What would Wayne Rooney Say

When all hope seems gone
When everything seems dark

When life seems to have lost all meaning
When the very act of breathing seems a chore
When the present seems unbearable and the future looks bleak
When it seems that you have nothing but a lifetime of despair and misery to look forward to



Just ask yourself one question




What would Wayne Rooney say?






Who? Who is this paragon of wit and intelligence that can beguile the masses with his sermonizing skills? Who is this most eloquent of all orators that carries on the tradition of Aristotle, Plato, Socrates, Marcus Antonius, Buddha, Jesus, Vladimir, Adolf and Chairman Mao??




I shall tell you.




In Scouserland in the late 80s of the previous century was born a wee lad who looked like the illegitimate offspring of an ogre and a potato.



Those who were with him at the moment of his birth became convinced of his future greatness when, unlike any other baby in the world, upon spanked in the bottom by the doctor, the 1st sounds that came out of his mouth wasn't waaaahhh but


"What? Fucking What?"



A few years later, the wee orcito was put in a school where they tried to teach him the Scouse alphabet.



A is for apple
B is for banana

et etc



It is at W that the trouble usually started. The only sound that used to come out of the wee ogrito's mouth upon hearing W was


What? Fucking What?





The poor lad never managed to learn the joys of X, Y and Z (and failed geometry as a result).



Seeing that the little ogre was to studies was Oedipus was to healthy family relationships, his parents decided to teach him footy.


They took them to the Toffee Footy Academy where they met the Tracksuited Glasgewian, who asked the young fella, "So do ye want to play footy all yer life?"


the response



What? Fucking what?



Years passed. The little orc grew up to be a massively ugly orc and fell in love with a nurse.



He went and got down on one knee and opened up a box of ring and said



What? Fucking What?

Gorging

1 plate chicken biriyani, 1 plate reshmi kebab, 1 shahi nawabi chicken curry followed by chocolate chip ice cream, all washed down with a bottle of Pepsi.


If you are wondering, that was my dinner yesterday, and before anyone asks, no i am not not supposed to  have 4 of the 5 items mentioned above.

So why then did I have them?


Here is why.

Reason Uno

I woke up in the morning and realised that in my infinite wisdom, I had not only forgotten to keep my food in the fridge the night before but had also forgotten to give Baldrick his nightly dose of electricity - he spent the whole night with a half-empty stomach.


So after packing semi-stale food and with a half-hearted Baldrick, I set forth.


Soon, however, I realised that it is not going to work. There was no way in GaryfuckingNevilleLand that Baldrick was going to take me all the way to the office.

Extreme calculations followed.

I figured that I had to park him somewhere and travel the remaining distance in one of the vehicles from GaryfuckingNevilleLand, or in other words, an auto.


But where to park?


In the parking lot of a hospital zone of course!!!


Think about it, what is the 1 place for vehicles where parking is not only free but also safe?


Exactly.


And before anyone starts complaining about the ethics or morality of it, well I was ethical, moral and honest for 29 years - did it help? 


So that problem was over.


I boarded an auto...and then...and only then...realised that I am going through a temporary cashruptcy problem.

Make no mistake, I literally have hundreds of thousands stashed away in the banks. However, in my infinitely marvelous wisdom, I have forgotten my ATM PIN. So, I am currently in a situation where I can book a flight easily, but can't pay for an auto.


Anyway, thankfully I had the bare minimum cash that day to avoid embarrassment and a possible beating.


And then I got vindicated.You see, for years, I have been saying that 'feminists' were created to destroy the world. In all probability the Great Indian Chunkubaaz had something to do with it. 

And its not even something I cooked up. A respected professor (though there are allegations that she is a vampire from Vancouver) of a respected university had told all her students to read this theory and to write papers on it.

This paper, written by a feminist herself, finally revels the truth - that all feminists are cyborgs!!!!!! [Those arguing that all cyborgs can be feminists just need to see the Terminator films {The 1st 2, not the shower of shite that was the 3rd]}]

If you don't believe me, read this - http://gendermediatechnology.weebly.com/uploads/5/2/8/6/5286294/cyborg_manifesto.pdf

So, once I stopped reading that (couldn't finish...man I know you literary philosophical types demand to be taken seriously, but there is no excuse to write something so forking boring....even watching paint dry would be more exciting....come on people, a wee bit of razz-muh-tazz never hurts anyone) I had to do something to get the gray cells active again.

And so I started doing the crossword puzzle.

45 minutes!!! That's how long it took me to finish it. One of my best performances to date. And the only word to have stumped me was egresses. And I never even checked a dictionary. I swear on Branislav Ivanovich's oddly shaped head.









45 minutes!!! That's how long it took me to finish it. One of my best performances to date. And the only word to have stumped me was egresses.

And I never even checked a dictionary.

I swear on Branislav Ivanovich's marvelously oddly shaped head.



All this demanded a celebration.



And there is only 1 kind of celebration you can do when you are all alone - eat.



Reason Dos



Well now that I have been more or less disqualified from the human race (possibly for farting anywhere and everywhere), as a reason of which I have been depressed, dejected, miserable (blah blah blah) for weeks, it was high time I treated myself.


No one else does.



Reason Tres


Some of you already know that I have recently taken up an interest, hobby, cause.


My target - 5 kilograms (11 pounds for citizens of USAUSAUSA) of weight in 2 weeks.


And achieving such a target needs not only dedication but lots of chewing and digesting.

Thank Sod for Religion eh

Yep, I am thanking religion, you know the thing that is the first and last excuse of one group of people who want to kill another group of people.


All of you who know me, really know me know that I can fall under either of three categories - Pastafarian or Agnostic or Jedi.


Basically, I have no time for a mass murdering sadist/masochist with existential dilemma or a mass murdering pedophile with delusions of grandeur or a mass murdering mass seducing stealer of women's clothes or a mass murdering mass destroying wife killing pothead or even someone who for all practical purposes just ran away.


I would rather eat pasta and worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster.


Unfortunately, or rather for comedic relief fortunately, my fellow Indians have a very narrow list of possibilities when it comes to religions.


As a result of which I have become the most secular person in history.


This is how.


All the maids, guards, watchmen think I am Muslim.


All those who have passed high school think I am a Christian.


All those who can associate my surname with the Bong naming conventions think I am a Hindu.


All those who have asked me what I am have usually gotten the answer "a fat buddha (geriatric)". Naturally, they have taken it up as meaning that I am a Buddhist.


So that's 4 of the top 5 religions in the pocket then. The 5th is probably missing only because the average Indian has no clue what the Jewish religion is.

Coconomics

Ever since our ancestors decided that getting off the trees might be a good career move, we, that is human beings, have been fascinated by wealth.

However, what constitutes wealth has changed from time to time.


At the beginning, a man's wealth was judged by the number of women he owned.


Then it turned into land or cows. Make no mistake, men's desire for women in wholesale amounts continued for a long time, and let's face it, some silly sods still have it.  Thankfully, wome are the not the basis of currency any more.


[Seriously, think about it, instead of cash, u get paid with the currency of women. 1 Uber, and that too only as a friend, is enough to terrify, petrify, horrify and scare the living heebiejeebies out of me, just imagine say 10 of her species as payment at the end of every month.

Nightmares ahoy!@!!!!!


Kill me, kill me now!!!!! ]



And then there was gold. I don't really know when gold first became important (some nerd somewhere must have done research on it......and sigh :-( i would really like to read it), but boy did it become important. It still is and till Armageddon, probably will remain as such.


Gold, or money, became the true mover and shaker of wealth. Its still pretty damn heavy to carry around though.


Then came liquid gold, or petrol.


Nowadays, gold and liquid gold take pride of place as the top movers and shakers of world economy.


Well, at least it used to, till the modern economists came into the fore. Modern economy now runs on air, on promises and future speculations.


And the worst aspect is that the only people who can have a slice of the wealth pie are the already wealthy. For us, poor plebs, there is nothing to look forward to but a lifetime of misery and hard work.


Which brings me to one of my inferences - never evvvvver allow an economist to run anything, not a football club, not a country, not anything important. (There will be a different blog about who should be allowed to run countries and who should be deported to Pakistan)



Well, if you chart the progress of wealth, you will see that wealth has steadily become more and more abstract.

Think about it.


First, we have women - definitely concrete.


Then there were lands and cows - still concrete.


Then gold - less concrete only due to the fact that most people never see an ounce of gold in thier lifetimes anyway.


Petrol will be an abstract thing, to be found only in museums, in about 50-100 years of time.



But false promises, hoodwinks, speculations and downright lies are as abstract as you can get.


Sadly, the whole world has fallen prey to this disease.

No, I tell a lie.



There is a group of people who still cling on to the old ways - so to speak. They don't believe in land, in gold, in petrol, in promises, in air - what they do believe in is Coconomics, the economy of coconuts.


Yep, am talking about the Mallus.


You see, the Mallu people are intricately conjoined with coconuts.



Let me present to you some evidence to support that hypothesis.


Look at their mythology. Irrespective of religious affiliation, all Mallus celebrate Onam.

But what is Onam?


You see, in those ancient times, when luj character gods used to loiter around the country, there was this Mallu king called Mahavali. He had millions of acres of land where he grew billions of coconut trees.



One day, a dwarf came to his kingdom.

He said, "Yo king, I hear you are like all generous and stuff. Give me some coconut trees."

The king said, "Ok dwarf, here is a coconut. Throw it. I'll give you all the coconut trees in the area you can cover with the throw."

The dwarf said cool and then turned into a Yeti or Bigfoot. He then threw the coconut as high as possible and it fell on the king with such force that the king got buried.


So the dwarf took over the whole kingdom.


Look at Mallu history.


Do you know that Christopher Columbus actually reached the Mallu shores?


Oh yes, he did. Historians often ignore this but he he did come. He never landed though.

You wanna know why?


Well the day he tried to land, the Mallus were celebrating something. They were dressed in their kathakali finery and were cooking banana chips with coconut oil. The smell was so atrociously, horribly bad and the dresses of the Mallus so weird that it made Columbus went:"Mio Dio! Abbiamo raggiunto l'inferno! Si prega di Dio salvaci salvaci" and sailed away in the opposite direction as far as possible.



Just think, them Americans owe their existence to coconuts!!!!


Let's look at Mallu society then


When Mallu girls get married, they take dozens/hundreds/thousands/millions of coconuts along with them as dowry.


Look at the buffet menu at the weddings/birthdays/whatever else they celebrate


Coconut Sherbet
Coconut Soup
Coconut Salad
Coconut Fry
Banana Chips (in coconut oil)
Cocount Dal
Coconut Rice
Coconut Achar
Coconut Chutney
Chicken/Mutton/Beaf in Coconut Gravy
Fish in Coconut Gravy
Coconut Chutney
Coconut Payasam

and of course

Coconut Water


A typical scene in a Mallu market would be

Man 1: I like this shirt.

Man 2: It costs 25 coconuts.

Man 1: 25!!! Man Alive. Are you crazy? I will give you 10 coconuts


You get the picture.



Now you all must be wondering "What in the name of ectoplasm do the Mallus do with all these coconuts?"


The answer is - EVERYTHING


According to anthropologists, sociologists etc etc,


the Mallus:


Eat Coconuts
Drink Coconut water
Sleep on mattresses made of Coconuts
Use Coconut Oil for:

1. Cooking
2. Garnishing alcohol
3. Anti-dandruff, anti-lice Shampoo
4. Body massages
5. Make up
6. Putting on cuts (you knows Anti-septic; instead of Dettol, they use Parachute)
7. Washing powder
8. Toothpaste

The all time 'hittest' tv show in Mallu land is one about the Life of a Coconut Tree

They also allegedly coconuts as sex toys (don't ask, the mind boggles)

Land of the Lost

aka

How Cheapo stole the show

aka

The Curious Case of the Missing Chappals

Here it is


Chronicling the chronicles of our very own Fat Uncle Cheapo in the land 
so confused they can't even figure out what their name is. Sometimes 
they claim it is Tatanagar, sometimes they claim it is Jamshedpur.

As you might have become aware, Cheapo's oldest friend Merriaduck 
Brandybuck (they have been buddies since the Jurassic Age........Cheapo 
has even forgotten the number of times ole Brandy had saved Cheapo from 
them triceratops and velociraptors) fell in luw with a Leonardo da Vinci 
painting and decided to get married.

Being the 21st century, there was no problemo in an inter-special (man 
and painting) marriage. The only problem, the marriage was scheduled in 
the aforementioned land of the lost.

Naturally, Brandy invited Cheapo. Naturally, Cheapo accepted. Naturally, 
the Maoists got to know of Cheapo's impending arrival and made threats 
to kidnap him. They allegedly made preparations also; for example, they 
bought a crane. But the Cheapo is no coward (except in front of Uber). 
After the amount of thrashings and beatings and pulverisings that he had 
received at the hands and feet of Uber, Maoist threats induced no fear 
in him.

Anyway, the mere mention of the name of Uber made them go back into hiding.


Next problem - the train was scheduled at 6 in the fing morning. Yes 
that's right 6. So, Cheapo had to wake up at 4 (this after he had flown 
all the way from Hyd to Kol the night before, he had reached home only 
around 1130 in the night). He reached the appointed pick up spot even 
before the groom could arrive.

Anyway, they proceeded towards the station (with only a small break for 
buying garlands - people completely ignored Cheapo's suggestion of 
buying garlands made of hibiscus [traditionally worn by goats just 
before they are sacrificed] - and they reached the station) The rest of 
the party soon arrived and there was much confusion regarding Cheapo's 
identity (there was intense speculation [more than even Wolverine's 
origins]0 - There were rumours about Cheapo being a Caribbean 
drug-dealer, a Nigerian scamster, a murderer on the run {metaphorically 
of course}, an Al Qaeda suicide bomber or even the worst of them all, an 
amateur poet.


Well, at least the train was AC. Having bagged a window seat, Cheapo 
then proceeded to pursue some intellectual activity. namely reading the 
newspaper.


And then there was cake.

But, but, but. but alas sniff, sigh, sob, sorrow, misery, despondency - Cheapo couldn't eat the cake. You see, he was scared of the looish arrangements available in the land of the lost; so he didn't want to put pressure on the stomach.

So, with a heavy heavy heart (ironic that, due to the medical condition of said organ) he, and the rest of the populace, reached the land of the lost.

Consternation ensued.

You see, Grandma Uncle Cheapo had repeatedly informed Fat Uncle Cheapo that Land of the Lost will be bloody cold. Fat Uncle Cheapo being a cold blooded clackalackadackdack, really looked forward to it. But alas, it was not to be.

The place was as hot as Uber.

So, the moment, nay the minute, nay the second Cheapo got out of the train, he started sweating. 

Well, after some last minute calculations involving which vehicle would be able to hold Cheapo without breaking down, they all proceeded towards the destination.

[Aside nice wee town, lots of greenery, lots of cows]

They reached the place and lo and behold

NYUM NYUM NYUM 

Luchi, potato curry, rosogollas

I reiterate NYUM NYUM NYUM 

However, the heat kept on rising. And looking at the sleeping arrangements, Cheapo realised that there is no way in Pakistan he would be able to sleep if he stayed there the night.

Anyway, chronologically speaking, after the NYUM NYUM NYUM, it was time to throw turmeric mixed with mustard oil (Bong wedding what do u expect) at the groom.

Mutiny!@!! Revolt!!!!Rebellion!!!!Insubordination!!!!!!

They put the evil concoction on Cheapo's face, and more heinously in his beard too. (one disadvantage of being a toddler is that when u grow up, you still can't shout at people who have seen u as a toddler - the groom's aunt being the person committing the atrocities on Cheapo's beard)

Cheapo felt like a fish fry.

Anyway such indignities aside, the afternoon passed off more or less peacefully. Well, Cheapo had to carry wimmin's make up kit (as part of gifts from groom's family to bride's family - its a Bong thing......gifts which also strangely and weirdly included a big ass fish with a 'pan' stuck inside its mouth) and because of the heat he lost more or less 10-12 litres of sweat.

Also, having seen the facilities for the groom's entourage and knowing the condition of his most excellent health, Cheapo declared that for him to stay in a non-ac room without dying, hell has to first freeze over or Arsenal needs to win something - whichever came first. So, the groom, on the day of his wedding, had to think about accommodation for the fat disturbing element. 

Cheapo got an AC room in a hotel in the city. Coz of scarcity of rooms, he had to share it with the groom's aunt. 

And she snores

Boy does she snore. 

Anyway on came evening, and just coz this is Cheapo, the heat increased. 

After toying with the idea of dressing up for exactly 2 and a half minutes, Cheapo decided, for the sake of his health and the sanity of others, to preserve normalcy - result shorts and t-shirt. 

Suffice to say it was a sort of surprise to say the least for the assembled plebs at the wedding venue. Rumour has it that the ladies especially cursed the hell out of Cheapo - all their finery and jewellery and the kilos of lipstick and face powder/cream all went in vain.

No one looked at them, hell no one even looked at the bride or groom. 

Guess who the centre of attention was?

That's right

Well, realising that Cheapo is useless and more or less a 'dharti ka bojh' the assembled intelligentsia decided to use his one quality - his ability to sit at the same place with negligible movement and no locomotion for hours at an end.  They handed the groom's wedding footwear to Cheapo for safekeeping. Apparently people steal those and then extort the groom for money.

Yes people, nothing is more religious and honest and sacred in an Indian wedding than a spot of theft, blackmail, extortion etc. 

Strange people, us Indians.  

Cheapo sat on it.

But he made a mistake.  

People, a word of advice, never underestimate the tenacity, determination, guts,  bloody-mindedness and sheer suicidal nature of Bong aunties.   

All of a sudden, while Cheapo was dreaming of naked women playing football while Cheapo was eating ice-cream,  one member of that suicidal species of Bong aunties and crawled under Cheapo's chair and abducted the chappals. 

Cheapo decided that pondering about the Bong people is as futile an exercise as keeping Zlatan in a team playing the Champs League and went off in search of food.

And it was good, really nyum nyum nyum (despite the presence of copious quantities of salad and Ganeshas curved out of cucumbers and brinjals)

Oh one final thing, some of ye are married, some of ye want to be married, but all of you will agree that having in-laws is a headache right?

Now, in normal  circumstances, you have 1 pair of in-laws, if you are unlucky you end up with 2 or 3 pairs or even 4 pairs. 

Guess how many, our lad Merriaduck Brandybuck ended up with...

Come on come on guess

12 pairs

Metros and Onions

Hwat is the similarity between an onion and the Delhi metro??


Well, they both have layers, many many layers and they have both made the Cheapo cry.


Ye see, the Delhi metro people, in a surprising bit of intelligence, have figured that there is only so much space on land. So they went over it and under it. As a result, parts of the thing are like that Spiderman metro thingy - on specially high tracks - and parts of it are underground.


But even underground seemed inadequate, so they went and dug further and created levels of undergroundedness!!!!


That brings us to the funnest stations - Rajiv Chowk and New Delhi Railway station.


RC - It has more levels than a post-modern post-metaphysical post-surrealist post-intelligent piece of poetry on potassium.


NDRS - Not only does it have a metro station, but also one of the 3 train stations of Delhi and to put icing on the cake, the shuttle train to the new airport [without a doubt, the most awesome train Cheapo has ever traveled in...simply astounding in every way]


But hwhy did Cheapo cry?


Well, being a Bong (albeit a disqualified one - he allegedly called communists fucking idiots and claimed that he can draw better than that bearded luj character Tagore) from Kolkata, he has seen what has happened to his home-town metro and after seeing the Delhi version, and all he can do is sigh and drop lots of tears.


After all, Delhi metro has two major advantages over its Kolkata counterpart.

1. A distinct lack of Bongs (meaning maintenance work is actually done)

2. A distinct lack of the most inane, ridiculous and cheapskate species known to man or alien - the Bong tourist (meaning you can travel in silence)

yes I can be a bastard too

i took an interview today in office, this Btech lad had applied for an ID position, thought he admits he knows nothing at all abt what ID or e-learning is
so i asked the lad 'laddie, why do u want to join as an ID if ye dont know what it is'...so the lad replied 'coz my friends told me it has growth potentials'...so i was 'ok, fair enough, but if u r coming for an interview, dont ye think that ye should know what it is', so he says 'i just learnt abt it yesterday and came today directly without making any appo'....


so i asked him 'what do u want to do in life', he says 'be a project manager'

i ask him, do ye have any idea what a project manager does

laddie says he allocates tasks




by this time am irritated

so i ask him

how do ye intend to learn about e learning and ID? we cant train ye that much, it will be on the job training

he says i will learn from observing others and from yer feedback

so i say so ye will not do yer work but spend time observing ppl

so he goes silent


i again ask him,

since ye wanna be a project manager, lets see if ye can solve this

there are 10 members in yer team....there is a big ass project of abt 3 months coming up....ye cant recruit anyone, ye cant fire anyone

but 2 od yer members have a fight and they both come up to ye and request ye not to put them together in a project

what do ye do


lad says i will try to motivate them saying it will be bad for the company

i say nope, wont work, no one cares for the company


lad says i will put them in different projects

i say what diff projects? i told ye this is the only big ass project around


lad says i will recruit

i say ye cant, ye dont have the power


lad says i will threaten them with firing

i say ye cant do that either


lad says can i go to the toilet


he goes to the toilet and after 5 mins comes back

so i tell him, hokay, forgte abt office, ye claim ye like cricket and play cricket


there is an 11 member team, ye r the captain...2 of yer star batsmen are fighting with each other...they have both threatened to run the other out deliberately...a couple of big must win matches r coming up

what do ye do


laddie goes as silent as a mime


i tell laddie, howay ye lad, this aint for ye




Yes, i know some of ye will say I have been nasty, maybe i have....but a fresher should answer like a freshser


i was a fresher in the near past

the 1st thing ye do when going for an interview is to have some idea abt the job ye r applying for

if ye have no idea, as a fresher ye will have some leeway but then don't compound yer problem by making imbecilic statements like wanting to be a project manager


and yes, i am through being a nice guy, it never gets you anywhere

Reasons for the Rebellion

All of ye educated lot who likes to be in the thick of things as far as world news is concerned must know that there is supposedly a revolution going on in large parts of them Arab world.

Well, them muppets are supposedly demanding truth, justice, freedom, reforms, money, power, democracy etc etc.

As if.

Ye, see these people never had them things in the first place, so how do they know they want that??

Eh? eh?


Ye don't believe me do ye?

Ok then

Lets take the example of the 3 main groups of revolutionaries shall we


First, the Egyptians.


Ye think the average Egyptian ever had wealth or freedom or democracy or well anything?


Lets look at their history

In the antiquity (la di dah word for old times), Egypt was ruled by them kohl wearing, chariot riding, hippo worshiping, sister shagging, slave owning, pyramid building, Jew harassing, plague suffering, bald victims of Moses's ass kicking numpties called the Pharaohs.


They were filthy rich. Who else was rich? The priests, the nobles and some of the merchants (and the successful grave robbers but lets not go there). What about the general populace? They were as poor as...well...as poor as the Arsenal defence.


So the Greeks came. They conquered a lot of the world, they sprouted many philosophies, unfortunately they couldn't spell for tophies and thus the Egyptians ended up with them Ptolemies.


Then came Old Julius, then came Marc Antony (in every sense of the word) and then came mad Octavian.


What happendd to the Egyptians? Well many of them became slaves. Those lucky to survive becmae farmers..fertile Nile valley and all...but was the food for them. nae.

The food was taken by the Romans to feed the plebs back home.

So once again the Egyptians ended up with diddly squat.


The next lot to turn up were the Muslims. We all know how that lot and democracy functions.


Egypt became a province of Turkey; the favourite method of the Turks for keeping people in line - the Kurbash (wiki it).


The Britishers turned up, and there were farouk and his family, Nasser, Anwar Sadat and finally Hosni Mubarak.


So when in this last 150 years or rather 5000 years did those piss-poor Egyptians have any of the things they are demanding now??


Take the Tunisians then. They are Hannibal's people, Dido's people..being miserable is what they do, who they are. They are genetically programmed to be all doomed and gloomy.


As far as the Libyans go, they are Bedouins... Bedouins!!!!!! They are more interested in camels than in democracy.



So, one can theorise that the stuff they are demanding is not what they really want.


So what do they want. Why did they rebel? What broke the camel's back (kinda fitting don't ye think?)


Well, the world's leading political correspondent Fat Uncle Cheapo has risked life, limb and stomach to get to the bottom of the mystery.


It seems that the people rebelled because of 2 alleged rumours.


Rumour 1:

Apparently them Arab dictator types pooled together and had the brainwave of making their football teams better .So they hatched up the plan of inviting a famous and successful footballer to come and teach the youth.

Said player - Gary fucking Neville


Rumour 2:

Apparently the populace got rumours that the respective governments have issued travel visas to one notorious human being.


The population felt threatened. They figured that no woman between the ages of 12 and 62 are safe. And to save their daughters and sisters and mothers and wives, they took to the streets. They died in their hundreds but they prevented his coming.

Who is this man?


None other than that most notorious of boudi seducers - the Great Indian Chunkubaaz.

Go Ahead - Get Some Ninjas

There's no problem/issue/situation in life that cannot be improved by the introduction of ninjas.


Think about it, I mean really think about it.



Just imagine Prince Myshkin turning up at St Petersburg with a ninja bodyguard in tow or that numpty Rodoin Raskolnikov outsourcing the assassination of Ivanova to a ninja or hell the whole family of Karamazovs being assassinated by ninjas hired by..err..I don't know Usmanov (you know the ancestor of the notorious mass murdering part-owner of Arsenal) in the very 1st fricking chapter...............(whatever else this would have ensured the survival of thousands of trees).


Or for that matter if in the final chapter, it was revealed that Gorky's mother was a trained ninja assassin employed by the Tsar...that would have been the 'Mother' of all twists.


Or what if Tolstoy got assassinated by a ninja in the beginning of the 1870s. The world would have been a much much better place and yours truly would have been a much more relieved individual without the chronicles of a fucking idiot called Anna Karenina.


Or consider Mrs. Dalloway eloping with a ninja (can ninjas elope? isn't that a fascinating question?)


Or consider Ninjas coming and kicking the ass of that sad fucker in Lord of the Flies who goes around killing and maiming animals


Or ninjas coming at the opportune moment and saving Porphyra and the Last Duchess.


Or , or consider this.....last chapter...cage match..... Darcy vs Ninja...whoever wins gets Bennett (Elizabeth, not her father)....and don't count out Darcy either...those English Victorian motherrabbits were nasty devious scheming bastards, they conquered the world after all.


Or if ninjas had invaded Ireland in the 17th century and along with those damn Englishmen driven all the Irish to USAUSAUSAUSA (you have to say it at least 3 times, otherwise they will invade you)...still thinking what that would have achieved aren't you?


Well it would have ensured that one of the most gruesome torture devices ever conceived would not have been made...no am not talking about the Iron Maiden or Tean Zu or Brazen Bull or the Pear of Anguish but rather Ulysses as written by that drunk Irish fella.


With ninjas helping, The Three Musketeers would have been successful in freeing the Man in the Iron Mask (hell 1 ninja = 27 D'Artagnan)


With ninjas in the mix, who knows who would have come out trumps - Captain Ahab or Moby Dick.

Ninjas would have kicked Fagin's ass; would have rescued ole Robinson; would have cleared away the dacoits from the dacoit infested forests of Nottingham; would have woken up Rip Van Winkle and rescued the villagers of Sleepy Hollow (yes I know, I know); could have cured Quasimodo of his hump (Crybaby, we are talking of Quasimodo, not Moby Hump, put your tongue back in); defeated the Red Queen; travelled the world in 8 days, forget 80; would have spanked Romeo and Juliet and taught them basic physiology (check the pulse moron) and would have taken away whatever Hamlet was smoking.


And for good measure, son of god or not, try escaping from a ninja crucifix.


However, awesome as they are, it would be remiss of me not to point out that there are some works which even the introduction of ninjas can't make a difference.


There are 2 categories of such fiction of course.


First, there are some which so humongously awesome, nothing can make them better

for eg, LOTR, Count of Monte Christo, Treasure Island, Call of the Wild etc


Then there are the ones which are so bad, nothing can be done

for eg, the Twilight series

Ponies

Well, quite a few of ye lot have been pestering me regarding the ponies. A question which seems to crop up in regular intervals is whether the ponies have been named.

Well, yes, they have.


There are two of them. And I have decided to name them Sigmund and Schaden.



Sigmund is neurotic and is afraid of eating his grass coz he thinks that would be tantamount to shagging his mother. Ergo, he got weak and couldn't work and was kicked out by his former owner. Ergo, the treatment, the therapy et all.


Schaden, on the other hand, is a lazy bugger. Ergo, he was kicked out by his previous master.  Now he spends his time eating all the time and laughing at Sigmund.