Metros and Onions

Hwat is the similarity between an onion and the Delhi metro??


Well, they both have layers, many many layers and they have both made the Cheapo cry.


Ye see, the Delhi metro people, in a surprising bit of intelligence, have figured that there is only so much space on land. So they went over it and under it. As a result, parts of the thing are like that Spiderman metro thingy - on specially high tracks - and parts of it are underground.


But even underground seemed inadequate, so they went and dug further and created levels of undergroundedness!!!!


That brings us to the funnest stations - Rajiv Chowk and New Delhi Railway station.


RC - It has more levels than a post-modern post-metaphysical post-surrealist post-intelligent piece of poetry on potassium.


NDRS - Not only does it have a metro station, but also one of the 3 train stations of Delhi and to put icing on the cake, the shuttle train to the new airport [without a doubt, the most awesome train Cheapo has ever traveled in...simply astounding in every way]


But hwhy did Cheapo cry?


Well, being a Bong (albeit a disqualified one - he allegedly called communists fucking idiots and claimed that he can draw better than that bearded luj character Tagore) from Kolkata, he has seen what has happened to his home-town metro and after seeing the Delhi version, and all he can do is sigh and drop lots of tears.


After all, Delhi metro has two major advantages over its Kolkata counterpart.

1. A distinct lack of Bongs (meaning maintenance work is actually done)

2. A distinct lack of the most inane, ridiculous and cheapskate species known to man or alien - the Bong tourist (meaning you can travel in silence)

yes I can be a bastard too

i took an interview today in office, this Btech lad had applied for an ID position, thought he admits he knows nothing at all abt what ID or e-learning is
so i asked the lad 'laddie, why do u want to join as an ID if ye dont know what it is'...so the lad replied 'coz my friends told me it has growth potentials'...so i was 'ok, fair enough, but if u r coming for an interview, dont ye think that ye should know what it is', so he says 'i just learnt abt it yesterday and came today directly without making any appo'....


so i asked him 'what do u want to do in life', he says 'be a project manager'

i ask him, do ye have any idea what a project manager does

laddie says he allocates tasks




by this time am irritated

so i ask him

how do ye intend to learn about e learning and ID? we cant train ye that much, it will be on the job training

he says i will learn from observing others and from yer feedback

so i say so ye will not do yer work but spend time observing ppl

so he goes silent


i again ask him,

since ye wanna be a project manager, lets see if ye can solve this

there are 10 members in yer team....there is a big ass project of abt 3 months coming up....ye cant recruit anyone, ye cant fire anyone

but 2 od yer members have a fight and they both come up to ye and request ye not to put them together in a project

what do ye do


lad says i will try to motivate them saying it will be bad for the company

i say nope, wont work, no one cares for the company


lad says i will put them in different projects

i say what diff projects? i told ye this is the only big ass project around


lad says i will recruit

i say ye cant, ye dont have the power


lad says i will threaten them with firing

i say ye cant do that either


lad says can i go to the toilet


he goes to the toilet and after 5 mins comes back

so i tell him, hokay, forgte abt office, ye claim ye like cricket and play cricket


there is an 11 member team, ye r the captain...2 of yer star batsmen are fighting with each other...they have both threatened to run the other out deliberately...a couple of big must win matches r coming up

what do ye do


laddie goes as silent as a mime


i tell laddie, howay ye lad, this aint for ye




Yes, i know some of ye will say I have been nasty, maybe i have....but a fresher should answer like a freshser


i was a fresher in the near past

the 1st thing ye do when going for an interview is to have some idea abt the job ye r applying for

if ye have no idea, as a fresher ye will have some leeway but then don't compound yer problem by making imbecilic statements like wanting to be a project manager


and yes, i am through being a nice guy, it never gets you anywhere

Reasons for the Rebellion

All of ye educated lot who likes to be in the thick of things as far as world news is concerned must know that there is supposedly a revolution going on in large parts of them Arab world.

Well, them muppets are supposedly demanding truth, justice, freedom, reforms, money, power, democracy etc etc.

As if.

Ye, see these people never had them things in the first place, so how do they know they want that??

Eh? eh?


Ye don't believe me do ye?

Ok then

Lets take the example of the 3 main groups of revolutionaries shall we


First, the Egyptians.


Ye think the average Egyptian ever had wealth or freedom or democracy or well anything?


Lets look at their history

In the antiquity (la di dah word for old times), Egypt was ruled by them kohl wearing, chariot riding, hippo worshiping, sister shagging, slave owning, pyramid building, Jew harassing, plague suffering, bald victims of Moses's ass kicking numpties called the Pharaohs.


They were filthy rich. Who else was rich? The priests, the nobles and some of the merchants (and the successful grave robbers but lets not go there). What about the general populace? They were as poor as...well...as poor as the Arsenal defence.


So the Greeks came. They conquered a lot of the world, they sprouted many philosophies, unfortunately they couldn't spell for tophies and thus the Egyptians ended up with them Ptolemies.


Then came Old Julius, then came Marc Antony (in every sense of the word) and then came mad Octavian.


What happendd to the Egyptians? Well many of them became slaves. Those lucky to survive becmae farmers..fertile Nile valley and all...but was the food for them. nae.

The food was taken by the Romans to feed the plebs back home.

So once again the Egyptians ended up with diddly squat.


The next lot to turn up were the Muslims. We all know how that lot and democracy functions.


Egypt became a province of Turkey; the favourite method of the Turks for keeping people in line - the Kurbash (wiki it).


The Britishers turned up, and there were farouk and his family, Nasser, Anwar Sadat and finally Hosni Mubarak.


So when in this last 150 years or rather 5000 years did those piss-poor Egyptians have any of the things they are demanding now??


Take the Tunisians then. They are Hannibal's people, Dido's people..being miserable is what they do, who they are. They are genetically programmed to be all doomed and gloomy.


As far as the Libyans go, they are Bedouins... Bedouins!!!!!! They are more interested in camels than in democracy.



So, one can theorise that the stuff they are demanding is not what they really want.


So what do they want. Why did they rebel? What broke the camel's back (kinda fitting don't ye think?)


Well, the world's leading political correspondent Fat Uncle Cheapo has risked life, limb and stomach to get to the bottom of the mystery.


It seems that the people rebelled because of 2 alleged rumours.


Rumour 1:

Apparently them Arab dictator types pooled together and had the brainwave of making their football teams better .So they hatched up the plan of inviting a famous and successful footballer to come and teach the youth.

Said player - Gary fucking Neville


Rumour 2:

Apparently the populace got rumours that the respective governments have issued travel visas to one notorious human being.


The population felt threatened. They figured that no woman between the ages of 12 and 62 are safe. And to save their daughters and sisters and mothers and wives, they took to the streets. They died in their hundreds but they prevented his coming.

Who is this man?


None other than that most notorious of boudi seducers - the Great Indian Chunkubaaz.

Go Ahead - Get Some Ninjas

There's no problem/issue/situation in life that cannot be improved by the introduction of ninjas.


Think about it, I mean really think about it.



Just imagine Prince Myshkin turning up at St Petersburg with a ninja bodyguard in tow or that numpty Rodoin Raskolnikov outsourcing the assassination of Ivanova to a ninja or hell the whole family of Karamazovs being assassinated by ninjas hired by..err..I don't know Usmanov (you know the ancestor of the notorious mass murdering part-owner of Arsenal) in the very 1st fricking chapter...............(whatever else this would have ensured the survival of thousands of trees).


Or for that matter if in the final chapter, it was revealed that Gorky's mother was a trained ninja assassin employed by the Tsar...that would have been the 'Mother' of all twists.


Or what if Tolstoy got assassinated by a ninja in the beginning of the 1870s. The world would have been a much much better place and yours truly would have been a much more relieved individual without the chronicles of a fucking idiot called Anna Karenina.


Or consider Mrs. Dalloway eloping with a ninja (can ninjas elope? isn't that a fascinating question?)


Or consider Ninjas coming and kicking the ass of that sad fucker in Lord of the Flies who goes around killing and maiming animals


Or ninjas coming at the opportune moment and saving Porphyra and the Last Duchess.


Or , or consider this.....last chapter...cage match..... Darcy vs Ninja...whoever wins gets Bennett (Elizabeth, not her father)....and don't count out Darcy either...those English Victorian motherrabbits were nasty devious scheming bastards, they conquered the world after all.


Or if ninjas had invaded Ireland in the 17th century and along with those damn Englishmen driven all the Irish to USAUSAUSAUSA (you have to say it at least 3 times, otherwise they will invade you)...still thinking what that would have achieved aren't you?


Well it would have ensured that one of the most gruesome torture devices ever conceived would not have been made...no am not talking about the Iron Maiden or Tean Zu or Brazen Bull or the Pear of Anguish but rather Ulysses as written by that drunk Irish fella.


With ninjas helping, The Three Musketeers would have been successful in freeing the Man in the Iron Mask (hell 1 ninja = 27 D'Artagnan)


With ninjas in the mix, who knows who would have come out trumps - Captain Ahab or Moby Dick.

Ninjas would have kicked Fagin's ass; would have rescued ole Robinson; would have cleared away the dacoits from the dacoit infested forests of Nottingham; would have woken up Rip Van Winkle and rescued the villagers of Sleepy Hollow (yes I know, I know); could have cured Quasimodo of his hump (Crybaby, we are talking of Quasimodo, not Moby Hump, put your tongue back in); defeated the Red Queen; travelled the world in 8 days, forget 80; would have spanked Romeo and Juliet and taught them basic physiology (check the pulse moron) and would have taken away whatever Hamlet was smoking.


And for good measure, son of god or not, try escaping from a ninja crucifix.


However, awesome as they are, it would be remiss of me not to point out that there are some works which even the introduction of ninjas can't make a difference.


There are 2 categories of such fiction of course.


First, there are some which so humongously awesome, nothing can make them better

for eg, LOTR, Count of Monte Christo, Treasure Island, Call of the Wild etc


Then there are the ones which are so bad, nothing can be done

for eg, the Twilight series

Ponies

Well, quite a few of ye lot have been pestering me regarding the ponies. A question which seems to crop up in regular intervals is whether the ponies have been named.

Well, yes, they have.


There are two of them. And I have decided to name them Sigmund and Schaden.



Sigmund is neurotic and is afraid of eating his grass coz he thinks that would be tantamount to shagging his mother. Ergo, he got weak and couldn't work and was kicked out by his former owner. Ergo, the treatment, the therapy et all.


Schaden, on the other hand, is a lazy bugger. Ergo, he was kicked out by his previous master.  Now he spends his time eating all the time and laughing at Sigmund.

What A Day

Well, it was an interesting day to say the least.

It started off with Fat Uncle Cheapo looking like a Pakistani terrorist and ended with him looking like a Qatari luj character prince.

Those of you who are privy to confidential and sensitive information know that Fat Uncle Cheapo had gone to the city of ex-gardens.

Those who are just privy are full of shit.

Anyway, so he boarded the bus. Immediately, 2 young lads...…from the accent Punjabi…..started calling all and sundry to vote for Jatin and Akshita in some online “context”(sic).  Cheapo couldn’t figure out whether it was a singing competition, a dancing completion or whether they had uploaded their fuck video but after a point of time Cheapo started wishing that he had mobile net access just to log into that site and vote for the other teams as many times as possible.

Nothing much happened in the bus – A Mercedes Benz btw…so now Cheapo can claim that he had ridden a Benz…now only if females of the species stopped saying ‘Ewwwwww’ to him, he could contemplate riding….. – except that they played one of the most atrocious movies Cheapo have ever had the misfortune to see – Partner. First it was Telugu Don, then a 80s romantic movie with a lame Sanjay Dutt and Madhuri Dixit, then a movie where all the Deols were boxers and now this. Damn, Cheapo can’t catch a break.

The only other thing that was even remotely interesting was that the guy sitting beside Cheapo started complaining about stinky socks and asked all and sundry about their socks. Experiments proved that it wasn’t any of theirs. Cheapo has grave suspicions that it was the guy’s own socks stinking up the place, and he did the whole performance to divert suspicion.

Oo, oo not to forget, the bus had stopped at a dhaba type of thing for dinner. People had got down for food, stretching legs and peeing. So, these 2 heroines had also gone down. They were still standing and chatting while most others were back. Now the bus driver had to move the bus a little to facilitate some other vehicle.  He started the bus and moved it about 6 inches before shouts of “ohhh nooooo”, “please don’t leave us”, “stop please stop” etc permeated the clam night accompanied by the heroines running helter-skelter.

All for six inches!!! Damn, size does matter to girls, doesn’t it? To borrow the phrase of our cousins and overlords from USAUSAUSA (invading a country near you), Cheapo strikes out again.

As it transpired, the bus reached the place at 5.30 in the morning. It was dark and foggy times and the Sandman was asleep so heavily that he wasn’t picking up the phone. So Cheapo had no option but to get down and get an auto – mind you he only remembered the name of main road, not the bylane nor the house.

So the auto ride started and within 5 minutes Cheapo was stuck in the middle of a big ass flower market.  Imagine if you will……

Its 5.45 in the morning. Its pitch dark, full of fog and there is an incessant drone coming from the buzzing of hundreds of people intent on doing business with tonnes of flowers surrounding you.

Ahhh, the sight!!!! The sound!!!! The smell!!!! The clackalackadackdack!!!!!!


And the Sandman still slept

Anyway, after passing all that, Cheapo finally arrived at the awesomely named Avenue Road, Where he promptly got lost. You see Cheapo remembered that the Sandman lived in Avenue Road, but he had, in his own useless way, forgotten the number of the junction as well as the landmark.

So, there was no option but to tackle every lane and by lane. So he started doing that. So at 6 in the morning in a foggy dark unknown place people are just waking up and finding a weird looking dude loitering around suspiciously. 


And the Sandman still slept

So guess what happened next?

Yep, that’s right. Cheapo gets picked up by the police for “questioning”.

Policeman: What do you want?

Cheapo: I got lost looking for my friend's place.

Policeman: What friend?

C: Sandesh Raju

P: Where does he stay?

C; Don't know, that's why I got lost

P; Who are you? Where are you coming from?

C: Am Fat Uncle Cheapo from Kolkata

P: But you are loitering here with no address and anything. Come to the police station with us.

C: But I am a friend of Uber.

P: Oh sorry Sir!! I didn't know Sir. Its ok Sir. Please carry on Sir. Can I help you in any way Sir? etc etc etc

The Uber moves in mysterious ways.

And then Sandman finally woke up

After an interlude involving lots of food, lots of coffee, lots of dogs (3 - all of them as big as Cheapo) and lots of curses to fate and females of the species for failing to notice the awesomeness of the protagonists, evening arrived.




And then Cheapo got hijacked and abducted. But more of that later.




First, Cheapo had to meet Chinki the Great. You see Cheapo was carrying some highly sensitive stuff from  one city to the other (kinda like a drug mule, but without stuff getting shoved up his...) and he had to give said stuff to the Great One.




So, they fixed up an appointment. And Cheapo arrived at the designated spot. 


And so did the la-di-dahs, the wastrels, the never do wells, and predictably the police (yes again...but this time they contended themselves with looking at him with furrowed brows et all - they moved away after a while.....whether because they got bored, or got instructions regarding Uber or because Cheapo was lobbing well directed audio olfactory extravaganzas at them is debatable). 




Following the ancient and noble traditions of her species, The Great One was fashionably late. And she promptly got lost as well.




Now how anyone can miss the svelte and stunning figure of Fat Uncle Cheapo is open for discussion, but somehow even that was managed.




Anyway, passwords were interchanged and confirmed. The handover was done. The secret signals were passed. And they went their separate ways.




It was at this time that the Sandman hijacked Cheapo and took him to a saloon to make him look less like a terrorist.




Beards were trimmed, moustaches were harassed. 




And i nthe end Cheapo ended up looking like a Qatari luj character prince. 




But that wasnt the end. 


The barbarian lad asked Cheapo if he wanted a head massage. Cheapo said yes. 




So the Barbarian promptly strapped Cheapo down and then sprayed some acid on his face. While Cheapo was shouting with pain, the barbarian then opened a jar and put lumps of foul fruity smelling lumps of chemicals all over his face. But it wasnt over.




Then the barbarian took out a head-shrinking device and tried to crush Cheapo's skull....all the while laughing maniacally.....when even that didn't work and  Cheapo refused to submit, he started applying boiling water all over Cheapo's face.


Cheapo finally broke free and the barbarian ran away. 



Later investigations proved that


a. the barbarian was an agent of Cheapo's nemesis - that notorious woman seducer Great Indian Chunkubaaz, who after terrorizing boudis in Kolkata, Hyderabad, Delhi and Gurgaon, have shifted base to Bangalore


b. that's how apparently people get facials - allegedly to look better; a pointless exercise in futility if there ever was one




Cheapo looks the same shade of horrible hideous ugliness after the torture as he did before

What the F?

Yep, it was a weekend, nay a whole week full of F-s.


There were lots of F-ing going around. Unfortunately, most of it was not at all pleasurable. 


To start with, Fat Uncle Cheapo's favourite niece the Kiddo complained about the F-ing cold in the land of the Sasquatches. Then she went and got F-ing drunk.


Then we had Uber, the 2nd most violent person ever seen in these shores (after Sultan Mahmud of Ghazni). After much sorting and analysis of evidence, it was proved that she somehow managed to mindF herself (and yes I am well aware that for writing that, I am going to get a F-ing thrashing).


Then there was the Wellbeloved Family Doormat Awefully Wee Crybaby.  She has come up with a new and innovative way of getting mindF-ed....and no its not mind4letter word, but rather mind-fart. That's right people. She gets mindfarted by her one true god - the gay pedophile Wellbeloved. As a result of the mindFart, she has become rabid and is now going around biting people.


Our man Midas also got F-ed. In his case, f stood for frozen. Here's what happened. Midas got huge pain in his hand. Suspicions of carpet tunnel arose (ironic since we have neither a carpet nor a tunnel). So Midas did the only thing which seemed to work. He stuck his hand in the freezer.


However, some recent evidence has arisen which point out that it was Miss Monopolycheater Cakebaker who F-d Midas's hand by stabbing it with a fork.


Now comes the good part.


It is a widely established fact that Fat Uncle Cheapo never gets respect from his friends. So it was natural that when he announced his plans of cooking egg curry, he was showered with derision, ridicule, scorn, disdain and disparagement.....and in Uber's case, punches and kicks.


But undeterred and in the face of extreme adversity, Cheapo F-ed (fortified) his heart and persevered.


He F-ed (familiarized) himself with the procedure, then he F-ed (facilitated) the cooking process by buying all them ingredients. He F-ed (focused) during the cooking process and F-ed (fine-tuned) and F-ed (flavoured) it to his heart's content.   


And he did it. He cooked.


And to paraphrase the critics' opinions, it was utterly, butterly delicious (ironic that, since no butter was used).


And his name went into F-ed (fabled) territory.  

Cat Amongst The Pigeons

We have all heard of this expression/metaphor/aphorism. So no need to explain it.


Now lets look at it from the footy perspective.


How can you put the proverbial cat amongst the proverbial pigeons as far as footy is concerned?


Lets look at some clubs eh?


Gary fucking Neville going to well, any club?

Roy Keane going to Liverpool? 

Kenny Dalglish becoming manager of manu?

Ashley Cole becoming captain of Arsenal?

Sol Campbell to Spurs?

or even funnier

Arsene Wenger or Tony Adams becoming the next manager of Spurs?

Alan Shearer to Sunderlando?

Paolo di Canio to Roma?

Francesco Totti to Lazio?

St Iker to Barcelona?

Xavi to Real Madrid?

Anyone from West Ham to Millwall and vice versa?

Zidane becoming the next manager of Paris St Germain?

Craig Bellamy to Swansea?

Gordon Strachan to Fenerbache?

Characters

Sometimes, rarely, but sometimes, films manage to cook up some characters who end up being immortal. They become bigger than the movies themselves.

I am going to talk about a few such characters.

And I am going to ignore all the movies based on books or tv series or cartoons etc.

That means, no Batman (no Joker either), no LOTR (so no Aragon or Smeagol or Eowin or Gandalf or Pippin or Merry or Sam), none from the Marvel Universe (so no Wolverine, no Gambit, no Sabretooth) , none from the classics (so no Atticus Finch, no Ichabod Crane etc) none from the Potters (so no Snape, no Malfoy) etc. Deliberately not taking the animations into account. And no one from Star Wars either, coz
a. I can't choose between Han Solo, Chewbacca, Darth Vader, R2D2, Obi Wan Kanobi, Yoda or Jubba the Hut in the awesome rating
b. None of them stole the show on their own, it was more of a collective effort

So here goes.

The Dude - He Abides

Captain Jack Sparrow - From a Disney theme park to one of the most successful movie franchises of all time. Its all because of one man. You know it, I know it. Disney knows it. The whole world knows it. Savvy?

Inspector Jack Cloussau  - The plan was to make a movie about a jewel robbery. An ensemble cast was assembled. And then a crime was committed. A man came, saw and stole the whole movie away from the assembled guests. The man was Peter Sellers and he did such a superbly awesome job that it spawned several sequels, a cartoon series and atrocities committed by Steve Martin.

Indiana Jones - Fedora, dusty jacket, whip. when even the silhouette becomes as famous as anything, you know the character is something special.Plus you have the added bonus of the coolest action sequence in movie history - From raiders of the Lost Arc, a chap comes out and goes all Bruce Leeesqu with 2 scimitars and Indy just pulls out a gun and shoots him, remember?

The Man with No Name (Clint) - John Wayne notwithstanding, the icon and the 1st image that comes to mind when you hear of American cowboys. Granted that a large part of the charisma came because of the success of Good Bad and Ugly and a large reason for the success of that movie was this guy

and don't even get me started on some of the best lines ever written for a movie

"When you wish to shoot, shoot, don't talk"

"You see in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend. Those with loaded guns, and those who dig. You dig."

"Put your drawers on, and take your gun off.

• Don't die, I'll get you water. Stay there. Don't move, I'll get you water. Don't die until later.

• You want to know who you are? Huh? Huh? You don't, I do, everyone does... you're the son of a thousand fathers, all bastards like you.

• Who the hell is that? One bastard goes in, another one comes out.

• You never had a rope around your neck. Well, I'm going to tell you something. When that rope starts to pull tight, you can feel the Devil bite your ass.

• [to a chicken] If you work for a living, why do you kill yourself working?

• I like big fat men like you. When they fall they make more noise and sometimes they never get up!

[Approaching a column of grey-clad cavalry]

Tuco: (shouting) God's with us because he hates the Yanks too!

[Officer pats the grey dust from his blue uniform.]

Blondie: God's not on our side because he hates idiots also.

The Terminator - What's there to say really

Rules, Regulations and New Year Wishes

(in alphabetical order, before the Arsa fans get excited about being 2nd)

Aston Villa -

Thou shalt do all in thy power to make even Mr. EM look good
NYW - Finish above Birmingham


Arsenal -

Thou shalt not practice defending
Thou shalt not score without passing the ball at least 47 times
Thou shalt be more obsessed about Spurs than about thy own results or such mundane things like trophies
Thou shalt whine
NYW - Trophies be damned, lets have more money

Birmingham City -

Thou shalt help Arsenal fulfill their 3rd law by kicking lumps out of them
NYW - Finish above Villa

Blackburn Rovers -

Thou shalt not keep the ball on the ground
Thou shalt employ 23 men and 1 El hadji Diouf and 1 Morten Gamst Pederson
Thou shalt never ever ever forget to roll over for Lord Wrigley's team
NYW - Buy Ronaldinho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blackpool -

Thou shalt entertain by being complete bonkers
NYW - Retain players

Bolton Wanderers (Owen Coyle) -

Thou shalt do miracles like making Bolton attractive and taking them to top 6
Thou shalt do further miracles by making Elmander look like Messi
Thou shalt prove the rest of the world to be pansies by wearing shorts in sub-zero temperatures
NYW - 6th

Chelsea -

Thou shalt ensure that Murphy's Law - if there's a remote chance of anything going wrong, then it will go wrong - is always followed

Winston Bogarde

Adrian Mutu
Ranieri's subs
Ghost goal
Messi's dive
Sacking HIM
Appointing Grim Reaper Grant
Appointing Louis Philip Scolari
John Terry's Studs
Fucking referee
HIM again
Salomon Kalou
Mosquito
NYW - 4th, Avoid Spanish teams in Champs League


Everton -

Thou shalt not win in the first 4-5 months of the season
Thou shalt not lose in the last 4 months of the season
Thou shalt ensure that Superman wear Tim Cahill pyjamas

NYW - Finish above pool




Fulham -


When you are in row Z
And the ball comes and smacks your head
Its Zamoraaaa
NYW - Get relegated (by buying Santa Cruz)





Liverpool -


Thou shalt epitomize the football equivalent of Godwin's Law by mentioning netspend
Save RAFA
NYW - Save RAFA

Manchester City -

Thou shalt assemble the most expensive assortment of nutters and football player impersonators the world has ever seen
No matter what, thou shalt play at least 4 defensive midfielders all the time
NYW - Finish above Manu


Manchester United -

Thou shalt try tirelessly to produce the ugliest team the world has ever seen (for that purpose, thou shalt employ hermaphrodites, lampposts, thugs, ninjas, ogres and the lovechild of Satan and a chihuahua
NYW - Buy some referrees





Newcastle United  -


Thou shalt ensure that no matter what happens elsewhere, everyone can make fun of thee

NYW - Lard knows



Stoke City -



Its Pulis's Way or the Highway




Sunderland -

Thou shalt ensure that no matter what, Sir Wrigley get 6 points off of thee


NYW - Finish above Newcastle



Tottenham Hotspurs -



Thou shalt somehow combine to be the most exciting as well as the most comical team around
Thou shalt be more obsessed about Arse than about thy own results or such mundane things like trophies

NYW - Sky is the limit




West Bromwich Albion -


Thou shalt do thy best to be the football equivalent of a yo-yo
NYW - Survival


West Ham -

Thou shalt be worse than diarrhoea
NYW - Clone Scott Parker





Wigan Athletic -


Even in this day and age, thou shalt somehow manage to find footballers whom noone has ever heard of
Even in this day and age, thou shalt somehow continue t obe a football club despite having no supporters
NYW - Survival


Wolverhampton Wanderers -

Thou shalt either play crap but survive or play well and get relegated
NYW - Wins