Go Ahead - Get Some Ninjas

There's no problem/issue/situation in life that cannot be improved by the introduction of ninjas.


Think about it, I mean really think about it.



Just imagine Prince Myshkin turning up at St Petersburg with a ninja bodyguard in tow or that numpty Rodoin Raskolnikov outsourcing the assassination of Ivanova to a ninja or hell the whole family of Karamazovs being assassinated by ninjas hired by..err..I don't know Usmanov (you know the ancestor of the notorious mass murdering part-owner of Arsenal) in the very 1st fricking chapter...............(whatever else this would have ensured the survival of thousands of trees).


Or for that matter if in the final chapter, it was revealed that Gorky's mother was a trained ninja assassin employed by the Tsar...that would have been the 'Mother' of all twists.


Or what if Tolstoy got assassinated by a ninja in the beginning of the 1870s. The world would have been a much much better place and yours truly would have been a much more relieved individual without the chronicles of a fucking idiot called Anna Karenina.


Or consider Mrs. Dalloway eloping with a ninja (can ninjas elope? isn't that a fascinating question?)


Or consider Ninjas coming and kicking the ass of that sad fucker in Lord of the Flies who goes around killing and maiming animals


Or ninjas coming at the opportune moment and saving Porphyra and the Last Duchess.


Or , or consider this.....last chapter...cage match..... Darcy vs Ninja...whoever wins gets Bennett (Elizabeth, not her father)....and don't count out Darcy either...those English Victorian motherrabbits were nasty devious scheming bastards, they conquered the world after all.


Or if ninjas had invaded Ireland in the 17th century and along with those damn Englishmen driven all the Irish to USAUSAUSAUSA (you have to say it at least 3 times, otherwise they will invade you)...still thinking what that would have achieved aren't you?


Well it would have ensured that one of the most gruesome torture devices ever conceived would not have been made...no am not talking about the Iron Maiden or Tean Zu or Brazen Bull or the Pear of Anguish but rather Ulysses as written by that drunk Irish fella.


With ninjas helping, The Three Musketeers would have been successful in freeing the Man in the Iron Mask (hell 1 ninja = 27 D'Artagnan)


With ninjas in the mix, who knows who would have come out trumps - Captain Ahab or Moby Dick.

Ninjas would have kicked Fagin's ass; would have rescued ole Robinson; would have cleared away the dacoits from the dacoit infested forests of Nottingham; would have woken up Rip Van Winkle and rescued the villagers of Sleepy Hollow (yes I know, I know); could have cured Quasimodo of his hump (Crybaby, we are talking of Quasimodo, not Moby Hump, put your tongue back in); defeated the Red Queen; travelled the world in 8 days, forget 80; would have spanked Romeo and Juliet and taught them basic physiology (check the pulse moron) and would have taken away whatever Hamlet was smoking.


And for good measure, son of god or not, try escaping from a ninja crucifix.


However, awesome as they are, it would be remiss of me not to point out that there are some works which even the introduction of ninjas can't make a difference.


There are 2 categories of such fiction of course.


First, there are some which so humongously awesome, nothing can make them better

for eg, LOTR, Count of Monte Christo, Treasure Island, Call of the Wild etc


Then there are the ones which are so bad, nothing can be done

for eg, the Twilight series