What A Day

Well, it was an interesting day to say the least.

It started off with Fat Uncle Cheapo looking like a Pakistani terrorist and ended with him looking like a Qatari luj character prince.

Those of you who are privy to confidential and sensitive information know that Fat Uncle Cheapo had gone to the city of ex-gardens.

Those who are just privy are full of shit.

Anyway, so he boarded the bus. Immediately, 2 young lads...…from the accent Punjabi…..started calling all and sundry to vote for Jatin and Akshita in some online “context”(sic).  Cheapo couldn’t figure out whether it was a singing competition, a dancing completion or whether they had uploaded their fuck video but after a point of time Cheapo started wishing that he had mobile net access just to log into that site and vote for the other teams as many times as possible.

Nothing much happened in the bus – A Mercedes Benz btw…so now Cheapo can claim that he had ridden a Benz…now only if females of the species stopped saying ‘Ewwwwww’ to him, he could contemplate riding….. – except that they played one of the most atrocious movies Cheapo have ever had the misfortune to see – Partner. First it was Telugu Don, then a 80s romantic movie with a lame Sanjay Dutt and Madhuri Dixit, then a movie where all the Deols were boxers and now this. Damn, Cheapo can’t catch a break.

The only other thing that was even remotely interesting was that the guy sitting beside Cheapo started complaining about stinky socks and asked all and sundry about their socks. Experiments proved that it wasn’t any of theirs. Cheapo has grave suspicions that it was the guy’s own socks stinking up the place, and he did the whole performance to divert suspicion.

Oo, oo not to forget, the bus had stopped at a dhaba type of thing for dinner. People had got down for food, stretching legs and peeing. So, these 2 heroines had also gone down. They were still standing and chatting while most others were back. Now the bus driver had to move the bus a little to facilitate some other vehicle.  He started the bus and moved it about 6 inches before shouts of “ohhh nooooo”, “please don’t leave us”, “stop please stop” etc permeated the clam night accompanied by the heroines running helter-skelter.

All for six inches!!! Damn, size does matter to girls, doesn’t it? To borrow the phrase of our cousins and overlords from USAUSAUSA (invading a country near you), Cheapo strikes out again.

As it transpired, the bus reached the place at 5.30 in the morning. It was dark and foggy times and the Sandman was asleep so heavily that he wasn’t picking up the phone. So Cheapo had no option but to get down and get an auto – mind you he only remembered the name of main road, not the bylane nor the house.

So the auto ride started and within 5 minutes Cheapo was stuck in the middle of a big ass flower market.  Imagine if you will……

Its 5.45 in the morning. Its pitch dark, full of fog and there is an incessant drone coming from the buzzing of hundreds of people intent on doing business with tonnes of flowers surrounding you.

Ahhh, the sight!!!! The sound!!!! The smell!!!! The clackalackadackdack!!!!!!


And the Sandman still slept

Anyway, after passing all that, Cheapo finally arrived at the awesomely named Avenue Road, Where he promptly got lost. You see Cheapo remembered that the Sandman lived in Avenue Road, but he had, in his own useless way, forgotten the number of the junction as well as the landmark.

So, there was no option but to tackle every lane and by lane. So he started doing that. So at 6 in the morning in a foggy dark unknown place people are just waking up and finding a weird looking dude loitering around suspiciously. 


And the Sandman still slept

So guess what happened next?

Yep, that’s right. Cheapo gets picked up by the police for “questioning”.

Policeman: What do you want?

Cheapo: I got lost looking for my friend's place.

Policeman: What friend?

C: Sandesh Raju

P: Where does he stay?

C; Don't know, that's why I got lost

P; Who are you? Where are you coming from?

C: Am Fat Uncle Cheapo from Kolkata

P: But you are loitering here with no address and anything. Come to the police station with us.

C: But I am a friend of Uber.

P: Oh sorry Sir!! I didn't know Sir. Its ok Sir. Please carry on Sir. Can I help you in any way Sir? etc etc etc

The Uber moves in mysterious ways.

And then Sandman finally woke up

After an interlude involving lots of food, lots of coffee, lots of dogs (3 - all of them as big as Cheapo) and lots of curses to fate and females of the species for failing to notice the awesomeness of the protagonists, evening arrived.




And then Cheapo got hijacked and abducted. But more of that later.




First, Cheapo had to meet Chinki the Great. You see Cheapo was carrying some highly sensitive stuff from  one city to the other (kinda like a drug mule, but without stuff getting shoved up his...) and he had to give said stuff to the Great One.




So, they fixed up an appointment. And Cheapo arrived at the designated spot. 


And so did the la-di-dahs, the wastrels, the never do wells, and predictably the police (yes again...but this time they contended themselves with looking at him with furrowed brows et all - they moved away after a while.....whether because they got bored, or got instructions regarding Uber or because Cheapo was lobbing well directed audio olfactory extravaganzas at them is debatable). 




Following the ancient and noble traditions of her species, The Great One was fashionably late. And she promptly got lost as well.




Now how anyone can miss the svelte and stunning figure of Fat Uncle Cheapo is open for discussion, but somehow even that was managed.




Anyway, passwords were interchanged and confirmed. The handover was done. The secret signals were passed. And they went their separate ways.




It was at this time that the Sandman hijacked Cheapo and took him to a saloon to make him look less like a terrorist.




Beards were trimmed, moustaches were harassed. 




And i nthe end Cheapo ended up looking like a Qatari luj character prince. 




But that wasnt the end. 


The barbarian lad asked Cheapo if he wanted a head massage. Cheapo said yes. 




So the Barbarian promptly strapped Cheapo down and then sprayed some acid on his face. While Cheapo was shouting with pain, the barbarian then opened a jar and put lumps of foul fruity smelling lumps of chemicals all over his face. But it wasnt over.




Then the barbarian took out a head-shrinking device and tried to crush Cheapo's skull....all the while laughing maniacally.....when even that didn't work and  Cheapo refused to submit, he started applying boiling water all over Cheapo's face.


Cheapo finally broke free and the barbarian ran away. 



Later investigations proved that


a. the barbarian was an agent of Cheapo's nemesis - that notorious woman seducer Great Indian Chunkubaaz, who after terrorizing boudis in Kolkata, Hyderabad, Delhi and Gurgaon, have shifted base to Bangalore


b. that's how apparently people get facials - allegedly to look better; a pointless exercise in futility if there ever was one




Cheapo looks the same shade of horrible hideous ugliness after the torture as he did before