aka
How Cheapo stole the show
aka
The Curious Case of the Missing Chappals
Here it is
Chronicling the chronicles of our very own Fat Uncle Cheapo in the land
so confused they can't even figure out what their name is. Sometimes
they claim it is Tatanagar, sometimes they claim it is Jamshedpur.
As you might have become aware, Cheapo's oldest friend Merriaduck
Brandybuck (they have been buddies since the Jurassic Age........Cheapo
has even forgotten the number of times ole Brandy had saved Cheapo from
them triceratops and velociraptors) fell in luw with a Leonardo da Vinci
painting and decided to get married.
Being the 21st century, there was no problemo in an inter-special (man
and painting) marriage. The only problem, the marriage was scheduled in
the aforementioned land of the lost.
Naturally, Brandy invited Cheapo. Naturally, Cheapo accepted. Naturally,
the Maoists got to know of Cheapo's impending arrival and made threats
to kidnap him. They allegedly made preparations also; for example, they
bought a crane. But the Cheapo is no coward (except in front of Uber).
After the amount of thrashings and beatings and pulverisings that he had
received at the hands and feet of Uber, Maoist threats induced no fear
in him.
Anyway, the mere mention of the name of Uber made them go back into hiding.
Next problem - the train was scheduled at 6 in the fing morning. Yes
that's right 6. So, Cheapo had to wake up at 4 (this after he had flown
all the way from Hyd to Kol the night before, he had reached home only
around 1130 in the night). He reached the appointed pick up spot even
before the groom could arrive.
Anyway, they proceeded towards the station (with only a small break for
buying garlands - people completely ignored Cheapo's suggestion of
buying garlands made of hibiscus [traditionally worn by goats just
before they are sacrificed] - and they reached the station) The rest of
the party soon arrived and there was much confusion regarding Cheapo's
identity (there was intense speculation [more than even Wolverine's
origins]0 - There were rumours about Cheapo being a Caribbean
drug-dealer, a Nigerian scamster, a murderer on the run {metaphorically
of course}, an Al Qaeda suicide bomber or even the worst of them all, an
amateur poet.
Well, at least the train was AC. Having bagged a window seat, Cheapo
then proceeded to pursue some intellectual activity. namely reading the
newspaper.
And then there was cake.
But, but, but. but alas sniff, sigh, sob, sorrow, misery, despondency - Cheapo couldn't eat the cake. You see, he was scared of the looish arrangements available in the land of the lost; so he didn't want to put pressure on the stomach.
So, with a heavy heavy heart (ironic that, due to the medical condition of said organ) he, and the rest of the populace, reached the land of the lost.
Consternation ensued.
You see, Grandma Uncle Cheapo had repeatedly informed Fat Uncle Cheapo that Land of the Lost will be bloody cold. Fat Uncle Cheapo being a cold blooded clackalackadackdack, really looked forward to it. But alas, it was not to be.
The place was as hot as Uber.
So, the moment, nay the minute, nay the second Cheapo got out of the train, he started sweating.
Well, after some last minute calculations involving which vehicle would be able to hold Cheapo without breaking down, they all proceeded towards the destination.
[Aside nice wee town, lots of greenery, lots of cows]
They reached the place and lo and behold
NYUM NYUM NYUM
Luchi, potato curry, rosogollas
I reiterate NYUM NYUM NYUM
However, the heat kept on rising. And looking at the sleeping arrangements, Cheapo realised that there is no way in Pakistan he would be able to sleep if he stayed there the night.
Anyway, chronologically speaking, after the NYUM NYUM NYUM, it was time to throw turmeric mixed with mustard oil (Bong wedding what do u expect) at the groom.
Mutiny!@!! Revolt!!!!Rebellion!!!!Insubordination!!!!!!
They put the evil concoction on Cheapo's face, and more heinously in his beard too. (one disadvantage of being a toddler is that when u grow up, you still can't shout at people who have seen u as a toddler - the groom's aunt being the person committing the atrocities on Cheapo's beard)
Cheapo felt like a fish fry.
Anyway such indignities aside, the afternoon passed off more or less peacefully. Well, Cheapo had to carry wimmin's make up kit (as part of gifts from groom's family to bride's family - its a Bong thing......gifts which also strangely and weirdly included a big ass fish with a 'pan' stuck inside its mouth) and because of the heat he lost more or less 10-12 litres of sweat.
Also, having seen the facilities for the groom's entourage and knowing the condition of his most excellent health, Cheapo declared that for him to stay in a non-ac room without dying, hell has to first freeze over or Arsenal needs to win something - whichever came first. So, the groom, on the day of his wedding, had to think about accommodation for the fat disturbing element.
Cheapo got an AC room in a hotel in the city. Coz of scarcity of rooms, he had to share it with the groom's aunt.
And she snores
Boy does she snore.
Anyway on came evening, and just coz this is Cheapo, the heat increased.
After toying with the idea of dressing up for exactly 2 and a half minutes, Cheapo decided, for the sake of his health and the sanity of others, to preserve normalcy - result shorts and t-shirt.
Suffice to say it was a sort of surprise to say the least for the assembled plebs at the wedding venue. Rumour has it that the ladies especially cursed the hell out of Cheapo - all their finery and jewellery and the kilos of lipstick and face powder/cream all went in vain.
No one looked at them, hell no one even looked at the bride or groom.
Guess who the centre of attention was?
That's right
Well, realising that Cheapo is useless and more or less a 'dharti ka bojh' the assembled intelligentsia decided to use his one quality - his ability to sit at the same place with negligible movement and no locomotion for hours at an end. They handed the groom's wedding footwear to Cheapo for safekeeping. Apparently people steal those and then extort the groom for money.
Yes people, nothing is more religious and honest and sacred in an Indian wedding than a spot of theft, blackmail, extortion etc.
Strange people, us Indians.
Cheapo sat on it.
But he made a mistake.
People, a word of advice, never underestimate the tenacity, determination, guts, bloody-mindedness and sheer suicidal nature of Bong aunties.
All of a sudden, while Cheapo was dreaming of naked women playing football while Cheapo was eating ice-cream, one member of that suicidal species of Bong aunties and crawled under Cheapo's chair and abducted the chappals.
Cheapo decided that pondering about the Bong people is as futile an exercise as keeping Zlatan in a team playing the Champs League and went off in search of food.
And it was good, really nyum nyum nyum (despite the presence of copious quantities of salad and Ganeshas curved out of cucumbers and brinjals)
Oh one final thing, some of ye are married, some of ye want to be married, but all of you will agree that having in-laws is a headache right?
Now, in normal circumstances, you have 1 pair of in-laws, if you are unlucky you end up with 2 or 3 pairs or even 4 pairs.
Guess how many, our lad Merriaduck Brandybuck ended up with...
Come on come on guess
12 pairs
