Gorging

1 plate chicken biriyani, 1 plate reshmi kebab, 1 shahi nawabi chicken curry followed by chocolate chip ice cream, all washed down with a bottle of Pepsi.


If you are wondering, that was my dinner yesterday, and before anyone asks, no i am not not supposed to  have 4 of the 5 items mentioned above.

So why then did I have them?


Here is why.

Reason Uno

I woke up in the morning and realised that in my infinite wisdom, I had not only forgotten to keep my food in the fridge the night before but had also forgotten to give Baldrick his nightly dose of electricity - he spent the whole night with a half-empty stomach.


So after packing semi-stale food and with a half-hearted Baldrick, I set forth.


Soon, however, I realised that it is not going to work. There was no way in GaryfuckingNevilleLand that Baldrick was going to take me all the way to the office.

Extreme calculations followed.

I figured that I had to park him somewhere and travel the remaining distance in one of the vehicles from GaryfuckingNevilleLand, or in other words, an auto.


But where to park?


In the parking lot of a hospital zone of course!!!


Think about it, what is the 1 place for vehicles where parking is not only free but also safe?


Exactly.


And before anyone starts complaining about the ethics or morality of it, well I was ethical, moral and honest for 29 years - did it help? 


So that problem was over.


I boarded an auto...and then...and only then...realised that I am going through a temporary cashruptcy problem.

Make no mistake, I literally have hundreds of thousands stashed away in the banks. However, in my infinitely marvelous wisdom, I have forgotten my ATM PIN. So, I am currently in a situation where I can book a flight easily, but can't pay for an auto.


Anyway, thankfully I had the bare minimum cash that day to avoid embarrassment and a possible beating.


And then I got vindicated.You see, for years, I have been saying that 'feminists' were created to destroy the world. In all probability the Great Indian Chunkubaaz had something to do with it. 

And its not even something I cooked up. A respected professor (though there are allegations that she is a vampire from Vancouver) of a respected university had told all her students to read this theory and to write papers on it.

This paper, written by a feminist herself, finally revels the truth - that all feminists are cyborgs!!!!!! [Those arguing that all cyborgs can be feminists just need to see the Terminator films {The 1st 2, not the shower of shite that was the 3rd]}]

If you don't believe me, read this - http://gendermediatechnology.weebly.com/uploads/5/2/8/6/5286294/cyborg_manifesto.pdf

So, once I stopped reading that (couldn't finish...man I know you literary philosophical types demand to be taken seriously, but there is no excuse to write something so forking boring....even watching paint dry would be more exciting....come on people, a wee bit of razz-muh-tazz never hurts anyone) I had to do something to get the gray cells active again.

And so I started doing the crossword puzzle.

45 minutes!!! That's how long it took me to finish it. One of my best performances to date. And the only word to have stumped me was egresses. And I never even checked a dictionary. I swear on Branislav Ivanovich's oddly shaped head.









45 minutes!!! That's how long it took me to finish it. One of my best performances to date. And the only word to have stumped me was egresses.

And I never even checked a dictionary.

I swear on Branislav Ivanovich's marvelously oddly shaped head.



All this demanded a celebration.



And there is only 1 kind of celebration you can do when you are all alone - eat.



Reason Dos



Well now that I have been more or less disqualified from the human race (possibly for farting anywhere and everywhere), as a reason of which I have been depressed, dejected, miserable (blah blah blah) for weeks, it was high time I treated myself.


No one else does.



Reason Tres


Some of you already know that I have recently taken up an interest, hobby, cause.


My target - 5 kilograms (11 pounds for citizens of USAUSAUSA) of weight in 2 weeks.


And achieving such a target needs not only dedication but lots of chewing and digesting.

Thank Sod for Religion eh

Yep, I am thanking religion, you know the thing that is the first and last excuse of one group of people who want to kill another group of people.


All of you who know me, really know me know that I can fall under either of three categories - Pastafarian or Agnostic or Jedi.


Basically, I have no time for a mass murdering sadist/masochist with existential dilemma or a mass murdering pedophile with delusions of grandeur or a mass murdering mass seducing stealer of women's clothes or a mass murdering mass destroying wife killing pothead or even someone who for all practical purposes just ran away.


I would rather eat pasta and worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster.


Unfortunately, or rather for comedic relief fortunately, my fellow Indians have a very narrow list of possibilities when it comes to religions.


As a result of which I have become the most secular person in history.


This is how.


All the maids, guards, watchmen think I am Muslim.


All those who have passed high school think I am a Christian.


All those who can associate my surname with the Bong naming conventions think I am a Hindu.


All those who have asked me what I am have usually gotten the answer "a fat buddha (geriatric)". Naturally, they have taken it up as meaning that I am a Buddhist.


So that's 4 of the top 5 religions in the pocket then. The 5th is probably missing only because the average Indian has no clue what the Jewish religion is.

Coconomics

Ever since our ancestors decided that getting off the trees might be a good career move, we, that is human beings, have been fascinated by wealth.

However, what constitutes wealth has changed from time to time.


At the beginning, a man's wealth was judged by the number of women he owned.


Then it turned into land or cows. Make no mistake, men's desire for women in wholesale amounts continued for a long time, and let's face it, some silly sods still have it.  Thankfully, wome are the not the basis of currency any more.


[Seriously, think about it, instead of cash, u get paid with the currency of women. 1 Uber, and that too only as a friend, is enough to terrify, petrify, horrify and scare the living heebiejeebies out of me, just imagine say 10 of her species as payment at the end of every month.

Nightmares ahoy!@!!!!!


Kill me, kill me now!!!!! ]



And then there was gold. I don't really know when gold first became important (some nerd somewhere must have done research on it......and sigh :-( i would really like to read it), but boy did it become important. It still is and till Armageddon, probably will remain as such.


Gold, or money, became the true mover and shaker of wealth. Its still pretty damn heavy to carry around though.


Then came liquid gold, or petrol.


Nowadays, gold and liquid gold take pride of place as the top movers and shakers of world economy.


Well, at least it used to, till the modern economists came into the fore. Modern economy now runs on air, on promises and future speculations.


And the worst aspect is that the only people who can have a slice of the wealth pie are the already wealthy. For us, poor plebs, there is nothing to look forward to but a lifetime of misery and hard work.


Which brings me to one of my inferences - never evvvvver allow an economist to run anything, not a football club, not a country, not anything important. (There will be a different blog about who should be allowed to run countries and who should be deported to Pakistan)



Well, if you chart the progress of wealth, you will see that wealth has steadily become more and more abstract.

Think about it.


First, we have women - definitely concrete.


Then there were lands and cows - still concrete.


Then gold - less concrete only due to the fact that most people never see an ounce of gold in thier lifetimes anyway.


Petrol will be an abstract thing, to be found only in museums, in about 50-100 years of time.



But false promises, hoodwinks, speculations and downright lies are as abstract as you can get.


Sadly, the whole world has fallen prey to this disease.

No, I tell a lie.



There is a group of people who still cling on to the old ways - so to speak. They don't believe in land, in gold, in petrol, in promises, in air - what they do believe in is Coconomics, the economy of coconuts.


Yep, am talking about the Mallus.


You see, the Mallu people are intricately conjoined with coconuts.



Let me present to you some evidence to support that hypothesis.


Look at their mythology. Irrespective of religious affiliation, all Mallus celebrate Onam.

But what is Onam?


You see, in those ancient times, when luj character gods used to loiter around the country, there was this Mallu king called Mahavali. He had millions of acres of land where he grew billions of coconut trees.



One day, a dwarf came to his kingdom.

He said, "Yo king, I hear you are like all generous and stuff. Give me some coconut trees."

The king said, "Ok dwarf, here is a coconut. Throw it. I'll give you all the coconut trees in the area you can cover with the throw."

The dwarf said cool and then turned into a Yeti or Bigfoot. He then threw the coconut as high as possible and it fell on the king with such force that the king got buried.


So the dwarf took over the whole kingdom.


Look at Mallu history.


Do you know that Christopher Columbus actually reached the Mallu shores?


Oh yes, he did. Historians often ignore this but he he did come. He never landed though.

You wanna know why?


Well the day he tried to land, the Mallus were celebrating something. They were dressed in their kathakali finery and were cooking banana chips with coconut oil. The smell was so atrociously, horribly bad and the dresses of the Mallus so weird that it made Columbus went:"Mio Dio! Abbiamo raggiunto l'inferno! Si prega di Dio salvaci salvaci" and sailed away in the opposite direction as far as possible.



Just think, them Americans owe their existence to coconuts!!!!


Let's look at Mallu society then


When Mallu girls get married, they take dozens/hundreds/thousands/millions of coconuts along with them as dowry.


Look at the buffet menu at the weddings/birthdays/whatever else they celebrate


Coconut Sherbet
Coconut Soup
Coconut Salad
Coconut Fry
Banana Chips (in coconut oil)
Cocount Dal
Coconut Rice
Coconut Achar
Coconut Chutney
Chicken/Mutton/Beaf in Coconut Gravy
Fish in Coconut Gravy
Coconut Chutney
Coconut Payasam

and of course

Coconut Water


A typical scene in a Mallu market would be

Man 1: I like this shirt.

Man 2: It costs 25 coconuts.

Man 1: 25!!! Man Alive. Are you crazy? I will give you 10 coconuts


You get the picture.



Now you all must be wondering "What in the name of ectoplasm do the Mallus do with all these coconuts?"


The answer is - EVERYTHING


According to anthropologists, sociologists etc etc,


the Mallus:


Eat Coconuts
Drink Coconut water
Sleep on mattresses made of Coconuts
Use Coconut Oil for:

1. Cooking
2. Garnishing alcohol
3. Anti-dandruff, anti-lice Shampoo
4. Body massages
5. Make up
6. Putting on cuts (you knows Anti-septic; instead of Dettol, they use Parachute)
7. Washing powder
8. Toothpaste

The all time 'hittest' tv show in Mallu land is one about the Life of a Coconut Tree

They also allegedly coconuts as sex toys (don't ask, the mind boggles)