Coconomics

Ever since our ancestors decided that getting off the trees might be a good career move, we, that is human beings, have been fascinated by wealth.

However, what constitutes wealth has changed from time to time.


At the beginning, a man's wealth was judged by the number of women he owned.


Then it turned into land or cows. Make no mistake, men's desire for women in wholesale amounts continued for a long time, and let's face it, some silly sods still have it.  Thankfully, wome are the not the basis of currency any more.


[Seriously, think about it, instead of cash, u get paid with the currency of women. 1 Uber, and that too only as a friend, is enough to terrify, petrify, horrify and scare the living heebiejeebies out of me, just imagine say 10 of her species as payment at the end of every month.

Nightmares ahoy!@!!!!!


Kill me, kill me now!!!!! ]



And then there was gold. I don't really know when gold first became important (some nerd somewhere must have done research on it......and sigh :-( i would really like to read it), but boy did it become important. It still is and till Armageddon, probably will remain as such.


Gold, or money, became the true mover and shaker of wealth. Its still pretty damn heavy to carry around though.


Then came liquid gold, or petrol.


Nowadays, gold and liquid gold take pride of place as the top movers and shakers of world economy.


Well, at least it used to, till the modern economists came into the fore. Modern economy now runs on air, on promises and future speculations.


And the worst aspect is that the only people who can have a slice of the wealth pie are the already wealthy. For us, poor plebs, there is nothing to look forward to but a lifetime of misery and hard work.


Which brings me to one of my inferences - never evvvvver allow an economist to run anything, not a football club, not a country, not anything important. (There will be a different blog about who should be allowed to run countries and who should be deported to Pakistan)



Well, if you chart the progress of wealth, you will see that wealth has steadily become more and more abstract.

Think about it.


First, we have women - definitely concrete.


Then there were lands and cows - still concrete.


Then gold - less concrete only due to the fact that most people never see an ounce of gold in thier lifetimes anyway.


Petrol will be an abstract thing, to be found only in museums, in about 50-100 years of time.



But false promises, hoodwinks, speculations and downright lies are as abstract as you can get.


Sadly, the whole world has fallen prey to this disease.

No, I tell a lie.



There is a group of people who still cling on to the old ways - so to speak. They don't believe in land, in gold, in petrol, in promises, in air - what they do believe in is Coconomics, the economy of coconuts.


Yep, am talking about the Mallus.


You see, the Mallu people are intricately conjoined with coconuts.



Let me present to you some evidence to support that hypothesis.


Look at their mythology. Irrespective of religious affiliation, all Mallus celebrate Onam.

But what is Onam?


You see, in those ancient times, when luj character gods used to loiter around the country, there was this Mallu king called Mahavali. He had millions of acres of land where he grew billions of coconut trees.



One day, a dwarf came to his kingdom.

He said, "Yo king, I hear you are like all generous and stuff. Give me some coconut trees."

The king said, "Ok dwarf, here is a coconut. Throw it. I'll give you all the coconut trees in the area you can cover with the throw."

The dwarf said cool and then turned into a Yeti or Bigfoot. He then threw the coconut as high as possible and it fell on the king with such force that the king got buried.


So the dwarf took over the whole kingdom.


Look at Mallu history.


Do you know that Christopher Columbus actually reached the Mallu shores?


Oh yes, he did. Historians often ignore this but he he did come. He never landed though.

You wanna know why?


Well the day he tried to land, the Mallus were celebrating something. They were dressed in their kathakali finery and were cooking banana chips with coconut oil. The smell was so atrociously, horribly bad and the dresses of the Mallus so weird that it made Columbus went:"Mio Dio! Abbiamo raggiunto l'inferno! Si prega di Dio salvaci salvaci" and sailed away in the opposite direction as far as possible.



Just think, them Americans owe their existence to coconuts!!!!


Let's look at Mallu society then


When Mallu girls get married, they take dozens/hundreds/thousands/millions of coconuts along with them as dowry.


Look at the buffet menu at the weddings/birthdays/whatever else they celebrate


Coconut Sherbet
Coconut Soup
Coconut Salad
Coconut Fry
Banana Chips (in coconut oil)
Cocount Dal
Coconut Rice
Coconut Achar
Coconut Chutney
Chicken/Mutton/Beaf in Coconut Gravy
Fish in Coconut Gravy
Coconut Chutney
Coconut Payasam

and of course

Coconut Water


A typical scene in a Mallu market would be

Man 1: I like this shirt.

Man 2: It costs 25 coconuts.

Man 1: 25!!! Man Alive. Are you crazy? I will give you 10 coconuts


You get the picture.



Now you all must be wondering "What in the name of ectoplasm do the Mallus do with all these coconuts?"


The answer is - EVERYTHING


According to anthropologists, sociologists etc etc,


the Mallus:


Eat Coconuts
Drink Coconut water
Sleep on mattresses made of Coconuts
Use Coconut Oil for:

1. Cooking
2. Garnishing alcohol
3. Anti-dandruff, anti-lice Shampoo
4. Body massages
5. Make up
6. Putting on cuts (you knows Anti-septic; instead of Dettol, they use Parachute)
7. Washing powder
8. Toothpaste

The all time 'hittest' tv show in Mallu land is one about the Life of a Coconut Tree

They also allegedly coconuts as sex toys (don't ask, the mind boggles)