The Curious case of the Multitude in the Night Time
Well, a couple of weeks ago, Fat Uncle Cheapo and the Esteemed Nutter of the Maternal Persuasion were watching some quality television, late in the night, when all of a sudden there was a multitudinal shout of "Reshu!!!"
Now, being a Nutter, the Esteemed One naturally and obviously inferred that somehow someone was looking for Fat Uncle Cheapo. Now, just how the word Reshu in any way, shape or form resembles either Fat or Uncle or Cheapo is anybody's guess.
Anyway, when the cacophony refused to die down, the Esteemed went to investigate.
And came back and informed Cheapo that apparently some lass called Reshmi has locked the door and is refusing to open it, thus preventing aforementioned multitude entry into their domain.
Speculations ahoy!!!!
The Esteemed One set the ball rolling by proclaiming that it is a clear case of suicide.
Cheapo argued that it might be a case of alien abduction, and that it was a governmental conspiracy to hide the story. "The truth is out there mum" he was heard to mutter.
The Nutter countered by saying "Aliens, smeliens! If not suicide, then an African tsetse might be involved."
Cheapo argued that maybe the lass was a victim of murder, and since all the doors are locked from the inside, it possibly involved a monkey and a blowpipe.
Nutter refuted by claiming that if it was murder, then rather than a monkey and a blowpipe, it might have involved a ninja and a raygun which when pointed towards the heart, stops it from pumping.
Further theories discussed included the possible use of arsenic, pygmy poison, cobra venom, hypnotism (thereby forcing victim to take her own life), coconut oil, mime artists and the spontaneous combustion of both mind and body due to the incoherent ramblings of that non-sentient blathering fool A of the B.
Suffice to say that this entire discussion was taking place just in front of the agitated multitude, with the winsome twosome sitting on chairs only a couple of feet away from the action, happily gulping down copious quantities of ice cream . For some reason, the multitude kept giving them awfully dirty looks.
Having failed to elicit any response from 'Reshu', multitude then decided to procure a ladder from somewhere. Now far be it for the Cheapo to accuse other personnel of being slightly on the rotund side or their actions as being chuckleworthy (the words chimney, pot, kettle etc would be flung around by the critical intelligentsia) ..........but one of the few universally constant joys of life involve fat people trying to climb a tottering ladder.
Well as it turns out it was neither murder, nor suicide, nor alien abduction. It wasn't even a case of exposure to A of the B.
It was, put simply, a case of Singhanapallitis...a disease where even the fucking Armageddon would fail to wake a person up from slumber.
The earliest known patient was Kumbhakarna. Other famous patients include the men who had slept through
- Kurukshetra
- Hannibal's invasion of Italy with pachyderms
- Porus's dimwitted defence strategy of using pachyderms against Alexander
- Alexander's destruction of Babylon
- Genghis Khan's destruction of everything
- Alaric's sacking of Rome
- Battle of Hastings
- Battle of Agincourt
- Saladin's capture of Jerusalem
- Austerlitz
- Nelson kicking Bonny's arse in Trafalgar
- Wellington kicking Bonny's arse in Waterloo
- Gettysburg
- Pearl Harbour
- the Blitzkrieg
- St Petersburg
The disease has been named by scientists to honour Midas, who once slept through an hour of Fat Uncle Cheapo calling, knocking, pounding and bellowing at the top of his lungs.
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