Ponies

Well, quite a few of ye lot have been pestering me regarding the ponies. A question which seems to crop up in regular intervals is whether the ponies have been named.

Well, yes, they have.


There are two of them. And I have decided to name them Sigmund and Schaden.



Sigmund is neurotic and is afraid of eating his grass coz he thinks that would be tantamount to shagging his mother. Ergo, he got weak and couldn't work and was kicked out by his former owner. Ergo, the treatment, the therapy et all.


Schaden, on the other hand, is a lazy bugger. Ergo, he was kicked out by his previous master.  Now he spends his time eating all the time and laughing at Sigmund.

What A Day

Well, it was an interesting day to say the least.

It started off with Fat Uncle Cheapo looking like a Pakistani terrorist and ended with him looking like a Qatari luj character prince.

Those of you who are privy to confidential and sensitive information know that Fat Uncle Cheapo had gone to the city of ex-gardens.

Those who are just privy are full of shit.

Anyway, so he boarded the bus. Immediately, 2 young lads...…from the accent Punjabi…..started calling all and sundry to vote for Jatin and Akshita in some online “context”(sic).  Cheapo couldn’t figure out whether it was a singing competition, a dancing completion or whether they had uploaded their fuck video but after a point of time Cheapo started wishing that he had mobile net access just to log into that site and vote for the other teams as many times as possible.

Nothing much happened in the bus – A Mercedes Benz btw…so now Cheapo can claim that he had ridden a Benz…now only if females of the species stopped saying ‘Ewwwwww’ to him, he could contemplate riding….. – except that they played one of the most atrocious movies Cheapo have ever had the misfortune to see – Partner. First it was Telugu Don, then a 80s romantic movie with a lame Sanjay Dutt and Madhuri Dixit, then a movie where all the Deols were boxers and now this. Damn, Cheapo can’t catch a break.

The only other thing that was even remotely interesting was that the guy sitting beside Cheapo started complaining about stinky socks and asked all and sundry about their socks. Experiments proved that it wasn’t any of theirs. Cheapo has grave suspicions that it was the guy’s own socks stinking up the place, and he did the whole performance to divert suspicion.

Oo, oo not to forget, the bus had stopped at a dhaba type of thing for dinner. People had got down for food, stretching legs and peeing. So, these 2 heroines had also gone down. They were still standing and chatting while most others were back. Now the bus driver had to move the bus a little to facilitate some other vehicle.  He started the bus and moved it about 6 inches before shouts of “ohhh nooooo”, “please don’t leave us”, “stop please stop” etc permeated the clam night accompanied by the heroines running helter-skelter.

All for six inches!!! Damn, size does matter to girls, doesn’t it? To borrow the phrase of our cousins and overlords from USAUSAUSA (invading a country near you), Cheapo strikes out again.

As it transpired, the bus reached the place at 5.30 in the morning. It was dark and foggy times and the Sandman was asleep so heavily that he wasn’t picking up the phone. So Cheapo had no option but to get down and get an auto – mind you he only remembered the name of main road, not the bylane nor the house.

So the auto ride started and within 5 minutes Cheapo was stuck in the middle of a big ass flower market.  Imagine if you will……

Its 5.45 in the morning. Its pitch dark, full of fog and there is an incessant drone coming from the buzzing of hundreds of people intent on doing business with tonnes of flowers surrounding you.

Ahhh, the sight!!!! The sound!!!! The smell!!!! The clackalackadackdack!!!!!!


And the Sandman still slept

Anyway, after passing all that, Cheapo finally arrived at the awesomely named Avenue Road, Where he promptly got lost. You see Cheapo remembered that the Sandman lived in Avenue Road, but he had, in his own useless way, forgotten the number of the junction as well as the landmark.

So, there was no option but to tackle every lane and by lane. So he started doing that. So at 6 in the morning in a foggy dark unknown place people are just waking up and finding a weird looking dude loitering around suspiciously. 


And the Sandman still slept

So guess what happened next?

Yep, that’s right. Cheapo gets picked up by the police for “questioning”.

Policeman: What do you want?

Cheapo: I got lost looking for my friend's place.

Policeman: What friend?

C: Sandesh Raju

P: Where does he stay?

C; Don't know, that's why I got lost

P; Who are you? Where are you coming from?

C: Am Fat Uncle Cheapo from Kolkata

P: But you are loitering here with no address and anything. Come to the police station with us.

C: But I am a friend of Uber.

P: Oh sorry Sir!! I didn't know Sir. Its ok Sir. Please carry on Sir. Can I help you in any way Sir? etc etc etc

The Uber moves in mysterious ways.

And then Sandman finally woke up

After an interlude involving lots of food, lots of coffee, lots of dogs (3 - all of them as big as Cheapo) and lots of curses to fate and females of the species for failing to notice the awesomeness of the protagonists, evening arrived.




And then Cheapo got hijacked and abducted. But more of that later.




First, Cheapo had to meet Chinki the Great. You see Cheapo was carrying some highly sensitive stuff from  one city to the other (kinda like a drug mule, but without stuff getting shoved up his...) and he had to give said stuff to the Great One.




So, they fixed up an appointment. And Cheapo arrived at the designated spot. 


And so did the la-di-dahs, the wastrels, the never do wells, and predictably the police (yes again...but this time they contended themselves with looking at him with furrowed brows et all - they moved away after a while.....whether because they got bored, or got instructions regarding Uber or because Cheapo was lobbing well directed audio olfactory extravaganzas at them is debatable). 




Following the ancient and noble traditions of her species, The Great One was fashionably late. And she promptly got lost as well.




Now how anyone can miss the svelte and stunning figure of Fat Uncle Cheapo is open for discussion, but somehow even that was managed.




Anyway, passwords were interchanged and confirmed. The handover was done. The secret signals were passed. And they went their separate ways.




It was at this time that the Sandman hijacked Cheapo and took him to a saloon to make him look less like a terrorist.




Beards were trimmed, moustaches were harassed. 




And i nthe end Cheapo ended up looking like a Qatari luj character prince. 




But that wasnt the end. 


The barbarian lad asked Cheapo if he wanted a head massage. Cheapo said yes. 




So the Barbarian promptly strapped Cheapo down and then sprayed some acid on his face. While Cheapo was shouting with pain, the barbarian then opened a jar and put lumps of foul fruity smelling lumps of chemicals all over his face. But it wasnt over.




Then the barbarian took out a head-shrinking device and tried to crush Cheapo's skull....all the while laughing maniacally.....when even that didn't work and  Cheapo refused to submit, he started applying boiling water all over Cheapo's face.


Cheapo finally broke free and the barbarian ran away. 



Later investigations proved that


a. the barbarian was an agent of Cheapo's nemesis - that notorious woman seducer Great Indian Chunkubaaz, who after terrorizing boudis in Kolkata, Hyderabad, Delhi and Gurgaon, have shifted base to Bangalore


b. that's how apparently people get facials - allegedly to look better; a pointless exercise in futility if there ever was one




Cheapo looks the same shade of horrible hideous ugliness after the torture as he did before

What the F?

Yep, it was a weekend, nay a whole week full of F-s.


There were lots of F-ing going around. Unfortunately, most of it was not at all pleasurable. 


To start with, Fat Uncle Cheapo's favourite niece the Kiddo complained about the F-ing cold in the land of the Sasquatches. Then she went and got F-ing drunk.


Then we had Uber, the 2nd most violent person ever seen in these shores (after Sultan Mahmud of Ghazni). After much sorting and analysis of evidence, it was proved that she somehow managed to mindF herself (and yes I am well aware that for writing that, I am going to get a F-ing thrashing).


Then there was the Wellbeloved Family Doormat Awefully Wee Crybaby.  She has come up with a new and innovative way of getting mindF-ed....and no its not mind4letter word, but rather mind-fart. That's right people. She gets mindfarted by her one true god - the gay pedophile Wellbeloved. As a result of the mindFart, she has become rabid and is now going around biting people.


Our man Midas also got F-ed. In his case, f stood for frozen. Here's what happened. Midas got huge pain in his hand. Suspicions of carpet tunnel arose (ironic since we have neither a carpet nor a tunnel). So Midas did the only thing which seemed to work. He stuck his hand in the freezer.


However, some recent evidence has arisen which point out that it was Miss Monopolycheater Cakebaker who F-d Midas's hand by stabbing it with a fork.


Now comes the good part.


It is a widely established fact that Fat Uncle Cheapo never gets respect from his friends. So it was natural that when he announced his plans of cooking egg curry, he was showered with derision, ridicule, scorn, disdain and disparagement.....and in Uber's case, punches and kicks.


But undeterred and in the face of extreme adversity, Cheapo F-ed (fortified) his heart and persevered.


He F-ed (familiarized) himself with the procedure, then he F-ed (facilitated) the cooking process by buying all them ingredients. He F-ed (focused) during the cooking process and F-ed (fine-tuned) and F-ed (flavoured) it to his heart's content.   


And he did it. He cooked.


And to paraphrase the critics' opinions, it was utterly, butterly delicious (ironic that, since no butter was used).


And his name went into F-ed (fabled) territory.  

Cat Amongst The Pigeons

We have all heard of this expression/metaphor/aphorism. So no need to explain it.


Now lets look at it from the footy perspective.


How can you put the proverbial cat amongst the proverbial pigeons as far as footy is concerned?


Lets look at some clubs eh?


Gary fucking Neville going to well, any club?

Roy Keane going to Liverpool? 

Kenny Dalglish becoming manager of manu?

Ashley Cole becoming captain of Arsenal?

Sol Campbell to Spurs?

or even funnier

Arsene Wenger or Tony Adams becoming the next manager of Spurs?

Alan Shearer to Sunderlando?

Paolo di Canio to Roma?

Francesco Totti to Lazio?

St Iker to Barcelona?

Xavi to Real Madrid?

Anyone from West Ham to Millwall and vice versa?

Zidane becoming the next manager of Paris St Germain?

Craig Bellamy to Swansea?

Gordon Strachan to Fenerbache?

Characters

Sometimes, rarely, but sometimes, films manage to cook up some characters who end up being immortal. They become bigger than the movies themselves.

I am going to talk about a few such characters.

And I am going to ignore all the movies based on books or tv series or cartoons etc.

That means, no Batman (no Joker either), no LOTR (so no Aragon or Smeagol or Eowin or Gandalf or Pippin or Merry or Sam), none from the Marvel Universe (so no Wolverine, no Gambit, no Sabretooth) , none from the classics (so no Atticus Finch, no Ichabod Crane etc) none from the Potters (so no Snape, no Malfoy) etc. Deliberately not taking the animations into account. And no one from Star Wars either, coz
a. I can't choose between Han Solo, Chewbacca, Darth Vader, R2D2, Obi Wan Kanobi, Yoda or Jubba the Hut in the awesome rating
b. None of them stole the show on their own, it was more of a collective effort

So here goes.

The Dude - He Abides

Captain Jack Sparrow - From a Disney theme park to one of the most successful movie franchises of all time. Its all because of one man. You know it, I know it. Disney knows it. The whole world knows it. Savvy?

Inspector Jack Cloussau  - The plan was to make a movie about a jewel robbery. An ensemble cast was assembled. And then a crime was committed. A man came, saw and stole the whole movie away from the assembled guests. The man was Peter Sellers and he did such a superbly awesome job that it spawned several sequels, a cartoon series and atrocities committed by Steve Martin.

Indiana Jones - Fedora, dusty jacket, whip. when even the silhouette becomes as famous as anything, you know the character is something special.Plus you have the added bonus of the coolest action sequence in movie history - From raiders of the Lost Arc, a chap comes out and goes all Bruce Leeesqu with 2 scimitars and Indy just pulls out a gun and shoots him, remember?

The Man with No Name (Clint) - John Wayne notwithstanding, the icon and the 1st image that comes to mind when you hear of American cowboys. Granted that a large part of the charisma came because of the success of Good Bad and Ugly and a large reason for the success of that movie was this guy

and don't even get me started on some of the best lines ever written for a movie

"When you wish to shoot, shoot, don't talk"

"You see in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend. Those with loaded guns, and those who dig. You dig."

"Put your drawers on, and take your gun off.

• Don't die, I'll get you water. Stay there. Don't move, I'll get you water. Don't die until later.

• You want to know who you are? Huh? Huh? You don't, I do, everyone does... you're the son of a thousand fathers, all bastards like you.

• Who the hell is that? One bastard goes in, another one comes out.

• You never had a rope around your neck. Well, I'm going to tell you something. When that rope starts to pull tight, you can feel the Devil bite your ass.

• [to a chicken] If you work for a living, why do you kill yourself working?

• I like big fat men like you. When they fall they make more noise and sometimes they never get up!

[Approaching a column of grey-clad cavalry]

Tuco: (shouting) God's with us because he hates the Yanks too!

[Officer pats the grey dust from his blue uniform.]

Blondie: God's not on our side because he hates idiots also.

The Terminator - What's there to say really

Rules, Regulations and New Year Wishes

(in alphabetical order, before the Arsa fans get excited about being 2nd)

Aston Villa -

Thou shalt do all in thy power to make even Mr. EM look good
NYW - Finish above Birmingham


Arsenal -

Thou shalt not practice defending
Thou shalt not score without passing the ball at least 47 times
Thou shalt be more obsessed about Spurs than about thy own results or such mundane things like trophies
Thou shalt whine
NYW - Trophies be damned, lets have more money

Birmingham City -

Thou shalt help Arsenal fulfill their 3rd law by kicking lumps out of them
NYW - Finish above Villa

Blackburn Rovers -

Thou shalt not keep the ball on the ground
Thou shalt employ 23 men and 1 El hadji Diouf and 1 Morten Gamst Pederson
Thou shalt never ever ever forget to roll over for Lord Wrigley's team
NYW - Buy Ronaldinho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blackpool -

Thou shalt entertain by being complete bonkers
NYW - Retain players

Bolton Wanderers (Owen Coyle) -

Thou shalt do miracles like making Bolton attractive and taking them to top 6
Thou shalt do further miracles by making Elmander look like Messi
Thou shalt prove the rest of the world to be pansies by wearing shorts in sub-zero temperatures
NYW - 6th

Chelsea -

Thou shalt ensure that Murphy's Law - if there's a remote chance of anything going wrong, then it will go wrong - is always followed

Winston Bogarde

Adrian Mutu
Ranieri's subs
Ghost goal
Messi's dive
Sacking HIM
Appointing Grim Reaper Grant
Appointing Louis Philip Scolari
John Terry's Studs
Fucking referee
HIM again
Salomon Kalou
Mosquito
NYW - 4th, Avoid Spanish teams in Champs League


Everton -

Thou shalt not win in the first 4-5 months of the season
Thou shalt not lose in the last 4 months of the season
Thou shalt ensure that Superman wear Tim Cahill pyjamas

NYW - Finish above pool




Fulham -


When you are in row Z
And the ball comes and smacks your head
Its Zamoraaaa
NYW - Get relegated (by buying Santa Cruz)





Liverpool -


Thou shalt epitomize the football equivalent of Godwin's Law by mentioning netspend
Save RAFA
NYW - Save RAFA

Manchester City -

Thou shalt assemble the most expensive assortment of nutters and football player impersonators the world has ever seen
No matter what, thou shalt play at least 4 defensive midfielders all the time
NYW - Finish above Manu


Manchester United -

Thou shalt try tirelessly to produce the ugliest team the world has ever seen (for that purpose, thou shalt employ hermaphrodites, lampposts, thugs, ninjas, ogres and the lovechild of Satan and a chihuahua
NYW - Buy some referrees





Newcastle United  -


Thou shalt ensure that no matter what happens elsewhere, everyone can make fun of thee

NYW - Lard knows



Stoke City -



Its Pulis's Way or the Highway




Sunderland -

Thou shalt ensure that no matter what, Sir Wrigley get 6 points off of thee


NYW - Finish above Newcastle



Tottenham Hotspurs -



Thou shalt somehow combine to be the most exciting as well as the most comical team around
Thou shalt be more obsessed about Arse than about thy own results or such mundane things like trophies

NYW - Sky is the limit




West Bromwich Albion -


Thou shalt do thy best to be the football equivalent of a yo-yo
NYW - Survival


West Ham -

Thou shalt be worse than diarrhoea
NYW - Clone Scott Parker





Wigan Athletic -


Even in this day and age, thou shalt somehow manage to find footballers whom noone has ever heard of
Even in this day and age, thou shalt somehow continue t obe a football club despite having no supporters
NYW - Survival


Wolverhampton Wanderers -

Thou shalt either play crap but survive or play well and get relegated
NYW - Wins

WIKILEAKS EXPOSE

In Saudi Arabia, there was a very rich man who had lots of wives. The 10th one of these gave birth to a baby boy.

They named the wee lad Osama.

When he was little, he was a normal boy, interested in girls, cartoons, football.


But as he started growing up, he started obsessing about religion and philosophy. He gave up his studies and employed all his time in the study of Islamic philosophies. He soon became very attracted towards the thoroughly brainless and ultimately self-destructing idealism of Sayyid Qutb called Qutbism (a precusror of things to come one might say).


Having been thoroughly brainwashed, he decided on Jihad and went to the land of the Fucking Idiots - Pakistan.


It was while in Pakistan that he first started watching English football. And being a lover of guns and guerrillas, he decided to support Arsenal. Why you ask?

Well because he thought that Arsenal had guerrillas in its ranks. It was much later that he realised that there were no guerrillas, just 4 gorillas by the name of Adams, Keown, Dixon and Winterburn.


Osama never did anything by half. Having decided to support Arsenal, he decided to support them wholeheartedly. He started hating all Americans, Heretics, Jews and Tottenham fans. He kept on donating huge chunks of money for jihad and for Arsenal to build their new stadium/mausoleum.


But he lost it, he totally lost it at the beginning of the millennium when Arsenal won diddly squat for the 3rd year running despite having a team of Keown, Adams, Seaman, Viera, Bergkamp, Wiltord, Henry, Ljunberg, Pires and Ashley Cole. What broke the camel's back, so to speak, was Wenger's decision to shore up the team with such luminaries as Igor Stepanovs, Gilles Grimandi, Oleg Luzhni et all.....more or less at the same time that Chelsea bought Frank Lampard.


He became convinced that Arsene Wenger is a fucking idiot and that it was an American-Zionist conspiracy to convert his club to a laughing stock.


All the while shouting "Allahu Akbar" and "Death to America! Death to Israel!! Death to Tottenham!!!", he forced his followers to perpetrate attacks on Americans, Jews and Tottenham fans all over the world.


He survived the American invasion, the worldwide hunt, even Tottenham's ascension to the Champions League.

But rumours abound that he committed suicide the day he got news that Wenger had signed Silvestre to solve all of Arsenal's defensive problems.

Filmy Stuff of the Year

Its end of the year and every Tom, Dick and fucking idiot everywhere is going around making lists. Cheapo being one of those highly conscientious journalists and critics, he decided to make a list also. About movies no less. Well movies that he saw this years.

And well you will see lots of animation and action movies/thrillers. Cheapo did not watch a lot of artsy fartsy la-di-dah movies this year. Blame Uber for that. She has taken the fun out of making fun of the la-di-dahs.


So here goes.


Best Film - Kick Ass and Inception



Best Director - Christopher Nolan for Inception



Best Supporting Actor - Khalid Abdallah (Freddy) in Green Zone [I thought he was Arabic, turns out he was born and brought up in Glasgow...live and learn eh]

and

Zack Galifanikis in Due Date ( the lad's getting typecast but boy what a type)


Best Chemistry -

Jospeh Gordon Levitt and Tom Hardy in Inception


Best Dialogue Ever -

"How do you know my name?" - Donkey in Shrek


Best Villain -

Mark Strong (Robin Hood and Kick Ass)
Rumpelstiltskin (Shrek)
Mickey Rourke (Iron Man 2) 
Ralph Fiennes (Clash of the Titans and Potter)
Kitty Galore (Cats and Dogs)
Alfred Molina (The Sorcerer's Apprentice)

Best Actress - Chloe Grace Moretz (Hit Girl) in Kick Ass




Best Actor - dammit can't think of any stand out performances so have to go with Leo


 
Best FX - Inception


Lamest Fx - Medusa and Kracken in Clash of the Titans

lamer than Arsene Wenger's excuses; never thought that would be possible but live and learn eh


Best Cinematography - Shutter Island



with a completely predictable story-line, cinematography is the best USP for the film



Best Kiddy Film - The Sorcerer's Apprentice

geeky kid - check

Nicolas Cage - check

Alfred Molina - check

good story - check

lots of magic - check

Monica Belluci (for the fathers, elder brothers etc of kids) - check


Best non-Sci Fi Thriller - Green Zone


Best Comedy - Due Date

Utterly brainless, utterly funny


Best Action - The A Team

Plane blows off another plane; tank with parachute drops from blown-off plane; blows off 1st plane; then flies through air using missiles


Best Animation Films

Despicable Me

Shrek Forever After

How to Train your Dragon

Toy Story 3


Lamest Ending - Prince of Persia

pissed me off the most; great beginning and they couldn't think of anything else


Best Ending - Green Zone

a. after a frantic and awesome chase, Freddi comes out of nowhere and shoots the General and delivers the line "It is not for you to decide what happens here"

b. the mail that Miller sends cc to the media of the world



Surprisingly Good - Percy Jackson

changed a lot from the book but was quite pleasant and enjoyable in the end



Surprisingly Bad - Robin Hood


prime contender for worst movie of the year; awesome cast, good director; cracking background materials to work with and they came up with this???? what a waste




Predictions for 2011


Best Film - POTC on Stranger Tides


Best Actor - see above

Sexiest pirate ever in human history - Penelope Cruz


Best Animated Film - Kaboom of Doom


Highest Grosser - Potter 8 (easiest prediction in human history)

Evolution of the Wellbeloved

Creationist Version (as written in the Book of Clackalackadackdack)


On day 1, that highly Confused Fella, who can't decide whether he is the father or the son or whether he is a fucking ghost decided, having been bored silly, decided to create light and ergo days and nights etc etc.

Then he started thinking what to do with all that. Being a bit of a lazy bum, on the 2nd day, he only created skies.

On the 3rd day, havin been scolded by his wife Mrs Fella for being lazy, he created oceans and earth and plants et all.

On the 4th day, he created the sun, the moon, the stars etc.

On the 5th and 6th days, he started creating all manners of creatures, those who could fly, those who could swim, those who had bollocks and even a creature who couldn't do anything and had no bollocks - this last entity he named Wellbeloved.

On the 7th day, he created football. he created 3 teams. One represented Goodness - it was named Chelsea. One represented Evil - it was named Mancheste fucking United. The 3rd team represented children and the need for the children to be regularly spanked by the bigger boys. This team he called Arsenal.


But this post ain't about football - it's about the Wellbeloveds.


By the end of the 6th day, Adam and Eve had already started fucking like there's no tomorrow......well to be fair to them, at that particular point of time, there was no tomorrow.


Anyway, the Wellbeloved peeped on the two doing their stuff - thereby becoming the first voyeur (a tradition which its descendants have been carrying on; only the other day, the current Wellbeloved contracted poison ivy on his penis after wanking while peeping into a boys' kindergarten class) and became sad.


He petitioned the Confused Fella. He claimed that he is lonely and he needs to have sex.


The Confused Fella pointed out that Wellbeloved has no bollocks. Wellbeloved countered by saying "But you are the Mighty Confused, I don't want bollcoks, I just want to ensure the continuance of my species."

The Confused One started thinking. He kept on thinking and thinking and thinking and finally came up with a solution...


He told Wellbeloved. "Thou shalt never have bollocks of any kind, thou and thy descendants shalt be despised and made fun of for all eternity. But since thee wanteth new generations, I will ensure that in every generation there will be born amongst mankind some Fucking Idiots who will become insanely fond of the Wellbeloveds. Thee and thy descendants will have sex with these fucking idiots. And though thee and thy descendants will never have bollocks, by a feat of Confused Miracle, the fruit of the union will result in progenies. These creatures will be Half-Man and Half-Beloved and ergo shall be called Manbeloveds."


The Confused Fella being mightily confused never thought about the consequences of his proclamations. True the Wellbeloveds got their fucking idiots and multiplied but they also remained forever Manbeloveds or in other words gay.


The current Wellbeloved, a very religious and traditional entity, follows the Confused Fella literally. Ergo, not only is he gay, but following the confusion in his god, he does not know whether to love the father or the son and have ended up with incestuous sexual feelings towards all male babies.

The Things Cheapo has to Do

Everyone knows that Cheapo is a helpful guy (whenever he can be arsed enough to get out of bed that is). But recently his habit of helping the populace has reached epic, not to mention embarrassing proportions.


You see, Cheapo's friend The Wellbeloved Family Doormat Awfully Wee Crybaby had been suffering from mental as well as physical constipation for a long time.


Symptoms - "Wellbeloved is my god; I belong to Wellbeloved; His crap is my essence; His pee is my nectar; His fart my perfume; All hail Wellbeloved etc etc" and acute stomach pain.


Ergo hospital ahoy.


And following the laws of the excellent Mr. Murphy, the hospital just had to be miles (kilometres for the up-to-date readership) from both Cheapo's home and office.


And of course following the laws of that fella Sod, the hospital authorities had to christen her Mrs. Crybaby.....thereby confusing the hell out of a hospital full of doctors, nurses, cleaning stuff etc regarding just who the hell Cheapo is -father? brother? grandfather? benevolent uncle? sugar daddy? etc etc (because Crybaby looks like she is 14, while conservative estimates suggest that Cheapo looks at least early 40s)


And then there were tests.....the lucky so and so got to ride wheelchairs and stretchers et all while Cheapo was stuck with and had to trudge along with what seemed like about half a dozen different pieces of luggage....why women carry so much stuff is one of those mysteries that will probably never be solved.


Anyway the tests confirmed what Cheapo suspected all along - that Crybaby is a fucking idiot and that she was suffering appendicitis (despite Uber's protestations and convictions to the contrary).


Well, she got a room - with a tv with no sports channels and a fan which kept going away from Cheapo's couch. And she got her operation. And she is fine now.


So far so good yeah?


Anyway as she was in hospital, she had to have a companion right? Shifts were made, lots were drawn and Cheapo got the morning slot 6Am-12Pm (Cheapo had to go to work after that every day - the less said about that the better).


What does it mean?


It means that Cheapo had to wake up at 4.30 Am everyday and walk for miles (or kms if ye prefer) to get autos.


[In fact Cheapo walked more in the last 3 or 4 days than he had done in the whole of last year.]


And of course it rained.


Uber having scared the bejeejus off the security guards, at least there weren't any access problems. Rumours also abound that due to the fear of Uber, at certain points of time there were as many as 4 or 5 people in Crybaby's room, while all other rooms had only 2 - 1 patient, 1 attendant.


Anyway, to come to the worst part.


The day of discharge arrived.


Crybaby started crying that she doesn't have a thing to wear and thus devised a plan of action so inexplicable and ill-conceived, it would have made Captain Scott's polar expeditions a byword for proper planning and efficiency.


Cheapo being a calm, cool, collected, intelligent and generous clackalackadackdack devised an alternative plan whereby he went out to buy her a skirt.


So he went out. He saw a shop. He approached the shop (all on foot btw). He saw saleslady. He asked saleslady if skirts are available.



Upon which he got a look of utter contempt and disgust and loathing and shock and horror and repugnance and pique and outrage and....well in short...the sort of look that our resident gay pedophile Wellbeloved deserves and gets from the parents and guardians of babies and toddlers and all other right thinking decent human beings.



First Uber's claims that Cheapo is as useless as Ayushman of the Bossturds.

Then Uber's threats of GBH for cracking innocent jokes.

Now, a look reserved for gay pedophiles.




There is no justice in the world. And there certainly is no advantage in being a generally decent, honest, hard-working individual.