WIKILEAKS EXPOSE

In Saudi Arabia, there was a very rich man who had lots of wives. The 10th one of these gave birth to a baby boy.

They named the wee lad Osama.

When he was little, he was a normal boy, interested in girls, cartoons, football.


But as he started growing up, he started obsessing about religion and philosophy. He gave up his studies and employed all his time in the study of Islamic philosophies. He soon became very attracted towards the thoroughly brainless and ultimately self-destructing idealism of Sayyid Qutb called Qutbism (a precusror of things to come one might say).


Having been thoroughly brainwashed, he decided on Jihad and went to the land of the Fucking Idiots - Pakistan.


It was while in Pakistan that he first started watching English football. And being a lover of guns and guerrillas, he decided to support Arsenal. Why you ask?

Well because he thought that Arsenal had guerrillas in its ranks. It was much later that he realised that there were no guerrillas, just 4 gorillas by the name of Adams, Keown, Dixon and Winterburn.


Osama never did anything by half. Having decided to support Arsenal, he decided to support them wholeheartedly. He started hating all Americans, Heretics, Jews and Tottenham fans. He kept on donating huge chunks of money for jihad and for Arsenal to build their new stadium/mausoleum.


But he lost it, he totally lost it at the beginning of the millennium when Arsenal won diddly squat for the 3rd year running despite having a team of Keown, Adams, Seaman, Viera, Bergkamp, Wiltord, Henry, Ljunberg, Pires and Ashley Cole. What broke the camel's back, so to speak, was Wenger's decision to shore up the team with such luminaries as Igor Stepanovs, Gilles Grimandi, Oleg Luzhni et all.....more or less at the same time that Chelsea bought Frank Lampard.


He became convinced that Arsene Wenger is a fucking idiot and that it was an American-Zionist conspiracy to convert his club to a laughing stock.


All the while shouting "Allahu Akbar" and "Death to America! Death to Israel!! Death to Tottenham!!!", he forced his followers to perpetrate attacks on Americans, Jews and Tottenham fans all over the world.


He survived the American invasion, the worldwide hunt, even Tottenham's ascension to the Champions League.

But rumours abound that he committed suicide the day he got news that Wenger had signed Silvestre to solve all of Arsenal's defensive problems.

Filmy Stuff of the Year

Its end of the year and every Tom, Dick and fucking idiot everywhere is going around making lists. Cheapo being one of those highly conscientious journalists and critics, he decided to make a list also. About movies no less. Well movies that he saw this years.

And well you will see lots of animation and action movies/thrillers. Cheapo did not watch a lot of artsy fartsy la-di-dah movies this year. Blame Uber for that. She has taken the fun out of making fun of the la-di-dahs.


So here goes.


Best Film - Kick Ass and Inception



Best Director - Christopher Nolan for Inception



Best Supporting Actor - Khalid Abdallah (Freddy) in Green Zone [I thought he was Arabic, turns out he was born and brought up in Glasgow...live and learn eh]

and

Zack Galifanikis in Due Date ( the lad's getting typecast but boy what a type)


Best Chemistry -

Jospeh Gordon Levitt and Tom Hardy in Inception


Best Dialogue Ever -

"How do you know my name?" - Donkey in Shrek


Best Villain -

Mark Strong (Robin Hood and Kick Ass)
Rumpelstiltskin (Shrek)
Mickey Rourke (Iron Man 2) 
Ralph Fiennes (Clash of the Titans and Potter)
Kitty Galore (Cats and Dogs)
Alfred Molina (The Sorcerer's Apprentice)

Best Actress - Chloe Grace Moretz (Hit Girl) in Kick Ass




Best Actor - dammit can't think of any stand out performances so have to go with Leo


 
Best FX - Inception


Lamest Fx - Medusa and Kracken in Clash of the Titans

lamer than Arsene Wenger's excuses; never thought that would be possible but live and learn eh


Best Cinematography - Shutter Island



with a completely predictable story-line, cinematography is the best USP for the film



Best Kiddy Film - The Sorcerer's Apprentice

geeky kid - check

Nicolas Cage - check

Alfred Molina - check

good story - check

lots of magic - check

Monica Belluci (for the fathers, elder brothers etc of kids) - check


Best non-Sci Fi Thriller - Green Zone


Best Comedy - Due Date

Utterly brainless, utterly funny


Best Action - The A Team

Plane blows off another plane; tank with parachute drops from blown-off plane; blows off 1st plane; then flies through air using missiles


Best Animation Films

Despicable Me

Shrek Forever After

How to Train your Dragon

Toy Story 3


Lamest Ending - Prince of Persia

pissed me off the most; great beginning and they couldn't think of anything else


Best Ending - Green Zone

a. after a frantic and awesome chase, Freddi comes out of nowhere and shoots the General and delivers the line "It is not for you to decide what happens here"

b. the mail that Miller sends cc to the media of the world



Surprisingly Good - Percy Jackson

changed a lot from the book but was quite pleasant and enjoyable in the end



Surprisingly Bad - Robin Hood


prime contender for worst movie of the year; awesome cast, good director; cracking background materials to work with and they came up with this???? what a waste




Predictions for 2011


Best Film - POTC on Stranger Tides


Best Actor - see above

Sexiest pirate ever in human history - Penelope Cruz


Best Animated Film - Kaboom of Doom


Highest Grosser - Potter 8 (easiest prediction in human history)

Evolution of the Wellbeloved

Creationist Version (as written in the Book of Clackalackadackdack)


On day 1, that highly Confused Fella, who can't decide whether he is the father or the son or whether he is a fucking ghost decided, having been bored silly, decided to create light and ergo days and nights etc etc.

Then he started thinking what to do with all that. Being a bit of a lazy bum, on the 2nd day, he only created skies.

On the 3rd day, havin been scolded by his wife Mrs Fella for being lazy, he created oceans and earth and plants et all.

On the 4th day, he created the sun, the moon, the stars etc.

On the 5th and 6th days, he started creating all manners of creatures, those who could fly, those who could swim, those who had bollocks and even a creature who couldn't do anything and had no bollocks - this last entity he named Wellbeloved.

On the 7th day, he created football. he created 3 teams. One represented Goodness - it was named Chelsea. One represented Evil - it was named Mancheste fucking United. The 3rd team represented children and the need for the children to be regularly spanked by the bigger boys. This team he called Arsenal.


But this post ain't about football - it's about the Wellbeloveds.


By the end of the 6th day, Adam and Eve had already started fucking like there's no tomorrow......well to be fair to them, at that particular point of time, there was no tomorrow.


Anyway, the Wellbeloved peeped on the two doing their stuff - thereby becoming the first voyeur (a tradition which its descendants have been carrying on; only the other day, the current Wellbeloved contracted poison ivy on his penis after wanking while peeping into a boys' kindergarten class) and became sad.


He petitioned the Confused Fella. He claimed that he is lonely and he needs to have sex.


The Confused Fella pointed out that Wellbeloved has no bollocks. Wellbeloved countered by saying "But you are the Mighty Confused, I don't want bollcoks, I just want to ensure the continuance of my species."

The Confused One started thinking. He kept on thinking and thinking and thinking and finally came up with a solution...


He told Wellbeloved. "Thou shalt never have bollocks of any kind, thou and thy descendants shalt be despised and made fun of for all eternity. But since thee wanteth new generations, I will ensure that in every generation there will be born amongst mankind some Fucking Idiots who will become insanely fond of the Wellbeloveds. Thee and thy descendants will have sex with these fucking idiots. And though thee and thy descendants will never have bollocks, by a feat of Confused Miracle, the fruit of the union will result in progenies. These creatures will be Half-Man and Half-Beloved and ergo shall be called Manbeloveds."


The Confused Fella being mightily confused never thought about the consequences of his proclamations. True the Wellbeloveds got their fucking idiots and multiplied but they also remained forever Manbeloveds or in other words gay.


The current Wellbeloved, a very religious and traditional entity, follows the Confused Fella literally. Ergo, not only is he gay, but following the confusion in his god, he does not know whether to love the father or the son and have ended up with incestuous sexual feelings towards all male babies.

The Things Cheapo has to Do

Everyone knows that Cheapo is a helpful guy (whenever he can be arsed enough to get out of bed that is). But recently his habit of helping the populace has reached epic, not to mention embarrassing proportions.


You see, Cheapo's friend The Wellbeloved Family Doormat Awfully Wee Crybaby had been suffering from mental as well as physical constipation for a long time.


Symptoms - "Wellbeloved is my god; I belong to Wellbeloved; His crap is my essence; His pee is my nectar; His fart my perfume; All hail Wellbeloved etc etc" and acute stomach pain.


Ergo hospital ahoy.


And following the laws of the excellent Mr. Murphy, the hospital just had to be miles (kilometres for the up-to-date readership) from both Cheapo's home and office.


And of course following the laws of that fella Sod, the hospital authorities had to christen her Mrs. Crybaby.....thereby confusing the hell out of a hospital full of doctors, nurses, cleaning stuff etc regarding just who the hell Cheapo is -father? brother? grandfather? benevolent uncle? sugar daddy? etc etc (because Crybaby looks like she is 14, while conservative estimates suggest that Cheapo looks at least early 40s)


And then there were tests.....the lucky so and so got to ride wheelchairs and stretchers et all while Cheapo was stuck with and had to trudge along with what seemed like about half a dozen different pieces of luggage....why women carry so much stuff is one of those mysteries that will probably never be solved.


Anyway the tests confirmed what Cheapo suspected all along - that Crybaby is a fucking idiot and that she was suffering appendicitis (despite Uber's protestations and convictions to the contrary).


Well, she got a room - with a tv with no sports channels and a fan which kept going away from Cheapo's couch. And she got her operation. And she is fine now.


So far so good yeah?


Anyway as she was in hospital, she had to have a companion right? Shifts were made, lots were drawn and Cheapo got the morning slot 6Am-12Pm (Cheapo had to go to work after that every day - the less said about that the better).


What does it mean?


It means that Cheapo had to wake up at 4.30 Am everyday and walk for miles (or kms if ye prefer) to get autos.


[In fact Cheapo walked more in the last 3 or 4 days than he had done in the whole of last year.]


And of course it rained.


Uber having scared the bejeejus off the security guards, at least there weren't any access problems. Rumours also abound that due to the fear of Uber, at certain points of time there were as many as 4 or 5 people in Crybaby's room, while all other rooms had only 2 - 1 patient, 1 attendant.


Anyway, to come to the worst part.


The day of discharge arrived.


Crybaby started crying that she doesn't have a thing to wear and thus devised a plan of action so inexplicable and ill-conceived, it would have made Captain Scott's polar expeditions a byword for proper planning and efficiency.


Cheapo being a calm, cool, collected, intelligent and generous clackalackadackdack devised an alternative plan whereby he went out to buy her a skirt.


So he went out. He saw a shop. He approached the shop (all on foot btw). He saw saleslady. He asked saleslady if skirts are available.



Upon which he got a look of utter contempt and disgust and loathing and shock and horror and repugnance and pique and outrage and....well in short...the sort of look that our resident gay pedophile Wellbeloved deserves and gets from the parents and guardians of babies and toddlers and all other right thinking decent human beings.



First Uber's claims that Cheapo is as useless as Ayushman of the Bossturds.

Then Uber's threats of GBH for cracking innocent jokes.

Now, a look reserved for gay pedophiles.




There is no justice in the world. And there certainly is no advantage in being a generally decent, honest, hard-working individual.