and oh btw, Cheapo would rather get
hung
drawn
fractionised
decimated
burnt
kebabed and
listen to amateur poetry
than wear that disgusting, obscene, hazardous, morally reprehensible article of clothing which Indians have traditionally worn for hundreds of years and asa result of which they have had their arses kicked by all and sundry - The Dhoti
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Freeeeeeeeeeeedommmmmmmmmmmmm........oh crap
Yep,
that's what Fat Uncle Cheapo shouted this morning when he almost almost almost got his freedom.
Let him explain.
Well, Cheapo has not been well for the last few days. So naturally his concentration levels have gone to hell and breakfast.
Which is a very bad or in his case a very good thing to happen.
Plus after yesterday's catastrophic cataclysmic affairs at office, he was exhausted.
So his timing has gone to hell.
He was coming to office. He was on Baldrick. There was a junction. There was a crossing to be undertaken. There was a bus. And there was a muppety bike reader from the oppsite direction.
Well you can imagine what happened.
Cheapo was stranded in the middle of the road with the bus bearing down on him.
He was happy and smiling and all enthusiastic about the impending crash and started shouting the aforementioned.
But just before salvation arrived, the bastard driver stomped on his break and the bus came to rest about 6 inches from Cheapo's bulk.
Ironic ain't it?
Cheapo can't catch a break in school, college, university, jobs, love life but when it comes to the one thing he wants more than anything else, he had to go and catch the damn break.
that's what Fat Uncle Cheapo shouted this morning when he almost almost almost got his freedom.
Let him explain.
Well, Cheapo has not been well for the last few days. So naturally his concentration levels have gone to hell and breakfast.
Which is a very bad or in his case a very good thing to happen.
Plus after yesterday's catastrophic cataclysmic affairs at office, he was exhausted.
So his timing has gone to hell.
He was coming to office. He was on Baldrick. There was a junction. There was a crossing to be undertaken. There was a bus. And there was a muppety bike reader from the oppsite direction.
Well you can imagine what happened.
Cheapo was stranded in the middle of the road with the bus bearing down on him.
He was happy and smiling and all enthusiastic about the impending crash and started shouting the aforementioned.
But just before salvation arrived, the bastard driver stomped on his break and the bus came to rest about 6 inches from Cheapo's bulk.
Ironic ain't it?
Cheapo can't catch a break in school, college, university, jobs, love life but when it comes to the one thing he wants more than anything else, he had to go and catch the damn break.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
The Count and I
Be honest.
How many amongst you have ever slept with a count.
No not you, Sanchettti, you are disqualified on virtue of being semi-Italian.
So yes, the rest of you lot, have you?
Well I have.
And not just any count.
The hippest, coolest, smartest, most elegant, most debonair, the most handsome count that has ever lived.
Oh yes, that's right I have slept with the Count Brian Christopher Luigi di Jimborghini.
And they have been some of the best naps I have ever had in my life.
There's something calming, something soothing, something ethereal in sharing a bed with someone so goddamn lazy after all.
The only problems arise during the pre-sleep rituals which involve lots and lots of pushing, shoving, grunting and contortions.
After that, its pure bliss.
How many amongst you have ever slept with a count.
No not you, Sanchettti, you are disqualified on virtue of being semi-Italian.
So yes, the rest of you lot, have you?
Well I have.
And not just any count.
The hippest, coolest, smartest, most elegant, most debonair, the most handsome count that has ever lived.
Oh yes, that's right I have slept with the Count Brian Christopher Luigi di Jimborghini.
And they have been some of the best naps I have ever had in my life.
There's something calming, something soothing, something ethereal in sharing a bed with someone so goddamn lazy after all.
The only problems arise during the pre-sleep rituals which involve lots and lots of pushing, shoving, grunting and contortions.
After that, its pure bliss.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Minferno vol 1
So Meister was sitting (all alone as usual) and eating an ice cream, when all of a sudden everything went darker and colder and some wraith like creatures with huge fangs and claws called dementeds (under the employ of the Great Indian Chunkubaaz) attacked the Meister. Meister tried to fight but being fat, stupid and generally useless, he was helpless.
What happened next, completely bewildered the Meister. All of a sudden there was a rumble and out of the earth burst forth a ferocious and terrifying creature. It was huge. It had fangs more than a foot long. It had brown glossy shiny fur all over and huge claws on its legs.
It was none other than the Meister's dear old friend the Brown Bomber.
She barked and attacked and soon destroyed all the dementeds. Then she came back and hugged the Meister. She then started tugging the Meister towards the hole in the ground from where she had burst forth. having nothing better to do, he followed and so they went and entered the ground.
They came up to this gate where it was written -
Abandon all Carbs Ye who Enter
Meister realised that he was dead and entering hell. Well, having been in a private hell for the last 28 years he didnt care and so undaunted, he enetered. Of course Brown was with him and led him.
They came upon a map with a "Thou art Here Dumbass" sign.
Meister saw that the arrow pointed to a road which led to a big door. He went to the door and saw "Level 1" written there. So he pushed open the door and went in.
It was a place of suffering. There were a large number of muppets milling around hopelessly.
It was LIMBO - a place for the uninitiated
Meister recalled that that fella Dante (the Italian delusional poet fella) had met all them pagans like Homer (the blind Greek dude, not Simpson) Horace, Ovid and dear old Julius et all. Amazingly Meister did not see any of them. He went around talking to a few of these poor souls and realised that they are all souls who during their lifetime never played, saw or enjoyed footy despite having the opportunity. Foocking muppets.
However, Meister also saw Arsenal and Liverpool fans there. He was quite surprised.
"What the hell?!!" he said (which was quite ironic since he was in it). He saw a house and decided to go and enquire. He went and knocked on the door. The door was opened by a centaur.
"You are Chiron arent' you?" asked Meister
"Of course fatso, who the hell did you think it would be? Its me job to guard all these bloody souls."
"Oh ok, can you tell me why the damn fools and the arse lovers are here? They like football."
"Well in the case of the fools, it is because of their blind bullheadedness to follow the manures, they got lost along the way and ended up here."
"Hehe, damn fools. And what about the arseholes?"
"Oh, their case is different. They are here because of cruelty to animails."
"What animals?"
"Donkeys of course. For years, they have been riding their moral donkeys and claiming that football is a non-contact sport ala ludo. Also they have been following an alleged peodophile."
"Yeah, the buggers belong here. But what about the manures? Why aren't they here?
"You will continue asking me questions aren't you?"
"Well I have so many! I want to go to all the different circles and see whats going on."
"Bloody hell!! Oh hell, ok lets go, I will take you."
Meister, Brown and Chiron then moved on and entered Level 2.
Meister saw a lot of frustrated men and women running around shouting why?? why??? and nooooooooooo etc etc
Chiron told the Meister that this is the place for all the horny bastards. Those who used to fuck around and cheat on their spouses etc while being alive and those for whom sex was the most important thing.
He told the Meister that as punishment for that, all the men suffer from every demonically conceivable erectile dysfunction and all the women are always kept sexually stimulated and within 10 seconds of orgasm with a varied assortment of dildos and vibrators always 6 inches beyond their grasp.
Meister could not recognise anyone here except Bespactacled Luj Charactered Professor, Tiger Woods, Woody Allen and Ashley Cole. Chiron did point out Paris, Helen, Casanova, Don Juan and Cleopetra. Chiron also told the Meister that Silvio Berlusconi was supposed to be there but apparently he was so awesome that The Spaghetti Monster wanted to meet him and thus had beamed him up.
And then he saw it. He was astonished and extremely glad - it was the spirit of Ayushman of the Bossturds.
Chiron saw his happy smile and said, "Wait there's more to come"
They moved on and came upon level 3.
Chiron told Meister that this is the place for all them gluttons, those fellas who always wanted more, by hook or by crook. And guess who was inside?
All the politicians in the world, the old kings and emperors and Meister's old boss Mithyavardhan and Ayushman of the Bossturds.
Meister was totally flabbergasted. "But I just saw him in the last level!!"
"Yes you did, he is there in that level and this level too. You see he had lust as well as greed and he always wanted more from everybody."
"But how to do you divide the spirit?"
"Well earlier we couldn't, but for him, we specially ordered a soul-splitter from Hephaestus."
He learnt that all the souls in level 3 have been forever doomed and cursed in such a way that they will spend their time watching all the wealth they coveted burning to dust and ashes.
And then he saw Sundari, with a headphone clamped over her. The baroness also saw her and started barking, upon which Sundari clamped hands on hereyes and started whining and moaning.
"Hey, that's Sundari!! What's she doing here? I thought this was a place only for humans and Ayushman of the Bossturd."
"Well, she is one of the hellhounds. You know under Cerberus and the Baroness here."
"You mean Baroness is the canine ruler here?"
"Yep, she is Cerberus's queen. And Sundari over there is just a low level employee, that's why she is so scared of the baroness here."
"Way to go Brown!! But what's with the headphones?"
"Well she wa a legendary glutton when she was alive, so once every week, she has to spend the whole day without food and with the headphones clamped on her. Its not music, its the continuous sound of thunderstorms."
"Ah ok, she wonce stole food from me fridge. So hmm I think its fair enough."
"Lets go to the next level"
In the next level - level 4, they saw unspeakable horrors and tortures being committed by demons of every shape and size. Apparently it is a place for all those who have perpetrated some heinous action on others. It is a place reserved for rapists and murderers and poedophiles and amateur talentless poets.
And yes he was there as well...chained to a rock with a whole plague of rats eating his bollocks and kidneys and liver. Apparently Satan has stolen the idea from the whole Zeus Prometheus thing.
What happened next, completely bewildered the Meister. All of a sudden there was a rumble and out of the earth burst forth a ferocious and terrifying creature. It was huge. It had fangs more than a foot long. It had brown glossy shiny fur all over and huge claws on its legs.
It was none other than the Meister's dear old friend the Brown Bomber.
She barked and attacked and soon destroyed all the dementeds. Then she came back and hugged the Meister. She then started tugging the Meister towards the hole in the ground from where she had burst forth. having nothing better to do, he followed and so they went and entered the ground.
They came up to this gate where it was written -
Abandon all Carbs Ye who Enter
Meister realised that he was dead and entering hell. Well, having been in a private hell for the last 28 years he didnt care and so undaunted, he enetered. Of course Brown was with him and led him.
They came upon a map with a "Thou art Here Dumbass" sign.
Meister saw that the arrow pointed to a road which led to a big door. He went to the door and saw "Level 1" written there. So he pushed open the door and went in.
It was a place of suffering. There were a large number of muppets milling around hopelessly.
It was LIMBO - a place for the uninitiated
Meister recalled that that fella Dante (the Italian delusional poet fella) had met all them pagans like Homer (the blind Greek dude, not Simpson) Horace, Ovid and dear old Julius et all. Amazingly Meister did not see any of them. He went around talking to a few of these poor souls and realised that they are all souls who during their lifetime never played, saw or enjoyed footy despite having the opportunity. Foocking muppets.
However, Meister also saw Arsenal and Liverpool fans there. He was quite surprised.
"What the hell?!!" he said (which was quite ironic since he was in it). He saw a house and decided to go and enquire. He went and knocked on the door. The door was opened by a centaur.
"You are Chiron arent' you?" asked Meister
"Of course fatso, who the hell did you think it would be? Its me job to guard all these bloody souls."
"Oh ok, can you tell me why the damn fools and the arse lovers are here? They like football."
"Well in the case of the fools, it is because of their blind bullheadedness to follow the manures, they got lost along the way and ended up here."
"Hehe, damn fools. And what about the arseholes?"
"Oh, their case is different. They are here because of cruelty to animails."
"What animals?"
"Donkeys of course. For years, they have been riding their moral donkeys and claiming that football is a non-contact sport ala ludo. Also they have been following an alleged peodophile."
"Yeah, the buggers belong here. But what about the manures? Why aren't they here?
"You will continue asking me questions aren't you?"
"Well I have so many! I want to go to all the different circles and see whats going on."
"Bloody hell!! Oh hell, ok lets go, I will take you."
Meister, Brown and Chiron then moved on and entered Level 2.
Meister saw a lot of frustrated men and women running around shouting why?? why??? and nooooooooooo etc etc
Chiron told the Meister that this is the place for all the horny bastards. Those who used to fuck around and cheat on their spouses etc while being alive and those for whom sex was the most important thing.
He told the Meister that as punishment for that, all the men suffer from every demonically conceivable erectile dysfunction and all the women are always kept sexually stimulated and within 10 seconds of orgasm with a varied assortment of dildos and vibrators always 6 inches beyond their grasp.
Meister could not recognise anyone here except Bespactacled Luj Charactered Professor, Tiger Woods, Woody Allen and Ashley Cole. Chiron did point out Paris, Helen, Casanova, Don Juan and Cleopetra. Chiron also told the Meister that Silvio Berlusconi was supposed to be there but apparently he was so awesome that The Spaghetti Monster wanted to meet him and thus had beamed him up.
And then he saw it. He was astonished and extremely glad - it was the spirit of Ayushman of the Bossturds.
Chiron saw his happy smile and said, "Wait there's more to come"
They moved on and came upon level 3.
Chiron told Meister that this is the place for all them gluttons, those fellas who always wanted more, by hook or by crook. And guess who was inside?
All the politicians in the world, the old kings and emperors and Meister's old boss Mithyavardhan and Ayushman of the Bossturds.
Meister was totally flabbergasted. "But I just saw him in the last level!!"
"Yes you did, he is there in that level and this level too. You see he had lust as well as greed and he always wanted more from everybody."
"But how to do you divide the spirit?"
"Well earlier we couldn't, but for him, we specially ordered a soul-splitter from Hephaestus."
He learnt that all the souls in level 3 have been forever doomed and cursed in such a way that they will spend their time watching all the wealth they coveted burning to dust and ashes.
And then he saw Sundari, with a headphone clamped over her. The baroness also saw her and started barking, upon which Sundari clamped hands on hereyes and started whining and moaning.
"Hey, that's Sundari!! What's she doing here? I thought this was a place only for humans and Ayushman of the Bossturd."
"Well, she is one of the hellhounds. You know under Cerberus and the Baroness here."
"You mean Baroness is the canine ruler here?"
"Yep, she is Cerberus's queen. And Sundari over there is just a low level employee, that's why she is so scared of the baroness here."
"Way to go Brown!! But what's with the headphones?"
"Well she wa a legendary glutton when she was alive, so once every week, she has to spend the whole day without food and with the headphones clamped on her. Its not music, its the continuous sound of thunderstorms."
"Ah ok, she wonce stole food from me fridge. So hmm I think its fair enough."
"Lets go to the next level"
In the next level - level 4, they saw unspeakable horrors and tortures being committed by demons of every shape and size. Apparently it is a place for all those who have perpetrated some heinous action on others. It is a place reserved for rapists and murderers and poedophiles and amateur talentless poets.
And yes he was there as well...chained to a rock with a whole plague of rats eating his bollocks and kidneys and liver. Apparently Satan has stolen the idea from the whole Zeus Prometheus thing.
They are Coming, They are Coming, They are Comingggggggggg
And then there were the goats. With their soul destroying stares and their stone cold facial expressions that can freeze a man's bollocks, they kept looking and plotting.
Oh yes, they are plotting.
They are just biding their time. They know that the Age of Man is coming to the end. The 5th Horseman of the Apocalyspe - Uselessness has arrived on the planet (in the guise of Ayushman of the Bossturds).
After 10000 years of us eating their fathers, grandfathers, great grandfathers, great great grandfathers, great great great grandfathers, great great great great great grandfathers................... they are fed up and they wanna rebel.
You can see that the wheels are in motion. Intense cogitaion and discussions are taking place behind the scenes. Its only a matter of time before they decide..
"Fork it, we will become carnivorous"
And they have already marked their first victim. OOo yes just the way in which their ogle Fat Uncle Cheapo, u know they are planning to eat him alive....well they would be alive, Cheapo would be dead.
But wait, let me start from the beginning.
Yesterday, once office got over, with joy de vivre in his heart ...courtesy no work and the lates Pratchett e-book, and a couple of rolls in Baldrick's stomach, Cheapo started his homeward voyage.
Upon seeing the level crossing open, he decided to take that instead of using the flyover. He had used it twice before and so he knew that he knew the way.
So naturally, he got lost.
But, but, but having an awesome in-built compass which can figure out direction with the snap of a fingure, he wasn't worried. He just had to look up and look at the sun. So he looked up and realised that
the sun had already set.
Nae problemo. He could see the flyover in the horizon and rode towards it shouting "tallu ho".
Well as it turned out, when you are on the Flying Machine i.e. Baldrick its not a good idea to shout such things - you only get increduluous stares in return from the assembled inttelligentsia for the next few minutes while His Lazyness ambles along
Anyway so they came below the flyover, so that their is only 1 way an took it
and soon came in junctions.
So, the next course of action involved asking random passer or standing byes direction to Imax.
After getting directions that would have confused King Minos himself and them nawabs who built that damn maze in Lucknow, they setforth.
And the roads became smaller and smaller and smaller till
They were travelling through someone's balcony and someone's verandah and just beside someone's drawing room etc. etc.
And there were the never ending junctions and blind lanes and blind bylanes and blind alleys and blind galis.
Their progress was eagerly examined by assorted kids, bored women, jobless youth, a few duty shirking policemen, a plethora of chicken, a number of dogs...all of whom lined up at the roads, leaned out from their windows and doors, stared up from their dungeons etc...waiting for action (much liked those numpties who wait all day to look at cyclicts breezing past in a matter of seconds in the Tour de France).
And then there were the goats.
Oh yes, they are plotting.
They are just biding their time. They know that the Age of Man is coming to the end. The 5th Horseman of the Apocalyspe - Uselessness has arrived on the planet (in the guise of Ayushman of the Bossturds).
After 10000 years of us eating their fathers, grandfathers, great grandfathers, great great grandfathers, great great great grandfathers, great great great great great grandfathers................... they are fed up and they wanna rebel.
You can see that the wheels are in motion. Intense cogitaion and discussions are taking place behind the scenes. Its only a matter of time before they decide..
"Fork it, we will become carnivorous"
And they have already marked their first victim. OOo yes just the way in which their ogle Fat Uncle Cheapo, u know they are planning to eat him alive....well they would be alive, Cheapo would be dead.
But wait, let me start from the beginning.
Yesterday, once office got over, with joy de vivre in his heart ...courtesy no work and the lates Pratchett e-book, and a couple of rolls in Baldrick's stomach, Cheapo started his homeward voyage.
Upon seeing the level crossing open, he decided to take that instead of using the flyover. He had used it twice before and so he knew that he knew the way.
So naturally, he got lost.
But, but, but having an awesome in-built compass which can figure out direction with the snap of a fingure, he wasn't worried. He just had to look up and look at the sun. So he looked up and realised that
the sun had already set.
Nae problemo. He could see the flyover in the horizon and rode towards it shouting "tallu ho".
Well as it turned out, when you are on the Flying Machine i.e. Baldrick its not a good idea to shout such things - you only get increduluous stares in return from the assembled inttelligentsia for the next few minutes while His Lazyness ambles along
Anyway so they came below the flyover, so that their is only 1 way an took it
and soon came in junctions.
So, the next course of action involved asking random passer or standing byes direction to Imax.
After getting directions that would have confused King Minos himself and them nawabs who built that damn maze in Lucknow, they setforth.
And the roads became smaller and smaller and smaller till
They were travelling through someone's balcony and someone's verandah and just beside someone's drawing room etc. etc.
And there were the never ending junctions and blind lanes and blind bylanes and blind alleys and blind galis.
Their progress was eagerly examined by assorted kids, bored women, jobless youth, a few duty shirking policemen, a plethora of chicken, a number of dogs...all of whom lined up at the roads, leaned out from their windows and doors, stared up from their dungeons etc...waiting for action (much liked those numpties who wait all day to look at cyclicts breezing past in a matter of seconds in the Tour de France).
And then there were the goats.
An Immovable Object
What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?
Well it has been bugging people since the dawn of time....or well....at least since the time of them robe wearing, beard keeeping, boy loving, hemlock drinking, "eureka" shouting bunch of numpties took one look at the six pack abs of the Spartans and decided there and then that physical labour or an honest day's work is beyond them and so they would spend the rest of their times thinking and chatting.
It is a question akin to them eternal mysteries -
If a rhinoceros farts in the jungle and if there is no one around to hear it, does the fart still make a sound?
What is the purpose behind houseflies and Ayushman of the Bossturds? What are they good for?
Anyway to come back to the point.......
Fat Uncle Cheapo recently had a chance of answering the question once and for all.
He was riding Baldrick. A car was hurtling towards them from the back. It started honking like a clown high on LSD.
But Baldrick refused to budge. He has a fixed policy here. Unless ye r an ambulance, fire brigade, police car or waving a red rag signifying emergency, if you honk incessently, ye will not be given right of way.
Honk once (or max twice) and ye shall pass.
Honk more and get stuck behind.
Anyway after 5 mins of such action, once a much wider road has been reached, the car swerved and overtook, and came side by side and the window was rolled down and the driver and his squeeze both looked at Cheapo intent to give him a piece of their mind.......
and took one look at his frown, rolledup the window and fled away with nary a sound.
So it has been proved that an immovable object in the avaaatar of Baldrick will always win.
Well it has been bugging people since the dawn of time....or well....at least since the time of them robe wearing, beard keeeping, boy loving, hemlock drinking, "eureka" shouting bunch of numpties took one look at the six pack abs of the Spartans and decided there and then that physical labour or an honest day's work is beyond them and so they would spend the rest of their times thinking and chatting.
It is a question akin to them eternal mysteries -
If a rhinoceros farts in the jungle and if there is no one around to hear it, does the fart still make a sound?
What is the purpose behind houseflies and Ayushman of the Bossturds? What are they good for?
Anyway to come back to the point.......
Fat Uncle Cheapo recently had a chance of answering the question once and for all.
He was riding Baldrick. A car was hurtling towards them from the back. It started honking like a clown high on LSD.
But Baldrick refused to budge. He has a fixed policy here. Unless ye r an ambulance, fire brigade, police car or waving a red rag signifying emergency, if you honk incessently, ye will not be given right of way.
Honk once (or max twice) and ye shall pass.
Honk more and get stuck behind.
Anyway after 5 mins of such action, once a much wider road has been reached, the car swerved and overtook, and came side by side and the window was rolled down and the driver and his squeeze both looked at Cheapo intent to give him a piece of their mind.......
and took one look at his frown, rolledup the window and fled away with nary a sound.
So it has been proved that an immovable object in the avaaatar of Baldrick will always win.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
How to deal with those stupid cunts at Twilight
Vampires
the very mention should send shivers through yer spines....one of the toughest bunch of killers in the history of the planet (Otto Chriek excluded), almost undestructible. They are faster, stronger and they can fly.
Count Dracula, Nosferatu, Lestat, Rasputin, Blade, Rayne, Selene, Darla and Druscilla, Angelus and the greatest of them all Spike.
And then there are those stupid cunts from Twilight.....the namby famby fucking cullens, the biggest disgrace to their species since ...well...Fat Uncle Cheapo.
So, Cheapo started thinking and he came up with a few solutions
1. Send the cullens to Sunnydale
not only will they meet Buffy...and wooo it would be fun, they might also get to meet (if they are lucky) the greatest one of em all - Spike
2. Get Blade to come wherever those nancies are staying
3. Strip them naked and dump them in the Sahara
4. Politely invite Granny Weatherwax to come to their town
5. Resurrect Voldemort, that bastard avra kedavrad pattinson once, he can do it again
the very mention should send shivers through yer spines....one of the toughest bunch of killers in the history of the planet (Otto Chriek excluded), almost undestructible. They are faster, stronger and they can fly.
Count Dracula, Nosferatu, Lestat, Rasputin, Blade, Rayne, Selene, Darla and Druscilla, Angelus and the greatest of them all Spike.
And then there are those stupid cunts from Twilight.....the namby famby fucking cullens, the biggest disgrace to their species since ...well...Fat Uncle Cheapo.
So, Cheapo started thinking and he came up with a few solutions
1. Send the cullens to Sunnydale
not only will they meet Buffy...and wooo it would be fun, they might also get to meet (if they are lucky) the greatest one of em all - Spike
2. Get Blade to come wherever those nancies are staying
3. Strip them naked and dump them in the Sahara
4. Politely invite Granny Weatherwax to come to their town
5. Resurrect Voldemort, that bastard avra kedavrad pattinson once, he can do it again
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I should have been an author or a movie script-writer
Well last night La Donatella entered into a discussion with the Hippo about some film (made from money sponsored by some tissue paper manufacturing company) where after much hardships and misery, the protagonist goes and jumps into a well. (yep, why anyone would watch such a depressing piece is beyond Cheapo as well)
Now being a member of the ethnic minority where Cuthbert Calculus is the honorary president, Cheapo heard that the protagonist had gone and jumped into a whale......a fact that would have automatically ensured that the movie would have been a superhit as well as very much enjoyable.
When Cheapo enquired about it, the bourgeois called him a palestinian for some reason and ordered him to bugger off. He later got a letter of complaint about his behaviour as well.
Despite all that Cheapo started thinking (never a good idea) about other depressing disasterpieces which would have been much much better with alternate endings.
Lets take some example where alternate endings etc would have made the depressing stuff much much more joyous.
That damn Titanic is sinking, that idiot leo is freezing to death, that nutter orchestra is still playing the crap music with water upto their knees.......when out of nowehere
Superman comes!!!! He raises the Titanic, saves all the people (except Leo, because he is a cunt) and flies away.....with tat nutter orchestra still playing on (only this time they are playing "when the Saints go marching in, when the saints go marching in....."
Lets look at another example
Moses, just after smoking the joint, hears god's orders and makes those 2 tablets with those ten commandments, when all of a sudden Hulk jumps in out of nowehere and then jumps out again......followed by the USA USA USA helicopters. Moses gets scared and drops one of the tablets (the one containing cobveting thy neighbour's ass)......and human history (or in Moses's perspective, human future) changes.
Later in the same film, when the Hebrews are totally lost i nthe middle of the desert, the USA USA USA marines appear and with the help of sat nav, guide them to the promised land.......and also drop a couple of bombs on them philistines in the process. (They also equipped David with a sawed off- shotfun to fight Goliath but lets not get into that)
Lets look at another example
Juliet is dead, or at least thats what that super silly ass Romeo thinks has happened...he is making his tearful speech and preparing to kill himself....when in walks Dr. House and bangs Romeo's head with the walking stick and tell him to bugger off you idiot....and then goes and gives Juliet an injection to wake her up.
Lets look at another example
Hillary Swank is all confused about whether she is a boy or girl or whatever but one day while walking through a street, a football rolls her way and without thinking she pciks it up and does some tricks with it. An agent sees her and offers a trial. During the medical text, they realise that she is a girl and so instead of the boy's team they put her in the girl's team and she becomes very rich and very famous.....and being lesbian is in heaven during post match showers etc...
Lets look at another example
Meg Ryan is bicycling with her hands off the handle and her eyes closed and that truck is coming towards her and its about to impact......when Hancock comes and stops the truck...they fall in love and live happily ever after.......Nicolas cage commits suicide
Lets look at another example
Its Requiem for a Dream and within 5 minutes of the beginning, a nuclear bomb drops on those addicts and turn all of them into zombies.
Now being a member of the ethnic minority where Cuthbert Calculus is the honorary president, Cheapo heard that the protagonist had gone and jumped into a whale......a fact that would have automatically ensured that the movie would have been a superhit as well as very much enjoyable.
When Cheapo enquired about it, the bourgeois called him a palestinian for some reason and ordered him to bugger off. He later got a letter of complaint about his behaviour as well.
Despite all that Cheapo started thinking (never a good idea) about other depressing disasterpieces which would have been much much better with alternate endings.
Lets take some example where alternate endings etc would have made the depressing stuff much much more joyous.
That damn Titanic is sinking, that idiot leo is freezing to death, that nutter orchestra is still playing the crap music with water upto their knees.......when out of nowehere
Superman comes!!!! He raises the Titanic, saves all the people (except Leo, because he is a cunt) and flies away.....with tat nutter orchestra still playing on (only this time they are playing "when the Saints go marching in, when the saints go marching in....."
Lets look at another example
Moses, just after smoking the joint, hears god's orders and makes those 2 tablets with those ten commandments, when all of a sudden Hulk jumps in out of nowehere and then jumps out again......followed by the USA USA USA helicopters. Moses gets scared and drops one of the tablets (the one containing cobveting thy neighbour's ass)......and human history (or in Moses's perspective, human future) changes.
Later in the same film, when the Hebrews are totally lost i nthe middle of the desert, the USA USA USA marines appear and with the help of sat nav, guide them to the promised land.......and also drop a couple of bombs on them philistines in the process. (They also equipped David with a sawed off- shotfun to fight Goliath but lets not get into that)
Lets look at another example
Juliet is dead, or at least thats what that super silly ass Romeo thinks has happened...he is making his tearful speech and preparing to kill himself....when in walks Dr. House and bangs Romeo's head with the walking stick and tell him to bugger off you idiot....and then goes and gives Juliet an injection to wake her up.
Lets look at another example
Hillary Swank is all confused about whether she is a boy or girl or whatever but one day while walking through a street, a football rolls her way and without thinking she pciks it up and does some tricks with it. An agent sees her and offers a trial. During the medical text, they realise that she is a girl and so instead of the boy's team they put her in the girl's team and she becomes very rich and very famous.....and being lesbian is in heaven during post match showers etc...
Lets look at another example
Meg Ryan is bicycling with her hands off the handle and her eyes closed and that truck is coming towards her and its about to impact......when Hancock comes and stops the truck...they fall in love and live happily ever after.......Nicolas cage commits suicide
Lets look at another example
Its Requiem for a Dream and within 5 minutes of the beginning, a nuclear bomb drops on those addicts and turn all of them into zombies.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Is it a Bird? Is it a Plane? Is it a Flying Cow?
Well, Cheapo had a similar situation recently.
It was in his new office. He was in a corner sobbing his conked out heart out and trying to put his head between his legs and failing miserable because of his paunch....when the office amma approached with a cup of beverage.
She queried, "Sir, tea"
Since, Cheapo never turns down free stuff, "Why thank you"
And then he took a sip...and then he took few more sips
And had the aforementioned moment
You see, he couldn't.....and still hasn't been able to.....figure out what the hell it was
Was it tea?
Was it coffee?
Was it Bournvita?
Was it Complan?
Was it hot cocoa?
or was it some weird chemical concoction with traces of arsenic in it??
the mystery abides
It was in his new office. He was in a corner sobbing his conked out heart out and trying to put his head between his legs and failing miserable because of his paunch....when the office amma approached with a cup of beverage.
She queried, "Sir, tea"
Since, Cheapo never turns down free stuff, "Why thank you"
And then he took a sip...and then he took few more sips
And had the aforementioned moment
You see, he couldn't.....and still hasn't been able to.....figure out what the hell it was
Was it tea?
Was it coffee?
Was it Bournvita?
Was it Complan?
Was it hot cocoa?
or was it some weird chemical concoction with traces of arsenic in it??
the mystery abides
Its all about Pants
Now, this is one subject Cheapo is an expert of.
Cheapo's pants keep falling off. It doesn't matter whether he is wearing a bermuda, shorts, trousers or jeans - they all fall down. Its like the last line of that obscene children's nursery rhyme ringa ringa roses
Recently Cheapo went to buy some underwear. Now since he has a big ass ass, he had a helluva lot of difficulty in finding his size - in fact in the whole bloody mall, there were only 2 his size. But hey, thats nothing new. what is new is a new style of underwear. They are called low back or low cut or something. Now imagine if Cheapo wears it, his pants fall down and instead of underwear, you can see the Meisterbutt!!!!
Its disgusting, obscene, hideous, reprehensible!!!! And it is against the Geneva Convention.
So that brings up the question what kind of sick, twisted, frustrated, depraved, degenerate sad excuse of a man would go around flouting his ass!!
Pull up yer pants man, no one wants to see yer ass.
Now that brings us to the topic of women. Everyone wants to see their ass....and they duly oblige.
For some reason, women have taken to wearing low waist or low cut jeans with similar type of panties.....result - whenever they bend down or lean forward or sit on a bike, its wuhooo time for the men
Now Cheapo thinks that there are 3 types of women
Type 1 - the exhibitionists.....and they should all be given the Noble Prize for services to humanity
Type 2 - the accidental flasher who doesn't give a damn...and since they don't give a damn, its cool
which brings us to
Type 3 - the accidental flasher who gets mortified
and this includes the lot who goes around wrapping their face in voluminous pieces of cloth.... much like a mummy in fact
irony is that though the face is covered except two narrow slits for eyes, the ass is out
So this is the Cheapo suggestion for that lot
a. buy a belt
b. if that doesn't work, buy jeans which aren't low waist, low cut whatever
c. if neither works or is against fashion or whatever, buy and wear panties which do not slid down
or
d. if you do nothing, prepare yourself to one day see the Meisterface grinning like a cat which has just received a dozen canaries.
Cheapo's pants keep falling off. It doesn't matter whether he is wearing a bermuda, shorts, trousers or jeans - they all fall down. Its like the last line of that obscene children's nursery rhyme ringa ringa roses
Recently Cheapo went to buy some underwear. Now since he has a big ass ass, he had a helluva lot of difficulty in finding his size - in fact in the whole bloody mall, there were only 2 his size. But hey, thats nothing new. what is new is a new style of underwear. They are called low back or low cut or something. Now imagine if Cheapo wears it, his pants fall down and instead of underwear, you can see the Meisterbutt!!!!
Its disgusting, obscene, hideous, reprehensible!!!! And it is against the Geneva Convention.
So that brings up the question what kind of sick, twisted, frustrated, depraved, degenerate sad excuse of a man would go around flouting his ass!!
Pull up yer pants man, no one wants to see yer ass.
Now that brings us to the topic of women. Everyone wants to see their ass....and they duly oblige.
For some reason, women have taken to wearing low waist or low cut jeans with similar type of panties.....result - whenever they bend down or lean forward or sit on a bike, its wuhooo time for the men
Now Cheapo thinks that there are 3 types of women
Type 1 - the exhibitionists.....and they should all be given the Noble Prize for services to humanity
Type 2 - the accidental flasher who doesn't give a damn...and since they don't give a damn, its cool
which brings us to
Type 3 - the accidental flasher who gets mortified
and this includes the lot who goes around wrapping their face in voluminous pieces of cloth.... much like a mummy in fact
irony is that though the face is covered except two narrow slits for eyes, the ass is out
So this is the Cheapo suggestion for that lot
a. buy a belt
b. if that doesn't work, buy jeans which aren't low waist, low cut whatever
c. if neither works or is against fashion or whatever, buy and wear panties which do not slid down
or
d. if you do nothing, prepare yourself to one day see the Meisterface grinning like a cat which has just received a dozen canaries.
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