You thought that epics are dead didn't you?
Well we still have epic failures like the Indian police, the Indian cricket team, the Arsenal defence, me etc but there is a marked absence of epic tales of heroism.
Not any more.
Here is the tale of our heroic heroine Jyotikus Khullerius (had to be Romanized, making that name Ionian or Hellenic is beyond my limited capabilities) in her epic quest to reach the fabled land of McDonaldland - a beautiful land full of mountains of burgers, valleys of meaty patties and rivers of mustard and ketchup not to mention golden fields of french fries.
So one bright sunny day, with vim, vigour and vanity bag, our heroic heroine left her home and flagged won a passing chariot. She had originally thought of using the ferryman to cross the river but decided against it due to its slowness.
The ferryman was not pleased. He complained to the gods.
The gods in turn got pissed about the complaint since it interrupted their attempt to get pissed while doing the bacchanalia.
They decided to teach our heroic heroine a lesson.
To that end, Hephaestus destroyed her chariot.
But Jyotikus escaped unscathed and undeterred, which pissed off the gods even more. Zeus decided that a spot of thunderstorms and hails would be the correct medicine for the puny human.
So he unleashed a severe hailstorm, and deciding that it is never too much, unleashed a tornado as well.
The sky darkened, the wind blew like a gale, hails the size of olives pounded the earth mercilessly trying to cower our heroine into submission. But our heroine was not to be denied.
Seeing another passing chariot a little distance away, she braved the hail, thunder etc and ran towards it and hopped on it. Zeus got angrier and increased the pounding.
The roof of the chariot started cracking in a few places but the chariot kept moving.
Seeing that her husband has gone apoplectic, Hera decided to intervene. She decided to scare and frustrate our heroine in a different manner.
She weaved her magic so that our heroine faced the greatest enemy of mankind - mankind itself. Hera got a particularly annoying ignoramus to interrupt, impede and irritate our heroine with inane and incessant chatter. Our heroine got distracted, disturbed and dismayed...but only for a little bit. After all she was determined to reach her destination and she was not to be denied.
So she hopped onto another chariot. Seeing both Zeus and Hera fail in stopping Jyotikus, Apollo and Dionysus decided to act together. They hatched a cunning plan and changed all the other occupants of the bus into mighty feral beasts.
But not the driver.
Oh no, it was something much worse.
They turned the driver of the chariot into a luj character Indian.
Our heroine could barely escape the clutches of said creature. She jumped down from the bus and ignoring the hails, tornado etc started running as she could see the fabled land only a wee way away. The beasts pursued with gnashing teeth and barks and howls.
But she kept on running.
And then the Gods turned to Hades. And Hades made the very earth shake.
Panic and pandemonium ensued. Whole buildings started to crumble. It was a scene straight from a Ronald Emmerich/Micheal Bay movie. The religious nutters thought apocalypse was upon them.
Battered, bruised and bleeding, our heroine stumbled on. She could hear the sounds of joy, see the rivers and hills and fields, smell the delicious nectar. And thus she was more determined than ever to not stop.
The gods became worried. They huddled and came up with the master-plan.
From the deepest pits of Tartarus, they released the beast.
The same beast which was responsible for the fall of Troy, for the disappearance of Atlantis, for the eruption of Vesuvius...the beast responsible for the deaths of umpteen men and for turning Hercules mad, the beast responsible for turning Medusa into a Gorgon, the one who made Leonidas commit suicide and the one who turned Darius III and Mark Antony into fucking idiots........all through a constant, incessant, never-ending whine......none other than the harbinger of death, the doomer of civilization - Fat Uncle Cheapo.
Legend has it that the beast first came into this world whining about bhindi and pillows when Pandora opened her box.
Once unleashed, there is no end to the suffering that the beast can cause. And that is why the Gods keep it bound in chains in the deepest pits of Tartarus. But desperate times call for desperate measures.
So they unleashed it.
And immediately our heroine felt the pain. The same Jyotikus who had endured hails, tornadoes, earthquakes, imbeciles, beasts and luj character Indians started quivering with fright and unbearable agony.
But the beast continued whining.
Our heroine was about to become mad and pass out from the pain, when she had a revelation. The spirit of her mentor She Who Must Be Obeyed appeared to her in a vision and gave her strength.
Clutching on the last vestiges of strength and drawing on hitherto untapped determination, she somehow crawled and crawled and crawled........
.....and finally managed to enter the magical realm of the fabled land.
And them la-di-dah post-modernists said that the epics are dead. Well to quote the greatest anti-hero of our era "Eat My Shorts"
Well we still have epic failures like the Indian police, the Indian cricket team, the Arsenal defence, me etc but there is a marked absence of epic tales of heroism.
Not any more.
Here is the tale of our heroic heroine Jyotikus Khullerius (had to be Romanized, making that name Ionian or Hellenic is beyond my limited capabilities) in her epic quest to reach the fabled land of McDonaldland - a beautiful land full of mountains of burgers, valleys of meaty patties and rivers of mustard and ketchup not to mention golden fields of french fries.
So one bright sunny day, with vim, vigour and vanity bag, our heroic heroine left her home and flagged won a passing chariot. She had originally thought of using the ferryman to cross the river but decided against it due to its slowness.
The ferryman was not pleased. He complained to the gods.
The gods in turn got pissed about the complaint since it interrupted their attempt to get pissed while doing the bacchanalia.
They decided to teach our heroic heroine a lesson.
To that end, Hephaestus destroyed her chariot.
But Jyotikus escaped unscathed and undeterred, which pissed off the gods even more. Zeus decided that a spot of thunderstorms and hails would be the correct medicine for the puny human.
So he unleashed a severe hailstorm, and deciding that it is never too much, unleashed a tornado as well.
The sky darkened, the wind blew like a gale, hails the size of olives pounded the earth mercilessly trying to cower our heroine into submission. But our heroine was not to be denied.
Seeing another passing chariot a little distance away, she braved the hail, thunder etc and ran towards it and hopped on it. Zeus got angrier and increased the pounding.
The roof of the chariot started cracking in a few places but the chariot kept moving.
Seeing that her husband has gone apoplectic, Hera decided to intervene. She decided to scare and frustrate our heroine in a different manner.
She weaved her magic so that our heroine faced the greatest enemy of mankind - mankind itself. Hera got a particularly annoying ignoramus to interrupt, impede and irritate our heroine with inane and incessant chatter. Our heroine got distracted, disturbed and dismayed...but only for a little bit. After all she was determined to reach her destination and she was not to be denied.
So she hopped onto another chariot. Seeing both Zeus and Hera fail in stopping Jyotikus, Apollo and Dionysus decided to act together. They hatched a cunning plan and changed all the other occupants of the bus into mighty feral beasts.
But not the driver.
Oh no, it was something much worse.
They turned the driver of the chariot into a luj character Indian.
Our heroine could barely escape the clutches of said creature. She jumped down from the bus and ignoring the hails, tornado etc started running as she could see the fabled land only a wee way away. The beasts pursued with gnashing teeth and barks and howls.
But she kept on running.
And then the Gods turned to Hades. And Hades made the very earth shake.
Panic and pandemonium ensued. Whole buildings started to crumble. It was a scene straight from a Ronald Emmerich/Micheal Bay movie. The religious nutters thought apocalypse was upon them.
Battered, bruised and bleeding, our heroine stumbled on. She could hear the sounds of joy, see the rivers and hills and fields, smell the delicious nectar. And thus she was more determined than ever to not stop.
The gods became worried. They huddled and came up with the master-plan.
From the deepest pits of Tartarus, they released the beast.
The same beast which was responsible for the fall of Troy, for the disappearance of Atlantis, for the eruption of Vesuvius...the beast responsible for the deaths of umpteen men and for turning Hercules mad, the beast responsible for turning Medusa into a Gorgon, the one who made Leonidas commit suicide and the one who turned Darius III and Mark Antony into fucking idiots........all through a constant, incessant, never-ending whine......none other than the harbinger of death, the doomer of civilization - Fat Uncle Cheapo.
Legend has it that the beast first came into this world whining about bhindi and pillows when Pandora opened her box.
Once unleashed, there is no end to the suffering that the beast can cause. And that is why the Gods keep it bound in chains in the deepest pits of Tartarus. But desperate times call for desperate measures.
So they unleashed it.
And immediately our heroine felt the pain. The same Jyotikus who had endured hails, tornadoes, earthquakes, imbeciles, beasts and luj character Indians started quivering with fright and unbearable agony.
But the beast continued whining.
Our heroine was about to become mad and pass out from the pain, when she had a revelation. The spirit of her mentor She Who Must Be Obeyed appeared to her in a vision and gave her strength.
Clutching on the last vestiges of strength and drawing on hitherto untapped determination, she somehow crawled and crawled and crawled........
.....and finally managed to enter the magical realm of the fabled land.
And them la-di-dah post-modernists said that the epics are dead. Well to quote the greatest anti-hero of our era "Eat My Shorts"
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