WIKILEAKS EXPOSE

In Saudi Arabia, there was a very rich man who had lots of wives. The 10th one of these gave birth to a baby boy.

They named the wee lad Osama.

When he was little, he was a normal boy, interested in girls, cartoons, football.


But as he started growing up, he started obsessing about religion and philosophy. He gave up his studies and employed all his time in the study of Islamic philosophies. He soon became very attracted towards the thoroughly brainless and ultimately self-destructing idealism of Sayyid Qutb called Qutbism (a precusror of things to come one might say).


Having been thoroughly brainwashed, he decided on Jihad and went to the land of the Fucking Idiots - Pakistan.


It was while in Pakistan that he first started watching English football. And being a lover of guns and guerrillas, he decided to support Arsenal. Why you ask?

Well because he thought that Arsenal had guerrillas in its ranks. It was much later that he realised that there were no guerrillas, just 4 gorillas by the name of Adams, Keown, Dixon and Winterburn.


Osama never did anything by half. Having decided to support Arsenal, he decided to support them wholeheartedly. He started hating all Americans, Heretics, Jews and Tottenham fans. He kept on donating huge chunks of money for jihad and for Arsenal to build their new stadium/mausoleum.


But he lost it, he totally lost it at the beginning of the millennium when Arsenal won diddly squat for the 3rd year running despite having a team of Keown, Adams, Seaman, Viera, Bergkamp, Wiltord, Henry, Ljunberg, Pires and Ashley Cole. What broke the camel's back, so to speak, was Wenger's decision to shore up the team with such luminaries as Igor Stepanovs, Gilles Grimandi, Oleg Luzhni et all.....more or less at the same time that Chelsea bought Frank Lampard.


He became convinced that Arsene Wenger is a fucking idiot and that it was an American-Zionist conspiracy to convert his club to a laughing stock.


All the while shouting "Allahu Akbar" and "Death to America! Death to Israel!! Death to Tottenham!!!", he forced his followers to perpetrate attacks on Americans, Jews and Tottenham fans all over the world.


He survived the American invasion, the worldwide hunt, even Tottenham's ascension to the Champions League.

But rumours abound that he committed suicide the day he got news that Wenger had signed Silvestre to solve all of Arsenal's defensive problems.

Filmy Stuff of the Year

Its end of the year and every Tom, Dick and fucking idiot everywhere is going around making lists. Cheapo being one of those highly conscientious journalists and critics, he decided to make a list also. About movies no less. Well movies that he saw this years.

And well you will see lots of animation and action movies/thrillers. Cheapo did not watch a lot of artsy fartsy la-di-dah movies this year. Blame Uber for that. She has taken the fun out of making fun of the la-di-dahs.


So here goes.


Best Film - Kick Ass and Inception



Best Director - Christopher Nolan for Inception



Best Supporting Actor - Khalid Abdallah (Freddy) in Green Zone [I thought he was Arabic, turns out he was born and brought up in Glasgow...live and learn eh]

and

Zack Galifanikis in Due Date ( the lad's getting typecast but boy what a type)


Best Chemistry -

Jospeh Gordon Levitt and Tom Hardy in Inception


Best Dialogue Ever -

"How do you know my name?" - Donkey in Shrek


Best Villain -

Mark Strong (Robin Hood and Kick Ass)
Rumpelstiltskin (Shrek)
Mickey Rourke (Iron Man 2) 
Ralph Fiennes (Clash of the Titans and Potter)
Kitty Galore (Cats and Dogs)
Alfred Molina (The Sorcerer's Apprentice)

Best Actress - Chloe Grace Moretz (Hit Girl) in Kick Ass




Best Actor - dammit can't think of any stand out performances so have to go with Leo


 
Best FX - Inception


Lamest Fx - Medusa and Kracken in Clash of the Titans

lamer than Arsene Wenger's excuses; never thought that would be possible but live and learn eh


Best Cinematography - Shutter Island



with a completely predictable story-line, cinematography is the best USP for the film



Best Kiddy Film - The Sorcerer's Apprentice

geeky kid - check

Nicolas Cage - check

Alfred Molina - check

good story - check

lots of magic - check

Monica Belluci (for the fathers, elder brothers etc of kids) - check


Best non-Sci Fi Thriller - Green Zone


Best Comedy - Due Date

Utterly brainless, utterly funny


Best Action - The A Team

Plane blows off another plane; tank with parachute drops from blown-off plane; blows off 1st plane; then flies through air using missiles


Best Animation Films

Despicable Me

Shrek Forever After

How to Train your Dragon

Toy Story 3


Lamest Ending - Prince of Persia

pissed me off the most; great beginning and they couldn't think of anything else


Best Ending - Green Zone

a. after a frantic and awesome chase, Freddi comes out of nowhere and shoots the General and delivers the line "It is not for you to decide what happens here"

b. the mail that Miller sends cc to the media of the world



Surprisingly Good - Percy Jackson

changed a lot from the book but was quite pleasant and enjoyable in the end



Surprisingly Bad - Robin Hood


prime contender for worst movie of the year; awesome cast, good director; cracking background materials to work with and they came up with this???? what a waste




Predictions for 2011


Best Film - POTC on Stranger Tides


Best Actor - see above

Sexiest pirate ever in human history - Penelope Cruz


Best Animated Film - Kaboom of Doom


Highest Grosser - Potter 8 (easiest prediction in human history)

Evolution of the Wellbeloved

Creationist Version (as written in the Book of Clackalackadackdack)


On day 1, that highly Confused Fella, who can't decide whether he is the father or the son or whether he is a fucking ghost decided, having been bored silly, decided to create light and ergo days and nights etc etc.

Then he started thinking what to do with all that. Being a bit of a lazy bum, on the 2nd day, he only created skies.

On the 3rd day, havin been scolded by his wife Mrs Fella for being lazy, he created oceans and earth and plants et all.

On the 4th day, he created the sun, the moon, the stars etc.

On the 5th and 6th days, he started creating all manners of creatures, those who could fly, those who could swim, those who had bollocks and even a creature who couldn't do anything and had no bollocks - this last entity he named Wellbeloved.

On the 7th day, he created football. he created 3 teams. One represented Goodness - it was named Chelsea. One represented Evil - it was named Mancheste fucking United. The 3rd team represented children and the need for the children to be regularly spanked by the bigger boys. This team he called Arsenal.


But this post ain't about football - it's about the Wellbeloveds.


By the end of the 6th day, Adam and Eve had already started fucking like there's no tomorrow......well to be fair to them, at that particular point of time, there was no tomorrow.


Anyway, the Wellbeloved peeped on the two doing their stuff - thereby becoming the first voyeur (a tradition which its descendants have been carrying on; only the other day, the current Wellbeloved contracted poison ivy on his penis after wanking while peeping into a boys' kindergarten class) and became sad.


He petitioned the Confused Fella. He claimed that he is lonely and he needs to have sex.


The Confused Fella pointed out that Wellbeloved has no bollocks. Wellbeloved countered by saying "But you are the Mighty Confused, I don't want bollcoks, I just want to ensure the continuance of my species."

The Confused One started thinking. He kept on thinking and thinking and thinking and finally came up with a solution...


He told Wellbeloved. "Thou shalt never have bollocks of any kind, thou and thy descendants shalt be despised and made fun of for all eternity. But since thee wanteth new generations, I will ensure that in every generation there will be born amongst mankind some Fucking Idiots who will become insanely fond of the Wellbeloveds. Thee and thy descendants will have sex with these fucking idiots. And though thee and thy descendants will never have bollocks, by a feat of Confused Miracle, the fruit of the union will result in progenies. These creatures will be Half-Man and Half-Beloved and ergo shall be called Manbeloveds."


The Confused Fella being mightily confused never thought about the consequences of his proclamations. True the Wellbeloveds got their fucking idiots and multiplied but they also remained forever Manbeloveds or in other words gay.


The current Wellbeloved, a very religious and traditional entity, follows the Confused Fella literally. Ergo, not only is he gay, but following the confusion in his god, he does not know whether to love the father or the son and have ended up with incestuous sexual feelings towards all male babies.

The Things Cheapo has to Do

Everyone knows that Cheapo is a helpful guy (whenever he can be arsed enough to get out of bed that is). But recently his habit of helping the populace has reached epic, not to mention embarrassing proportions.


You see, Cheapo's friend The Wellbeloved Family Doormat Awfully Wee Crybaby had been suffering from mental as well as physical constipation for a long time.


Symptoms - "Wellbeloved is my god; I belong to Wellbeloved; His crap is my essence; His pee is my nectar; His fart my perfume; All hail Wellbeloved etc etc" and acute stomach pain.


Ergo hospital ahoy.


And following the laws of the excellent Mr. Murphy, the hospital just had to be miles (kilometres for the up-to-date readership) from both Cheapo's home and office.


And of course following the laws of that fella Sod, the hospital authorities had to christen her Mrs. Crybaby.....thereby confusing the hell out of a hospital full of doctors, nurses, cleaning stuff etc regarding just who the hell Cheapo is -father? brother? grandfather? benevolent uncle? sugar daddy? etc etc (because Crybaby looks like she is 14, while conservative estimates suggest that Cheapo looks at least early 40s)


And then there were tests.....the lucky so and so got to ride wheelchairs and stretchers et all while Cheapo was stuck with and had to trudge along with what seemed like about half a dozen different pieces of luggage....why women carry so much stuff is one of those mysteries that will probably never be solved.


Anyway the tests confirmed what Cheapo suspected all along - that Crybaby is a fucking idiot and that she was suffering appendicitis (despite Uber's protestations and convictions to the contrary).


Well, she got a room - with a tv with no sports channels and a fan which kept going away from Cheapo's couch. And she got her operation. And she is fine now.


So far so good yeah?


Anyway as she was in hospital, she had to have a companion right? Shifts were made, lots were drawn and Cheapo got the morning slot 6Am-12Pm (Cheapo had to go to work after that every day - the less said about that the better).


What does it mean?


It means that Cheapo had to wake up at 4.30 Am everyday and walk for miles (or kms if ye prefer) to get autos.


[In fact Cheapo walked more in the last 3 or 4 days than he had done in the whole of last year.]


And of course it rained.


Uber having scared the bejeejus off the security guards, at least there weren't any access problems. Rumours also abound that due to the fear of Uber, at certain points of time there were as many as 4 or 5 people in Crybaby's room, while all other rooms had only 2 - 1 patient, 1 attendant.


Anyway, to come to the worst part.


The day of discharge arrived.


Crybaby started crying that she doesn't have a thing to wear and thus devised a plan of action so inexplicable and ill-conceived, it would have made Captain Scott's polar expeditions a byword for proper planning and efficiency.


Cheapo being a calm, cool, collected, intelligent and generous clackalackadackdack devised an alternative plan whereby he went out to buy her a skirt.


So he went out. He saw a shop. He approached the shop (all on foot btw). He saw saleslady. He asked saleslady if skirts are available.



Upon which he got a look of utter contempt and disgust and loathing and shock and horror and repugnance and pique and outrage and....well in short...the sort of look that our resident gay pedophile Wellbeloved deserves and gets from the parents and guardians of babies and toddlers and all other right thinking decent human beings.



First Uber's claims that Cheapo is as useless as Ayushman of the Bossturds.

Then Uber's threats of GBH for cracking innocent jokes.

Now, a look reserved for gay pedophiles.




There is no justice in the world. And there certainly is no advantage in being a generally decent, honest, hard-working individual.

Despicable, Disgusting and Disgraceful

Everyone who knows me knows that I am a reasonable individual. And that I am a peaceful person.

However there are some entities that make me homicidal. Since I love sports so much, I thought I would share with you the sporting entities who I despise or/and would like to thwack.

1. Gary Neville
2. Sore / bad losers / Wenger and his fans (the same group basically, the Wenger fans have taken sore loser-ship to an art form.....not Arsenal fans though, I like the club, I like their fans...its only people like Wenger and people who think Wenger > Arsenal that infuriates me)
3. Gary Neville
4. Manchester fucking United ( I respect them but hate them)
5. Mohd Azharuddin for being a traitor to the country..(and I have also lost all respect for the Congress party for giving him a ticket)
6. Gary Neville
7. Indian Olympic Committee and its officials (for being fucking corrupt and useless)
8. Indian politicians massacring our sports
9. Whoever wherever however is responsible for the state of Indian hockey today
10. Gary Neville
11. Barcelona (2008 - )...for being arrogant sods
    
12. Tom Herring Obrebro
    
13. Christiano Ronaldo (on the field)
14. Gary Neville
15. Australian Cricket team (barring Gilchrist)...for being arrogant sods
16. Roger Federer ...for being another sore loser plus for believing he is the greatest...you are not the best mate, not when you get regularly spanked by a certain Spanish fella
17. East Bengal Football Club...I know they are a necessary evil but still
18. Gary Neville
19. Neville Neville for spawning Gary
20. Grandpa Neville for spawning Neville Neville ad infinitum
21. Sania Mirza for pissing away her talent
22. Steve mfucking Bucknor
23. Steven Gerrard fans who voted him as one of the all time great midfielders...bunch of fucking idiots....even Liverpool fans have voted King Kenny as their all time greatest player and Kenny was not even amongst the candidates for the all time greats poll
24. Uli Hoeness for sticking with Van Buyten and Demichelis........you fucking idiot
    
25. Gary Neville
26. Andy Gray for never shutting up and spewing shite
27. American Football...frankly awful
28. Players who win and then thank god, yeah like god has nothing better to do
29. Gary Neville
30. Suresh Raina for not having a clue if a ball comes above his knees
31. The Pakistani cricketers of 80s and early 90s who kept on beating us over and over and over....
32. Chetan Sharma for that full toss
33. Venkatesh Prasad for thinking he can be a commentator
34. Those who employed Venkatesh Prasad thinking he can be a commentator
35. Gary Neville
36. Harsha Bhogle for being an insufferable know it all
37. Louis Felipe Scolari for fucking up my beloved team
38. Juventus
39. Gary Neville
40. Those who think that synchronised swimming and rhythmic floor gymnastics are sports.
41. The fact that you have to be silent during tennis, snooker etc....what d fuck mate, if the footballers and the boxers can keep their concentration amongst that noise (Arsa players excused, they play in a funeral home after all), so should everybody
42. Players who accept bribes.......unless you are piss poor, there are no excuses
43. Winston Bogarde
44. Gary Neville
45. Stephen Hunt
46. All the Jonny come lately Barca fans...suddenly the whole world is awash with them...and most of them wouldn't know a football if it came and struck them in the nose.....anyway 5 years down the line they will all be Real Madrid fans (because of.. you know... HIM)
47. Morten Gamst Pederson
48. Gary Neville
49. Watching chess
50. Gary Neville

What is Wellbeloved?

Well, rumours and speculations abound regarding the nature of our very own Wellbeloved. Critics and scholars (never the same group of individuals - true scholars don't criticise and critics are fucking idiots) have gone around scratching their hairs trying to unlock the enigma that is Wellbeloved.

Well after years of painstaking research, our intrepid journalist extraordinaire Fat Uncle Cheapo has finally come to a conclusion.


Here's the evidence.

Case 1 – Wellbeloved likes the Awfully Wee one to dress up like a young boy.

Case 2 -Wellbeloved has a roommate who is terrified of switching off the lights. Also, the lad is so scared whenever Wellbeloved is around that he runs away from home.

Case 3 - Wellbeloved is unaccountably fond of tripods.

Case 4 - Wellbeloved is a staunch supporter and fan of the Great Pedophile - Arse n Wanker.

Case 5 - Wellbeloved is just not the same after his true great love the Octogenarian Playboy aka Walking Toothpaste Advert left town. 

Case 6 (Video Evidence) - Our correspondent manged to get a copy of that underground gay porno cult sensation - Hump a Dick aka Menage a Tripod. Getting it wasn't easy. Cheapo only got it after he went and threatened the produced and director Sir Paunchsalot that Cheapo would reveal to the whole world that all of Paunchsalot's supposed original jokes are in fact taken from the internet. 

The video turned out to be one of those 4D live action/animation hybrids. It starred the famous gay porn star Big Dick Lover (who goes by the nom de plume of Gayboy Cherian - allegedly to escape his legions of hermaphrodite fans), two animated characters - a giant whale called Moby Dick and a giant camel called Moby Hump and Wellbeloved.

There was no plot or storyline. The action took place on a beach and it involved Wellbeloved getting triple bummed by the camel, the whale and Big Dick Lover with a tripod. 

Case 7 - Wellbeloved's incredible ability to get injured doing anything and everything. The lad once got injured playing chess.

Case 8 - When he heard of Cheapo's investigation, Wellbeloved mysteriously disappeared from Hyderabad.

So based on all these evidences, the only hypothesis nay theory that can be formed is that 

Wellbeloved is an arthritic gay pedophile. 

Naturally, Cheapo could not ask Wellbeloved directly. So he asked Wellbeloved's Beloved Awfully Wee Anoian Crybaby Tippy Tapper.

She claimed that:

a: He is not

b: Flappy is the best goalkeeper that has ever been, that there is and that there ever will be

c: Its all a conspiracy perpetrated by the CIA, Al Qaeeda, The Uranians and the Freemasons.

The War to End all Wars

We have had WW1, WW2 etc.


Lots of people have speculated about when the next great war will come and who will be the protagonists.


Different theories have been bandied about - the names of the Yankees, the Limeys/Poms, the Towelheads, the Krauts/Huns, the Yids, the Chinks or Gooks, the Pakis, the Ivans


But a truly epic battle needs epic combatants.


And thus we will have the War to End all Wars


The combatants - The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys and the Bongs


Yes those two groups of legendary fighters would be able to have the most memorable fight the world has ever seen.


After a flurry of messages, it was decided that the battle will take place in neutral territory. USAUSAUSA suggested Iraq since, as they put it, nothing else can further screw up that place than what they have done already.

So the plains of Babylon, which have seen such famous warlords and conquerers as Darius and Alexander, Hammurabi and Nebuchadnezzar, Saddam and George W Bush, would once again ring with the battle cries of bloodthirsty soldiers..........


........well cries of Mon Dieu, Merde, Dur Baal and Jah Sala to be more precise.


Anyway the Americans apparently suggested the site to apparently entertain the their troops.

So after lots of speeches and letters and theorising and philosophising , the day came nearer and the 2 armies started towards the destination.

The French army had 10000 soldiers. Accompanying them were 5000 cooks, 10000 butlers and valets, 5000 tailors and hat-makers, 10000 wives and 20000 mistresses.

The Bong army had 10000 soldiers. They were accompanied by their wives and mothers.


So forward and onward they marched (only interrupted when the women wanted to go shopping and when different groups went on strike) and after a few months, they reached the appointed place.


The day came. The two armies stood facing each other, both clad in their finest.

The generals of the 2 army came to the centre and.............................


started making speeches.



In the meantime, 1 Iraqi shepherd climbed up a hillock to see what the hell is going on.

Soon soldiers from the 2 army noticed the boy.


Consternation broke out.


There were widespread shouts of - "Nous sommes ainsi effrayé nous pooped juste dans notre pantalon", "nous sommes condamnés", "avoir la pitié", "bachao", "baba re gelum" "o mago".

The Bongs started running away. Seeing that, the French immediately threw down their weapons and put their arms above their heads.


And thus happened the war to end all wars.

War of the Worlds

Imagine a scenario.


Earth is under attack.

By those fecking Martians (who else).

And all the great minds (and George W Bush) meet and decide that instead of all out war, there will be a footy match between a select bunch of earthlings and a bunch of Martians. Whoever wins gets to rule the other planet.


And bear in mind that because of advanced technology, even fictional characters and dead people are able to come alive to defend their planet.


After much deliberations, numerous shortlists etc etc, they finally managed to select the following

Defenders

Obelix (CB) - (the "big" man...get past him, go on, try)


Wolverine (CB) (the man can't be beaten...simples)

Bugs Bunny (Left Back) (has loads of experience in fighting and defeating Martians)

Albus Dumbledore (Right Back) (knows all the defensive spells you can think of)


Midfielders

Hercules (DM) - (a perfect sweeper of loose balls, has loads of experience in sweeping)


Rob Anybody (RM) - (will be of great use as a winger, esp as he can pass the martian fullbacks without detection and steal into their penalty box)


Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson (CM) - (well someone has to rally the players and inspire them)


El Diego (LM) - a team of myths and legends surely needs a God?

Strikers

Genghiz Khan

Alexander 


That left the position of goalkeeper. 

And let me tell you, there was lots and lots of controversies.

Everyone wanted someone who cannot be passed. So all the great keepers like Yashin, Banks, Dasayev, Kahn, Buffon, Maier, Casillas etc were all considered and rejected.

And then, the Arsa fans popped up and demanded that a world team needs a world class keeper and ergo should take the man, the myth, the legend, the icon - Flappy.




After the resultant hilarity and derisory laughter died down and the Great Pedophile and his legion of fans rode off in their moral donkeys, the rest of the world finally managed to decide on

King Kong



So what about the managerial positions?

It has to be HIM as the manager.

And to help HIM, the world decided that

Sherlock Holmes would be perfect as someone needs to analyse the movement of the players and find clues amongst the Martian bench to figure out their plans.



Let the games begin.

Players I have been Privledged to Watch

Yeah, sometimes I get these urges. So here goes.

These are some of the best players I have seen. I haven't been biased. these are the players who have sketched their names on my mind by their performances.

And yes they are all from the last 2 decades.

Buffon

Cafu, Cannavaro, Carvalho, Ashley Cole

Makelele, Lothar Matthews

Messi, Zidane, Ronaldinho

Ronaldo


or

Kahn

Lahm, Desailly, Nesta, Roberto Carlos

Essien, Xavi

CRon, Iniesta, Robben

Drogba


or

Casillas

Thuram, Walter Samuel, Stam, Lizarazu

Van Bommel, Pirlo

Nedved, Pires

Bergkamp, Henry


and one for the future- say in 10 15 years, this lot will be greats

Joe Hart, Manuel Neier, Maicon, Pique, Fucking Biscuits, Mikel, Wilshere, McEachran, Nemanja Matic, Schweinsteiger, Ozil, Di Maria, Canales, Marco Marin, Thomas Muller, Pato, Di Maria, Khedira, Tony Kroos


managers??

Ottmar Hitzfield, HIM, Guus Hiddink, Jogi Low

We have come a long way Baby

Yes we have...a loong aloong way

Take the English language as an example


Consider this medieval news paper report headline

William Hung Drawn and Quartered


Now consider this contemporary newspaper headline

William Hung Drawn and Quartered


They look the same don't they? But the meaning is as different as different can be


The medieval one refers to William Wallace being killed by being hung, drawn and quartered. His body parts were sent to different parts of the kingdom to act as a deterrent.


The recent one refers to some bloke called William Hung who wins a lottery and gets a house


And fo some reason, I am hankering for the good ole days