Despicable, Disgusting and Disgraceful

Everyone who knows me knows that I am a reasonable individual. And that I am a peaceful person.

However there are some entities that make me homicidal. Since I love sports so much, I thought I would share with you the sporting entities who I despise or/and would like to thwack.

1. Gary Neville
2. Sore / bad losers / Wenger and his fans (the same group basically, the Wenger fans have taken sore loser-ship to an art form.....not Arsenal fans though, I like the club, I like their fans...its only people like Wenger and people who think Wenger > Arsenal that infuriates me)
3. Gary Neville
4. Manchester fucking United ( I respect them but hate them)
5. Mohd Azharuddin for being a traitor to the country..(and I have also lost all respect for the Congress party for giving him a ticket)
6. Gary Neville
7. Indian Olympic Committee and its officials (for being fucking corrupt and useless)
8. Indian politicians massacring our sports
9. Whoever wherever however is responsible for the state of Indian hockey today
10. Gary Neville
11. Barcelona (2008 - )...for being arrogant sods
    
12. Tom Herring Obrebro
    
13. Christiano Ronaldo (on the field)
14. Gary Neville
15. Australian Cricket team (barring Gilchrist)...for being arrogant sods
16. Roger Federer ...for being another sore loser plus for believing he is the greatest...you are not the best mate, not when you get regularly spanked by a certain Spanish fella
17. East Bengal Football Club...I know they are a necessary evil but still
18. Gary Neville
19. Neville Neville for spawning Gary
20. Grandpa Neville for spawning Neville Neville ad infinitum
21. Sania Mirza for pissing away her talent
22. Steve mfucking Bucknor
23. Steven Gerrard fans who voted him as one of the all time great midfielders...bunch of fucking idiots....even Liverpool fans have voted King Kenny as their all time greatest player and Kenny was not even amongst the candidates for the all time greats poll
24. Uli Hoeness for sticking with Van Buyten and Demichelis........you fucking idiot
    
25. Gary Neville
26. Andy Gray for never shutting up and spewing shite
27. American Football...frankly awful
28. Players who win and then thank god, yeah like god has nothing better to do
29. Gary Neville
30. Suresh Raina for not having a clue if a ball comes above his knees
31. The Pakistani cricketers of 80s and early 90s who kept on beating us over and over and over....
32. Chetan Sharma for that full toss
33. Venkatesh Prasad for thinking he can be a commentator
34. Those who employed Venkatesh Prasad thinking he can be a commentator
35. Gary Neville
36. Harsha Bhogle for being an insufferable know it all
37. Louis Felipe Scolari for fucking up my beloved team
38. Juventus
39. Gary Neville
40. Those who think that synchronised swimming and rhythmic floor gymnastics are sports.
41. The fact that you have to be silent during tennis, snooker etc....what d fuck mate, if the footballers and the boxers can keep their concentration amongst that noise (Arsa players excused, they play in a funeral home after all), so should everybody
42. Players who accept bribes.......unless you are piss poor, there are no excuses
43. Winston Bogarde
44. Gary Neville
45. Stephen Hunt
46. All the Jonny come lately Barca fans...suddenly the whole world is awash with them...and most of them wouldn't know a football if it came and struck them in the nose.....anyway 5 years down the line they will all be Real Madrid fans (because of.. you know... HIM)
47. Morten Gamst Pederson
48. Gary Neville
49. Watching chess
50. Gary Neville

What is Wellbeloved?

Well, rumours and speculations abound regarding the nature of our very own Wellbeloved. Critics and scholars (never the same group of individuals - true scholars don't criticise and critics are fucking idiots) have gone around scratching their hairs trying to unlock the enigma that is Wellbeloved.

Well after years of painstaking research, our intrepid journalist extraordinaire Fat Uncle Cheapo has finally come to a conclusion.


Here's the evidence.

Case 1 – Wellbeloved likes the Awfully Wee one to dress up like a young boy.

Case 2 -Wellbeloved has a roommate who is terrified of switching off the lights. Also, the lad is so scared whenever Wellbeloved is around that he runs away from home.

Case 3 - Wellbeloved is unaccountably fond of tripods.

Case 4 - Wellbeloved is a staunch supporter and fan of the Great Pedophile - Arse n Wanker.

Case 5 - Wellbeloved is just not the same after his true great love the Octogenarian Playboy aka Walking Toothpaste Advert left town. 

Case 6 (Video Evidence) - Our correspondent manged to get a copy of that underground gay porno cult sensation - Hump a Dick aka Menage a Tripod. Getting it wasn't easy. Cheapo only got it after he went and threatened the produced and director Sir Paunchsalot that Cheapo would reveal to the whole world that all of Paunchsalot's supposed original jokes are in fact taken from the internet. 

The video turned out to be one of those 4D live action/animation hybrids. It starred the famous gay porn star Big Dick Lover (who goes by the nom de plume of Gayboy Cherian - allegedly to escape his legions of hermaphrodite fans), two animated characters - a giant whale called Moby Dick and a giant camel called Moby Hump and Wellbeloved.

There was no plot or storyline. The action took place on a beach and it involved Wellbeloved getting triple bummed by the camel, the whale and Big Dick Lover with a tripod. 

Case 7 - Wellbeloved's incredible ability to get injured doing anything and everything. The lad once got injured playing chess.

Case 8 - When he heard of Cheapo's investigation, Wellbeloved mysteriously disappeared from Hyderabad.

So based on all these evidences, the only hypothesis nay theory that can be formed is that 

Wellbeloved is an arthritic gay pedophile. 

Naturally, Cheapo could not ask Wellbeloved directly. So he asked Wellbeloved's Beloved Awfully Wee Anoian Crybaby Tippy Tapper.

She claimed that:

a: He is not

b: Flappy is the best goalkeeper that has ever been, that there is and that there ever will be

c: Its all a conspiracy perpetrated by the CIA, Al Qaeeda, The Uranians and the Freemasons.

The War to End all Wars

We have had WW1, WW2 etc.


Lots of people have speculated about when the next great war will come and who will be the protagonists.


Different theories have been bandied about - the names of the Yankees, the Limeys/Poms, the Towelheads, the Krauts/Huns, the Yids, the Chinks or Gooks, the Pakis, the Ivans


But a truly epic battle needs epic combatants.


And thus we will have the War to End all Wars


The combatants - The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys and the Bongs


Yes those two groups of legendary fighters would be able to have the most memorable fight the world has ever seen.


After a flurry of messages, it was decided that the battle will take place in neutral territory. USAUSAUSA suggested Iraq since, as they put it, nothing else can further screw up that place than what they have done already.

So the plains of Babylon, which have seen such famous warlords and conquerers as Darius and Alexander, Hammurabi and Nebuchadnezzar, Saddam and George W Bush, would once again ring with the battle cries of bloodthirsty soldiers..........


........well cries of Mon Dieu, Merde, Dur Baal and Jah Sala to be more precise.


Anyway the Americans apparently suggested the site to apparently entertain the their troops.

So after lots of speeches and letters and theorising and philosophising , the day came nearer and the 2 armies started towards the destination.

The French army had 10000 soldiers. Accompanying them were 5000 cooks, 10000 butlers and valets, 5000 tailors and hat-makers, 10000 wives and 20000 mistresses.

The Bong army had 10000 soldiers. They were accompanied by their wives and mothers.


So forward and onward they marched (only interrupted when the women wanted to go shopping and when different groups went on strike) and after a few months, they reached the appointed place.


The day came. The two armies stood facing each other, both clad in their finest.

The generals of the 2 army came to the centre and.............................


started making speeches.



In the meantime, 1 Iraqi shepherd climbed up a hillock to see what the hell is going on.

Soon soldiers from the 2 army noticed the boy.


Consternation broke out.


There were widespread shouts of - "Nous sommes ainsi effrayé nous pooped juste dans notre pantalon", "nous sommes condamnés", "avoir la pitié", "bachao", "baba re gelum" "o mago".

The Bongs started running away. Seeing that, the French immediately threw down their weapons and put their arms above their heads.


And thus happened the war to end all wars.

War of the Worlds

Imagine a scenario.


Earth is under attack.

By those fecking Martians (who else).

And all the great minds (and George W Bush) meet and decide that instead of all out war, there will be a footy match between a select bunch of earthlings and a bunch of Martians. Whoever wins gets to rule the other planet.


And bear in mind that because of advanced technology, even fictional characters and dead people are able to come alive to defend their planet.


After much deliberations, numerous shortlists etc etc, they finally managed to select the following

Defenders

Obelix (CB) - (the "big" man...get past him, go on, try)


Wolverine (CB) (the man can't be beaten...simples)

Bugs Bunny (Left Back) (has loads of experience in fighting and defeating Martians)

Albus Dumbledore (Right Back) (knows all the defensive spells you can think of)


Midfielders

Hercules (DM) - (a perfect sweeper of loose balls, has loads of experience in sweeping)


Rob Anybody (RM) - (will be of great use as a winger, esp as he can pass the martian fullbacks without detection and steal into their penalty box)


Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson (CM) - (well someone has to rally the players and inspire them)


El Diego (LM) - a team of myths and legends surely needs a God?

Strikers

Genghiz Khan

Alexander 


That left the position of goalkeeper. 

And let me tell you, there was lots and lots of controversies.

Everyone wanted someone who cannot be passed. So all the great keepers like Yashin, Banks, Dasayev, Kahn, Buffon, Maier, Casillas etc were all considered and rejected.

And then, the Arsa fans popped up and demanded that a world team needs a world class keeper and ergo should take the man, the myth, the legend, the icon - Flappy.




After the resultant hilarity and derisory laughter died down and the Great Pedophile and his legion of fans rode off in their moral donkeys, the rest of the world finally managed to decide on

King Kong



So what about the managerial positions?

It has to be HIM as the manager.

And to help HIM, the world decided that

Sherlock Holmes would be perfect as someone needs to analyse the movement of the players and find clues amongst the Martian bench to figure out their plans.



Let the games begin.

Players I have been Privledged to Watch

Yeah, sometimes I get these urges. So here goes.

These are some of the best players I have seen. I haven't been biased. these are the players who have sketched their names on my mind by their performances.

And yes they are all from the last 2 decades.

Buffon

Cafu, Cannavaro, Carvalho, Ashley Cole

Makelele, Lothar Matthews

Messi, Zidane, Ronaldinho

Ronaldo


or

Kahn

Lahm, Desailly, Nesta, Roberto Carlos

Essien, Xavi

CRon, Iniesta, Robben

Drogba


or

Casillas

Thuram, Walter Samuel, Stam, Lizarazu

Van Bommel, Pirlo

Nedved, Pires

Bergkamp, Henry


and one for the future- say in 10 15 years, this lot will be greats

Joe Hart, Manuel Neier, Maicon, Pique, Fucking Biscuits, Mikel, Wilshere, McEachran, Nemanja Matic, Schweinsteiger, Ozil, Di Maria, Canales, Marco Marin, Thomas Muller, Pato, Di Maria, Khedira, Tony Kroos


managers??

Ottmar Hitzfield, HIM, Guus Hiddink, Jogi Low

We have come a long way Baby

Yes we have...a loong aloong way

Take the English language as an example


Consider this medieval news paper report headline

William Hung Drawn and Quartered


Now consider this contemporary newspaper headline

William Hung Drawn and Quartered


They look the same don't they? But the meaning is as different as different can be


The medieval one refers to William Wallace being killed by being hung, drawn and quartered. His body parts were sent to different parts of the kingdom to act as a deterrent.


The recent one refers to some bloke called William Hung who wins a lottery and gets a house


And fo some reason, I am hankering for the good ole days

The Last King of Bongland

Well all of ye who have clackalackadackdacked the last post, now know of the awesome record of the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys when it comes to doing anythin resembling a fight.


But for some reason, they regularly enter into arguements and then challenge people (only to get spanked) and then they surrender.


But they are not at the top of the food chain though.


There is another group of individuals who have established themselves as the numero uno of...well everything....they suffer from unsurpassable amounts of superiority complex and.....well have reached the zenith and pinnacle of self delusion.


They have also reached the zenith of martial loserliness.


They have lost em all (as a group/race...defo not individually...the motherland got independence due to the bravery and sacrifice of quite a lot of the individuals)


And their last Hindu king (historically inaccurate, Raja Ganesh was the last but by all accounts he was quite a good fighter, so can't be considered for this blog) had led from the front and had trailblazed his way to immotality.


You see the fella's name was Laxman Sen. He epitomised awesomeness. In fact awesome was his middle name.

Why you ask?


Well, he got news of an invasion by the Mulims (Bakhtiar Khilji) and he abandoned his capital city and ran away.  As it transpires he ran away from 20 men on horseback who had just come to check things out.


Yes people, this blog is about those half men half amazings, those mythical legendary warriors - the Bongs.


Barring Shashanka (of Gaud) and Raja Ganesh not a single one of them have ever won a war.


But what about the Muslim rulers ye ask? Weren't they Bongs as well ye ask?


Yep those who were born in the region definitely can be considered Bongs. So lets have a look.


The conqueres are automatically and naturally disqualified.


Their descendants (if born/broght up in the region) can be considered.


Khilji Dynasty

Bakhtiar Khilji started it after Laxman Sen ran away

His descendants Muhammad Shiran Khilji and Husamuddin Iwaj Khilji were both spanked by Delhi and Ali Mardan Khilji was assasinated by his own people.


Mameluk Dynasty

All Turkish, none born i nthe region....but still all either assasinated ordefeated by Delhiwalas.


Mahmud Shahi Dynasty

All Iranians.....last one defeated by Tughluq's general


Illyas Shahi Dynasty

Shamsuddin Ilyas Shah was probably born in the region and by all acounts quite a good soldier so - Exception proves the Rule

His descendants however included

Sikander Shah, whose most notable achievement was begetting 17 children from his 1st wife and 1 from his 2nd...the last one promptly defeated him

Shihab-ud-Din Bayazid Shah, who once sent a giraffe to China

yes, I know


Habshi Dynasty

Abyssianian....don't ask me just what exactly that lot was doing in Bongland


Hussian Shahi Dynasty

Founder Arab

Descendants lost to the Ahoms of Assam....yes we lost to that lot also...sigh


Sur and Shahi Dynasties

Apart from gettong occassionaly spanked by the Delhiwalas, they spent their days wanking


Then we had the governors/ vassals etc of the Mughals

Then Murshi Quli Khan - non Bong

The next 3 born in the Deccan or Orissa

And then there was Siraj ud Dullah - born and brought up in Bongland


So naturally the 1st Indian ruler to be routed and killed by the East India Company



So as you can see, the Bongs have no equal (except possibly the Austrians) when it comes to being unmitigated disasters when on the battlefield.


However, we have more than made up for being livinglegends on the battlefield by being seven shades of awesome in creating/producing

the hottest women
the most brilliant novels, stories, poems, songs, dramas and films
the weirdest paintings
a long and endless stream of good to great footballers
a long and endless stream of critics and know-it-alls



and most importantly - the most delicious food on this planet



So ye lot can have yer battles, we have our food.


p.s Its such a shame that we also have the comrades, but hey no one's perfect.

p.p.s We also have/are the laziest bunch of creatures this planet has ever seen (and this is a planet which has seen tortoises, facebook addicts and Jimbo)

Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys

Talking of Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys, they are the only 1 group of individuals in the whole world who have never won a war. Of course they have won a few battles here and there nut when it comes to losing, they have no equals.


It all started with Vercingetorix first declaring war on ole Julius, then quite delightfully mucking up his tactics and millitary strategies (becoming a jelly in Julius's doughnut shaped fortifications), then feeding his own soldiers to the metaphorical cannons and then....well...surrendering


He wasn't the last...oh no, not by a long way


Fast forward a few hundred years and we have the monkeys fighting the Lions


and what happens?


Yes that's right they lose and lose and lose (Crecy (1346) and Agincourt (1415) famous examples) and surrender and surrender and surrender

and when they finally get a commander (Joan of Arc) who can beat the bloody Englishmen, what do they do?

They burn her


Once again fast forward


We arrive at the 18th century


We see the monkeys fighting along with that other great martial powers Austria (who has never ever won a war) and Spain (the only war they ever won was the civil war...but they lost that as well) against those tiny insignificant warrior nations of Britain and Prussia.

Guess what happened....go on guess guess


Thats right


The real fun was about to start though


The 19th and 20th centuries were the zenith of the ancient and noble simian tradition of surrendering.


It started with Napolean getting an arse kicking of epic proportions in Egypt and the talantic by Nelson. He decided to evolve and fight on land. After being chased all around the continent by Arthur Wellesley...guess what Napolean did??

Yep

He was put in an island where he got bored after a few years. So what did he do. He walked into Paris and the whole nation surrendered to him. He then assembled a huge massive army and started marching to Belgium.

Upon reaching Belgium, more specifically a place called Waterloo, he decided to go back to Paris. Upon reaching Paris, he carried on the simian tradition and ..well....surrendered.


[Aside - the man was an eejit. Why you ask?

1. The British army employed riflemen - the Greenjackets. The rifle had a much bigger range as well as accuracy and was deaedly as a sniper weapon. So what did Napolean do? He said oo la la and stuck to muskets.

2. The British used the line formation while fighting. What it meant was at any point of time there were say a hundred men ready to fire. Boney on the other hand stuck to his columns - wha tthat meant was that at any point oftime only the front line could fire - so say 4 or 5.

What is amusing is that he stuck to the same strategy over and over and over and.....even though he kept on losing and losing and losing and...]


We proceed a few decaded...Napolean 3 is in the throne. Bismark of Prussia said "boo!".


Napolean 3 not only surrendered the army but also surrender Alsace, Lorainne, dignity etc etc.

Just to keep in practice, he surrendered a few years later to the Italians as well.


We all know what happened in WW1 and 2.


But hey surrendering to the Germans ain't that humiliating is it.



What is humiliating is surrendering to a bunch of peasants...as the monkeys did in 1954 in Vietnam.


From then on, the monkeys has kept a strict policy of surrendering whenever and wherever they got he chance.....(prime example French Football Team)


And one of France's most famous son is now upholding the traditions of  blindness and sheer imbecilic foolishness by....well....by completely destroying a certain football club and surrendering its dignity and history as well as any chance of ever actually winning anything towards his insatiable lust for young boys......hell Catholic priests are nothing in comparison to His Myopicness when it comes to lust for young boys - the younger the better.

{Hell Interpol even has a questionnaire for freshers in the force. One of the questions goes like this

Of the following, who is a pedophile?

A. Arsene Wenger
B. Arsene Wenger
C. Arsene Wenger
D. All of the Above}

And before we forget about the French army, here's what they have been upto

http://www.hiiraan.com/news2/2010/mar/french_destroyer_surrenders_to_somali_pirates.aspx

http://www.thenoseonyourface.com/the-french/france-surrenders-as-pre-caution-after-swiss-troops-wander-into-liechtenstein/

World's Most Famous and Memorable Scotsmen

Yep this post is about those whiskey drinking, kilt wearing, bagpipe playing, golf inventing, haggis eating, claymore weaving bunch of nutters.


The world is fascinated by the Scots (they get progressively more fascinating after the world has had a few pegs of Scotch).


And so, after lots of research (abt 10 mins of Wiki), Cheapo decided to make a list of the most famous Scotsmen


10. James Watts - developed the steam engine...thereby starting a chain of events which has resulted in the depletion of the ozone layer and which has ensured that Paris Hilton will be caught in every country i nthe world with cocaine in her purse


9. David Hume - dabbled in philosophy and stuff...apparently said "Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions".......possibly a wanker


8. Adam Smith - economics, money.. wuhooo


7. Sir Alexander Graham Bell - the dude invented the telephone without which our modern generation muppets would have been destitutes


6. Sir Alexander Fleming - penicillin.....without which women's headaches would hav been uncurable and men would have had to commit suicide


5. Sir Alex Ferguson - the sun shines out of the Glasgow Beetroot's purple tonker...definitely a wanker.....also allegations abound that he was anally bummed by Satan himself and their bastard lovechild is Gary fucking Neville (forever changing the meaning of the words Holy Crap)


4. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - elementary my dear clackalackadackdacks


3. Sir William Wallace (made famous by Mel Gibson)- from all historical accounts a loser and a bit of a wanker...tell that to a Scotsman and if you can live after 5 minutes, go buy a lottery ticket...u will be a billionaire
.

2. Sir Sean Connery - well you know, no explanations necessary


1. Dr. William MacDougal - the most famous Scotsman in history....the most recognizable Scotsman in history (according to Times)....and the man who coined the phrase "Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys"

what? u didn't get it? shame on ye!!!!


what image comes to mind when u think of an angry Scotsman?


that's right


the man who said “Brothers and sisters are natural-born enemies, like Englishmen and Scots! And Welshmen and Scots! And Japanese and Scots! And Scots and other Scots! Lousy Scots! They ruin Scotland.”

Its Willie the Groundsman from Simpsons


http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/scotland/article581035.ece


other notable Scotsmen include

Andrew Carnegie (1835–1919), steel magnate, major philanthropist

Barrie - Sir J M (1860-1937) - Author of "Peter Pan" and "The Admirable Crichton".

Burns - Robert (1759-1796) - Scotland's most celebrated poet.

Carlyle - Thomas (1795-1881) - An influential philosopher and historian of the Victorian age.

McAdam - John Loudon (1756-1836) - Improved a tar-based road surface which became known as "tarmac".


Macbeth - King (1005- 1057) - Shakespeare based his tragedy on selected facts about this Scottish king.

MacGregor - Rob Roy (1671-1734) - The larger than life Highland Rogue.


Macintosh - Charles (1766-1843) - His invention of waterproof clothing added his name to the English dictionary.

Maclean - Alistair (1922-1987) - Author of books such as "HMS Ulysses" and "The Guns of Navaronne".
 
Scott - Sir Walter (1771-1832) - Author of novels such as "Ivanhoe" who also "invented" modern tartans.
 
Smollet - Tobias George (1721- 1771) - Regarded as a founder of the modern novel.
 
Stevenson - Robert Louis (1850-1894) - Author of such classics as "Treasure Island" and "Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde".
 
James Young Simpson (1811–1870), introduced chloroform into surgery
 
Kenny Dalglish (born 1951), retired footballer and manager of Liverpool F.C.
 
etc etc etc

Victim

Well, thats it....after hundreds of years and well millions of muppet hours, the verdict is out..........and nobody is happy.


Well, except Cheapo, who got a half day cause of it.


There is peace all around, despite the total efforts of the nihilists - the Indian press and Ayushman of the Bossturds, who is a fucking idiot and a stupid cunt.


Some people are happy, some are sad while some others are completely indifferent.


No one is hurt yet..........well no one except Baldrick.


Yep, ladies, gentlemen, hermaphrodites and clackalackadackdacks, Baldrick became the 1st victim of the Ayodha verdict.


How yo ask?


Well his pants fell off.


Yes people, he had to travel the length and breadth of Hyderabad all muy naked.


Sources claim that all the other multiple wheelers and clackalackadackdacks laughed at him and made fun of him.


He is mortified.