Reasons for the Rebellion

All of ye educated lot who likes to be in the thick of things as far as world news is concerned must know that there is supposedly a revolution going on in large parts of them Arab world.

Well, them muppets are supposedly demanding truth, justice, freedom, reforms, money, power, democracy etc etc.

As if.

Ye, see these people never had them things in the first place, so how do they know they want that??

Eh? eh?


Ye don't believe me do ye?

Ok then

Lets take the example of the 3 main groups of revolutionaries shall we


First, the Egyptians.


Ye think the average Egyptian ever had wealth or freedom or democracy or well anything?


Lets look at their history

In the antiquity (la di dah word for old times), Egypt was ruled by them kohl wearing, chariot riding, hippo worshiping, sister shagging, slave owning, pyramid building, Jew harassing, plague suffering, bald victims of Moses's ass kicking numpties called the Pharaohs.


They were filthy rich. Who else was rich? The priests, the nobles and some of the merchants (and the successful grave robbers but lets not go there). What about the general populace? They were as poor as...well...as poor as the Arsenal defence.


So the Greeks came. They conquered a lot of the world, they sprouted many philosophies, unfortunately they couldn't spell for tophies and thus the Egyptians ended up with them Ptolemies.


Then came Old Julius, then came Marc Antony (in every sense of the word) and then came mad Octavian.


What happendd to the Egyptians? Well many of them became slaves. Those lucky to survive becmae farmers..fertile Nile valley and all...but was the food for them. nae.

The food was taken by the Romans to feed the plebs back home.

So once again the Egyptians ended up with diddly squat.


The next lot to turn up were the Muslims. We all know how that lot and democracy functions.


Egypt became a province of Turkey; the favourite method of the Turks for keeping people in line - the Kurbash (wiki it).


The Britishers turned up, and there were farouk and his family, Nasser, Anwar Sadat and finally Hosni Mubarak.


So when in this last 150 years or rather 5000 years did those piss-poor Egyptians have any of the things they are demanding now??


Take the Tunisians then. They are Hannibal's people, Dido's people..being miserable is what they do, who they are. They are genetically programmed to be all doomed and gloomy.


As far as the Libyans go, they are Bedouins... Bedouins!!!!!! They are more interested in camels than in democracy.



So, one can theorise that the stuff they are demanding is not what they really want.


So what do they want. Why did they rebel? What broke the camel's back (kinda fitting don't ye think?)


Well, the world's leading political correspondent Fat Uncle Cheapo has risked life, limb and stomach to get to the bottom of the mystery.


It seems that the people rebelled because of 2 alleged rumours.


Rumour 1:

Apparently them Arab dictator types pooled together and had the brainwave of making their football teams better .So they hatched up the plan of inviting a famous and successful footballer to come and teach the youth.

Said player - Gary fucking Neville


Rumour 2:

Apparently the populace got rumours that the respective governments have issued travel visas to one notorious human being.


The population felt threatened. They figured that no woman between the ages of 12 and 62 are safe. And to save their daughters and sisters and mothers and wives, they took to the streets. They died in their hundreds but they prevented his coming.

Who is this man?


None other than that most notorious of boudi seducers - the Great Indian Chunkubaaz.

Go Ahead - Get Some Ninjas

There's no problem/issue/situation in life that cannot be improved by the introduction of ninjas.


Think about it, I mean really think about it.



Just imagine Prince Myshkin turning up at St Petersburg with a ninja bodyguard in tow or that numpty Rodoin Raskolnikov outsourcing the assassination of Ivanova to a ninja or hell the whole family of Karamazovs being assassinated by ninjas hired by..err..I don't know Usmanov (you know the ancestor of the notorious mass murdering part-owner of Arsenal) in the very 1st fricking chapter...............(whatever else this would have ensured the survival of thousands of trees).


Or for that matter if in the final chapter, it was revealed that Gorky's mother was a trained ninja assassin employed by the Tsar...that would have been the 'Mother' of all twists.


Or what if Tolstoy got assassinated by a ninja in the beginning of the 1870s. The world would have been a much much better place and yours truly would have been a much more relieved individual without the chronicles of a fucking idiot called Anna Karenina.


Or consider Mrs. Dalloway eloping with a ninja (can ninjas elope? isn't that a fascinating question?)


Or consider Ninjas coming and kicking the ass of that sad fucker in Lord of the Flies who goes around killing and maiming animals


Or ninjas coming at the opportune moment and saving Porphyra and the Last Duchess.


Or , or consider this.....last chapter...cage match..... Darcy vs Ninja...whoever wins gets Bennett (Elizabeth, not her father)....and don't count out Darcy either...those English Victorian motherrabbits were nasty devious scheming bastards, they conquered the world after all.


Or if ninjas had invaded Ireland in the 17th century and along with those damn Englishmen driven all the Irish to USAUSAUSAUSA (you have to say it at least 3 times, otherwise they will invade you)...still thinking what that would have achieved aren't you?


Well it would have ensured that one of the most gruesome torture devices ever conceived would not have been made...no am not talking about the Iron Maiden or Tean Zu or Brazen Bull or the Pear of Anguish but rather Ulysses as written by that drunk Irish fella.


With ninjas helping, The Three Musketeers would have been successful in freeing the Man in the Iron Mask (hell 1 ninja = 27 D'Artagnan)


With ninjas in the mix, who knows who would have come out trumps - Captain Ahab or Moby Dick.

Ninjas would have kicked Fagin's ass; would have rescued ole Robinson; would have cleared away the dacoits from the dacoit infested forests of Nottingham; would have woken up Rip Van Winkle and rescued the villagers of Sleepy Hollow (yes I know, I know); could have cured Quasimodo of his hump (Crybaby, we are talking of Quasimodo, not Moby Hump, put your tongue back in); defeated the Red Queen; travelled the world in 8 days, forget 80; would have spanked Romeo and Juliet and taught them basic physiology (check the pulse moron) and would have taken away whatever Hamlet was smoking.


And for good measure, son of god or not, try escaping from a ninja crucifix.


However, awesome as they are, it would be remiss of me not to point out that there are some works which even the introduction of ninjas can't make a difference.


There are 2 categories of such fiction of course.


First, there are some which so humongously awesome, nothing can make them better

for eg, LOTR, Count of Monte Christo, Treasure Island, Call of the Wild etc


Then there are the ones which are so bad, nothing can be done

for eg, the Twilight series

Ponies

Well, quite a few of ye lot have been pestering me regarding the ponies. A question which seems to crop up in regular intervals is whether the ponies have been named.

Well, yes, they have.


There are two of them. And I have decided to name them Sigmund and Schaden.



Sigmund is neurotic and is afraid of eating his grass coz he thinks that would be tantamount to shagging his mother. Ergo, he got weak and couldn't work and was kicked out by his former owner. Ergo, the treatment, the therapy et all.


Schaden, on the other hand, is a lazy bugger. Ergo, he was kicked out by his previous master.  Now he spends his time eating all the time and laughing at Sigmund.